Conscious Conversations

Secrets to Charming and Enchanting Men

2012-02-09T11:55:00.000-08:00

There's a revolution afoot, and I'm on the front lines. Earlier today I had the pleasure of being a presenter for the Just BEE Wellness Blissful Living and Loving Virtual Conference. I am so delighted that Cassandra Herbert, Just BEE Wellness owner and founder, invited me to participate because talking about how women can improve our interactions and relationships with men just feels right to me. Besides, I think it's high time women take their power back. That is, stop thinking that all men are simply incorrigible rogues so it's nothing we can do to make our relationships sweeter and juicier.

See, I know a lot of women who say they desire a sweet, loving man in their life...but I gotta tell ya, too many of these women aren't looking in the right direction when they search for the answers to "Why am I alone?" This isn't a blame game. Nor am I saying all men have it together. What I am saying is this, it would behoove women to stop pointing the finger at men, saying they're just intimidated by us, that all men are jerks, players, cheaters, thugs. Meanwhile, there are women enjoying sweet and juicy relationships with honest, loving, dynamic, attentive men. Don't you want to know their secrets? Well, I did. Now I'm sharing them with you.

Okay, let me share some of what I know, things I wished women knew or would at least be willing to accept about men:

1. Men want to make women happy. I know, you don't believe me. Still, they do.

2. Men are charmed and enchanted by feminine women who make them feel like a man.

3. Men have needs too. They're different from ours. Women can't force their man to change, but they sure can INSPIRE him to change, grow, be better, more successful, more attentive, more loving! This one has been tried and tested. Trust me, a woman who knows how to make a man feel like a man can charm the pants, uh, I mean...inspire him to greatness. No kidding!

4. Women need to know what men need. Okay, listen up.

a. Men need to be treated with RESPECT.

b. Men need to be TOLD and SHOWN they are LOVED

c. Men need to be TOLD and SHOWN they are APPRECIATED

d. Men need to know they are ATTRACTIVE, SEXY and DESIRABLE

e. Men need to KNOW you BELIEVE in them.

f. Men need to feel SUPPORTED

g. Men need women to be RECEPTIVE to them, i.e., a woman needs to be open and responsive to the ways her man expresses his caring for her.

h. Men need to know a woman ACCEPTS him. He needs to see that acceptance in YOUR eyes when you look at him.

What kind of woman is willing to give men what they need? A smart woman. This woman knows if she gives him the wood, well uh, he'll give her the fire! What kind of woman CAN give a man what he needs? A confident, self-assured woman who knows how to submit to her man. Yeah, I said it! See, when a woman dances in her womanhood, she's a compelling thing of beauty. Such a woman likes men and savors their masculinity. Men love it when a woman savors his masculinity. The secret to charming and enchanting men is to not only respect their differences but to absolutely appreciate and delight in a man's masculine essence. Make him real glad he's a man!

Last, but certainly not least, it is time women get that we are supposed to bring men pleasure. Pause, so you can pick your bottom lip up off the floor. But yes. Why in the world would God have made women so beautiful and men so visual and hungry for us if we weren't created to bring them pleasure? When we get that knowing and living from this place gives up power, we'll stop fighting it. And start enjoying it!

Until the next time, Smooches!

DeBora M. Ricks

Author of Love Addicted: One Woman's Spiritual Journey Through Emotional Dependency. I'll be speaking at the 11th Annual Women's Expo, at Catonsville Community College

Visit my website at www.DeBoraRicks.com for details.

Why Wouldn't You Be Worthy?

2012-02-03T11:02:00.001-08:00

I meditated this morning, as I do most morning. About five minutes in, a voice asked me this question, "Why wouldn't you be worthy?" Well, sitting there on my bed the tears started to flow, which is a sign that that question came not from my monkey mind but from God, from Spirit. And so IT asked me again, "Why wouldn't you be worthy?" I knew what it was asking me, why wouldn't I be worthy of having my heart desires. Why wouldn't I be worthy of having my wildest dreams come true? I sat with the question a while, my face wet with tears.

Worthy of what? you might ask. Worthy of the big life, getting paid to speak nationally and internationally, being on bestsellers lists, traveling to beautiful, faraway places for business and pleasure with family and friends, spending, sharing, tithing large sums of money because I CAN, decorating the home of my dreams exquisitely, having harmonious, fun, mutually supportive relationships, loving and being loved by someone who adores, respects, likes me, enjoying radiant health in mind, body, and spirit.

As far as I can see, the only reason you or I doubt that we're worthy of the good and plenty life is because we have fallen prey to others' opinions about us. Based on our race, gender, age, sexual orientation, size, education, background, childhood, and the like some well-meaning and not so well meaning people have told us, based on who they've decided we are what we deserve and what is possible for us. Problem is, we tend to believe them. Well, we've been lied to. All of the reasons we believe we aren't worthy of this or that are based on things that don't matter. Tell me, how does the color of your skin dictate what God can use you for? How does your choice in mate determine how wise you are? At what point in your life are you ready to start or stop giving to the world? See what I mean? Because we're but vessels and channels for Spirit it matters not what size dress Oprah wears or whether Wayne Dyer was an orphan. And if these things matter at all they merely seek to show us we can transcend any seeming limitation to be, do and have whatever we desire to be, do, and have.

Why wouldn't you be worthy of that life you long to live? So, the next time your monkey mind tells you you can't be, do, or have something demand for it to give you a GOOD reason for why you aren't worthy of it. When we get that we've done nothing, said nothing, experienced nothing that can destroy our worthiness to live the Good & Plenty life, now we're truly awakened.

Love you!

DeBora M. Ricks

Speaker & Author of Love Addicted: One Woman's Spiritual Journey Through Emotional Dependency and the soon to be released, Why Did He Break Up With Me? Lessons in Love, Loss & Letting Go

Buy Love Addicted at www.DeBoraRicks.com

Eat FEAR for Lunch

2012-01-05T14:45:00.000-08:00

I'm at work on my second book. Editing it, so I can get it to an editor. I've got 173 eight by eleven pages. I've got loads to say about breakups, so it's dense. Even though I planned to edit today, yesterday I wrote "Edit my Book" on my calendar because I know the power of writing down my intentions, dreams, goals, and objectives.

I'm writing this brief blog to encourage somebody, maybe you, to get 'er done! See, I'm an expert on fear. Yes, I've accomplished a few things but I did all of them afraid. At least when I started I was scared. Fear is clever, he comes disguised as doubt, procrastination, excuses, illness, chaos, drama, emergencies, piddling about the house, talking on the phone, Youtube overdoses, Facebook overload, TV gazing, sleeping, drinking and drugging, attempts at saving family and friends from their dramas and traumas, busy "work," even attending yet another conference, workshop, or seminar that you never apply. FEAR! False Evidence Appearing Real can feel very real, but it's just a phantom. Trust me on this. As soon as you stop and stare FEAR in the face, it runs and hides.

Okay, let's wrap this up. What's scaring you right now? Whatever it is, you're bigger and badder than it is. But you've got to first stop running from it. See, what you resist persists. Make that call. Send that email. Open that book. Start that paper. Open that letter. Write another sentence in that book. Follow through on that brilliant idea. Get up. Slow down. Sit down. Do whatever it takes to GET 'ER DONE! It's okay to be uncomfortable. So what you don't know how to begin. Begin anyway. So what you don't know what you're doing. Neither do the rest of us. HaaHaaHaa. Make it up, like I'm doing as I write this blog. That's what ALL successful people do, make that ish up as they go along! My friend and life coach extraordinaire, Angel Richardson, said Iyanla Vanzant says "make the commitment and the how comes." So there you have it!

Smooches!

DeBora M. Ricks

Author of Love Addicted: One Woman's Spiritual Journey Through Emotional Dependency

Keep your eyes peeled for my upcoming seminars: How to Write a Book that Sells and The Secret to Being a Juicy, Succulent, Successful Woman. Details will be posted on my Facebook page and at my website, www.DeBoraricks.com

In 2012, Get Brand New on 'Em

2011-12-30T07:28:00.000-08:00

In hours, this year, 2011, is done. Like me, perhaps you are thinking about 2012. How you can make it better, sweeter, richer than 2011. So, how do we expand into greater goodness? Let me share just a few things that I think can make a difference.

1. Get Brand New 'Em - That is, forget about who you were yesterday. Be brand new today. Rather than living inside an old, tired story that limits you, why not embrace a whole new story about you? Never mind what your family and friends will say, this is YOUR life! Live it on your terms. Just like they can't die for you, they can't live for you. Shucks, whether we succeed, or fail, people will find something to say about us. Why not give 'em something juicy to talk about, get brand new on 'em!

2.Know You're the Stuff - What we think about, we bring about. Go ahead, think you're wonderful, fabulous, gorgeous, pretty damn special. Go on, you making all this stuff up anyway. Why not make up things that empower you. Dump those old, limiting thoughts that tell you what you ain't, what you can't do and adopt empowering thoughts about you that kick your life into high gear. You think you're powerful, gorgeous, and compelling long enough you'll have the rest of us thinking the same thing about you.

3. Leap - Take a leap of faith, forward. Just because you've never written a book, that don't mean you can't write one in 2012. Okay, okay, the unknown can be a b&!#h! So what? Guess what, what you're doing now was once a mystery to you. Now it's old hat. You weren't born knowing how to read, ride a bike, network, dance, do hair. You learned though, didn't you? You might have fell off that bike 10 times, but you kept at it didn't you? I went to college scared to death. You would have thought I was headed to the guillotine. I was even scared while I applied to law school! During the seven years that it took me to complete my book Love Addicted, I experienced every kind of fear imaginable. It's absolutely okay to be afraid, so long as you don't let fear immobilize you. Make that call, it could alter the trajectory of your life. Start that business. Take a public speaking class. Write that book. Remember, even a small leap forward is better than another big idea that you never put into action.

4. Stay With It - People don't get what they want in life because they quit at the smallest sign of difficulty. When I took yoga, the instructor would walk softly about the room, observing folks in their various awkward poses, look at them knowingly and say gently, "Staaaaaayyyyyy with it." He knew our minds and bodies were experiencing discomfort. He also knew expansion in mind and body would only occur if we staaaaaaayyyyed with it. Resist the urge to flicker from one thing to the next every time things get sticky. Every time you gotta do something new. Every time you get scared. Like the infamous they say, anything worth having requires some work. If the Great Spirit known as God gave it to you, it'll work. You'll have to push through the discomfort to experience the joys of sweet success.

5. Know YOU - If you don't know you, then you don't know what you want. If you don't know you, then you will be clueless about what gifts you came to give the world. Stop trying to keep up with the Kardashians and tune into you! Meditate, pray, journal, walk in nature. Also, make friends with people you wouldn't mind being mistaken for, people you admire, think highly of, people you're impressed with. Hang out with people who build you up, people who think you're pretty special too, people who can see when you're not living up to your potential and will lovingly call you on it.

6. Grow Your Skills - No matter how long you meditate and how loud you pray, if you know how to use a computer or write a business plan, you better ask something...for some help. Prayer and meditation do what they do, then we've got to move our feet. We've got to invest in ourselves with books, courses, classes, CDs, DVDs and the like. If you don't, you will tread water forever. But if you want to swim to the other shore, then you've got to learn the things you don't know. What you choose not to learn, hire the right people to assist you. People like website designers, graphic artists, editors, public relations gurus, etc. Oh, and there's a whole world of free information out there. See below how you can get my FREE e-book.

7. Take Care of You - Eat good, wholesome foods. Drink lots of water. Exercise regularly. Have fun. Laugh out loud. Go someplace you've only dreamed of going. Get massages. Go dancing. Spend time with people you adore. Let go of toxic people. Cease to spend time with people who only tolerate you. Surround yourself with people that celebrate you. Dream BIG! Take action, even baby steps will get you there. Enjoy the journey!

I promise you, if you take just one of these steps you will transform your life!

Smooches! DeBora

Be sure to buy a copy of my book, Love Addicted

To read an excerpt of Love Addicted and my soon to be released new book, Why Did He Break Up With Me? and download my FREE e-book on How to Write a Book that $ell visit www.DeBoraricks.com

Sister, I Apologize

2011-12-22T06:13:00.000-08:00

I couldn't sleep, for thinking about yesterday's show. I was on WOLB, the Lawrence Bell Show, and we talked about my recent blog, "Why You Don't Have a Man," in which I gave five reasons for women being alone and lonely.

I apologize, however, for how I talked about my sisters who are dealing with weight issues. It's true that 8 out of 10 black women are overweight. It's also true that being overweight compromises a person's health and affect one's self-esteem. But there's no reason to be judgmental and belittling when we discuss such topics. So, sisters, whether you listened or not, I apologize if I said anything that was offensive or judgmental because it's not my intent to bring you pain or shame but to encourage you to take better care of you. Not so you can attract and keep a man, but for YOU! You deserve to live with the best version of you.

I love doing radio. However, I want to do radio to discuss important matters in a way that heals..not hurt and diminish. So, we will continue our discussion on Love and Relationships on Wednesday, December 28 from 3 to 4 PM, WOLB 1010 AM. I hope you will join us, and add your powerful voice.

In Light & Love

Your sister, DeBora

Author of Love Addicted: One Woman's Spiritual Journey Through Emotional Dependency

www.DeBoraricks.com

It's a White Man's World

2011-12-20T12:25:00.000-08:00

That's what a brother told me yesterday, in response to my question, "Why do you think black men and women have such a hard time making love work?" After giving me an assortment of not very compelling or interesting reasons, all of which I have now forgotten, he finally said, "It's a white man's world." "That's the best you got?" I wanted to yell. That same old tired stuff?

There's much I can say about this, but I'll be brief because I've got to come up with something for dinner before my teenager gets home. Now, let's examine this statement a bit, "It's a white man's world."It really warrants much thought and examination because so many people, especially black men, believe this. I worked three and a half years in a residential drug and alcohol facility where the 120 beds were largely filled by black men. I can recall one of the conversations I had with an ex-drug dealer, who said to me, "Well, you know there's no place for the black man." I guess he concluded this because "it's a white man's world." Ummmmmm. So, if it's a white's man's world, what the hell are the rest of us...Africans, Chinese, Japanese, Mexicans, Koreans, Native Americans, women and girls of all races, and all the other people that populate the planet doing here?

What I told my fine brother in the gym, "if you believe it's a white man's world your thinking and actions will be shaped by that one core belief. You will make choices and decisions out of this belief. You will limit yourself, all because you have concluded that this isn't your world." I sort of agree with my brother. In a way. That so many black men have conceded the entire planet to the white man does indeed affect how black men and women see and engage each other. This belief explains why so many brothers feel disempowered, while they believe black women have some sort of advantage that they don't have. Don't get me wrong, racism does exist. So what? Yeah, I said it. So what? If we'd stop giving racism and the white man so much power and instead recognize how powerful we are, we'd create a whole new world.

It's all in what you believe. I, for one, ain't about to give the white man the whole, entire world. No sir. Ain't I here? Aren't you here? Do you think you're a mistake? Didn't the same God that created the white man create you and me? Some of sisters' impatience and frustration with black men, I think, can be traced back to some brother believing he's powerless, thinking "there ain't no place for me" at the dining room table of good and plenty so I'll just "stay in my place" here in the kitchen.

Stop playing, it's MINE and YOUR world just as much as it is anybody's world. And when we think like this, we'll also act like it and that'll shape what kinds of experiences we have in the world...and in our intimate relationships.

Smooches!

DeBora M. Ricks

Author & Empowerment Speaker

www.DeBoraricks.com

Why You Don't Have a Man

2011-12-14T10:55:00.000-08:00

If you want a man but don't have one, then you're choosing attitudes and behaviors that are keeping you from having what you say you want. We create our own reality; nobody's to blame but you if you're alone.

Quite honestly, I don't like using the word "blame." And yet, I'm using it because we often blame others, like men, when we are single. But there are beliefs and behaviors that you entertain that are the cause of your single status. It's not men, it's YOU!

Five reasons why you don't have a man:

1. You Got Baggage - many women in their 30s, 40s, 50s and even 60s have yet to finish their childhoods. They are still blaming their parents for ruining their chances at success in love and life. Some women are still bitterly angry at ex-husbands and old boyfriends who "did them wrong," broke their hearts, cheated on them, or left them for another woman. We all carry baggage. But some women have a carry-on, three suitcases and a trunk...that need to be checked. People with lots of baggage are hard to love. They don't trust. They are blamers, whiners, and victims. How do we check our baggage? We FORGIVE and LET GO of the past and assume total responsibility for the quality of our life.

2. You Gave Up on Men - After hurt after hurt, some women have simply given up hope of ever being in a deeply satisfying relationship with a man. Some have completely turned away from men and turned to women. No judgment here. And yet, if a woman's reason for getting in a relationship with another woman is fueled by her profound disappointment in men, one must ask, "Where has she deposited this bitterness? Is it showing up in her same sex relationship, contaminating it?" Other women turn to Jesus. I write about a woman in my new book, Why Did He Break Up With Me?, who, after paying a couple of thousand dollars a month to have a man's companionship, finally gave up on men altogether and fell in love with Jesus and the church. Boy was she bitter. She said, pointing to the concrete, "My heart is as hard as that." Good thing Jesus is Jesus because he sure has His work cut out for him.

3. You Let Yourself Go - If I hear another out of shape woman lament, "Why can't they just accept me for who I am?" I'ma get ugly and tell them the truth, which is this: Men are visual creatures. They like women who look good. Women who exercise some discipline around what they eat--and exercise their bodies--are more attractive to men. Sure, every woman wants to be loved for something more than her dangerous curves and luscious lips, but if you're insisting that men not like what they like, not prefer fit and toned bodies over fat and fluffy, well uh, you're wasting brain cells. Get thee butt to the gym or park before January 2012! And stop eating emotionally, to fill voids that food can't possibly fill. Instead, find out what brings you joy and fulfillment and get busy doing those things. And not another cookie today!

4. You Limit Your Options - I've loved a couple of white men. I'm a Cougar and proud of it! Younger men adore me. I exercise my options...because I can. The black woman who's single and wanting to get hitched but turns her nose up at other race and younger men might want to ask herself, "What am I afraid of?" While the loyal to black men sister is sitting home on Saturday night watching reruns of Saturday Night Live a black man is making love to an Asian woman. Stop limiting yourself. Sure, ultimately you might end up with a fine black man. But there's no need to proclaim to all the world, "I don't like white men. I don't want no younger man." Embrace your power to date, love and marry whomever you please and notice how much more juice you have with the brothers.

5. You're Afraid to be Sexy - 9 out of 10 men say what makes a woman sexy is--drum roll please--confidence. What this means is that no matter how you look, you can be a man magnet. Yes, it's that simple. Not arrogance. Not cockiness. Not diva attitude but confidence. I've got one sure way to not only show confidence but grow your talent for dealing with men, flirt and be friendly. I'm amazed at how many women claim they'd like a man in their life but all day long reject men left and right just because these men don't appeal to them as boyfriend or husband material. Ridiculous! If a homeless man gives you a compliment, smile and say, "thank you." Why not? Ain't he a man? Can't he see beauty? Sexy isn't about tight clothes and exposed cleavage. I get loads of compliments from men when I'm dressed for court. A confident woman is feminine, soft, confident, fun and enchanting. She enjoys being a woman, and it shows!

Accepting that it's not men but you who dictates whether you're single or in a relationship puts the power back in your hands, where it belongs. Go into 2012 ready to attract a hunk of burning yum. You got the power! Use it!

Smooches Darlings!

DeBora M. Ricks

Empowerment Speaker & Author of Love Addicted

www.DeBoraricks.com

Decide to Fail

2011-12-09T06:05:00.000-08:00

If you're going to be successful, you've got to be willing to fail. And look stupid, not know what you're doing, feel silly and awkward and lost. A personal experience. I was a shy youngster and teenager. Very shy. I know, if you know me you're probably thinking, "Yeah right, DeBora." But I was. In my twenties I landed a job as an advocate for abused and battered women with the State's Attorneys Office. An advocate needs to speak, right? One day, in a meeting full of lawyers, I was commanded by my supervisor, also a lawyer, to "tell them about the new support group we'd started." Not that it would have made a difference, but I had no idea that this would be expected of me on this day. No amount of forewarning would have made me less terrified.

Okay, I opened my mouth to talk. What came out wasn't French or Spanish, and neither was it English. I was embarrassed beyond words, no pun intended. Lucky for me, it was Friday. I had a couple of days to lick my nasty wounds. I crawled home, into my husband arms, and sobbed. I also vowed to overcome my fear of public speaking. No matter what!

Fast forward, to another time when I attempted to deliver a speech, this time in front of a bunch of brilliant high schoolers. I was awful, awful, awful. For years, whenever I drove by this school, I would be a washed in shame.

I speak for a living now. I love it! The photo above was taken from a home in Paris, France where I did a book reading and signing. It went splendidly! Those expatriates wanted me to talk and talk and talk. I've succeeded at overcoming my fear of public speaking. It's my calling to write and SPEAK to inspire and empower others. So what I had a rough start. So what I sounded illiterate, looked stupid, and felt like a failure early on. So what I failed. Miserably! Failing isn't a crime. Nor is it a shame. What's a crime is not getting back on the horse, staying down. What's a shame is allowing the FEAR of failing to stop you from being, doing or having something that you know you're supposed to be, do and have!

DECIDE to fail! Now you're on the road to success. Inevitably, so long as you're willing to fail, you'll meet with success!

Smooches Darlings!

DeBora

Empowerment Speaker & Author of Love Addicted

www.DeBoraRicks.com

Oh No, Not the Default Setting!

2011-11-22T11:50:00.000-08:00

"Staples has water, twenty four in a pack for blah, blah, blah," my friend says. "If I sold them for blah, blah, blah I could make blah, blah, blah." I looked at him for a minute, then I said, "You're better than that." Interesting. He saw water and how selling it would be an opportunity to make a quick buck. I saw water and a chance to hydrate my body. I also saw how he was about to sell himself out for a few dollars.

That scenario with my friend got me to thinking about the power of belief, and how when we don't believe in our greatness we whittle away a great life on activities, jobs, projects, relationships, that are beneath us. Things and people that don't deserve our time and attention. My friend is a brilliant, creative, dynamic speaker, metaphysician and organizer! Once upon a time he hustled for a living. Consequently, when his old self, small thinking self stumbled upon a pack of water it saw opportunity. But is that really an opportunity for someone like him? Didn't the good book, the Bible, say to whom much is given much is required? Wouldn't my friend better serve the planet if rather than chase after a quick dollar he were to pour that same effort and energy into doing the work that he was born to do?

The default setting isn't where my friend wants to live and operate. Then why, you might ask, did he go there? I'm so glad you asked. We fall back to our default settings when we don't believe it's possible to realize our wildest dreams. Our default setting is to what we return when we've yet to mustered the courage to believe fiercely in ourselves. The default setting is our uncomfortable comfort zone. It's what we know.

I have a dream. You have a dream. My dear friend has a dream. Let us be committed to living our dream(s). Even as our knees shake we must put one foot in front of the other in service of our dreams. Even when our dreams seem impossibly big, we must give ourselves to them. Even when others imagine we're out of our minds, we must stay true to our dreams. Don't go back to what you know, back to your default settings where your itty-bitty self lives. Think big. Forge ahead in the direction of your dreams. Dig deep within and dare to believe in you and your dreams and watch your life unfold in miraculous, magical ways.

DeBora M. Ricks

Total Wellness Coach

Author of Love Addicted: One Woman's Spiritual Journey Through Emotional Dependency

www.DeBoraRicks.com

The Power of Clarity

2011-11-18T10:45:00.000-08:00

A sister friend recently "retired" from her sales job of many years. Now, before you go imagining a stout, slow-moving, balding woman with a short to-do list, let me tell you PeaJae is anything but old and retiring. Anyways, when PeaJae walked away from her sales career she strutted right into her life work as a Bliss Coach and forgiveness guru. Girlfriend didn't miss a beat! God had given her her marching orders and PeaJae confidently marched forth with clarity and purpose. Well, I'm impressed. More significantly, I am inspired. PeaJae was on the radio a couple of nights ago. As I listened to her I had a breakthrough.

Here it is. Drum roll please. I realized why my phone hasn't been ringing, why though I've professed to be a speaker for years my business had yet to take off. Well, it's so simple that it eluded me, well uh, I hadn't be clear. I lacked clarity about what I stood for. Sure, I'm wise and witty and rather entertaining, if I may say so myself. I connect well with my audience, too. But like my life coach has been known to say, "People can't catch a moving target." I've been a moving target. Maybe you can relate. Perhaps you've flickered from one thing to another, never growing roots in any one of them. Clarity is powerful. When we are clear about what we desire, the Universe will readily deliver on our requests. So long as we are confused, uncertain, wishy-washy, uncommitted, afraid to take a stand for ourselves and what we believe in, we get lackluster results. Get clear!

Here's what I do: I help women tend to the most important relationship in their life--the relationship that they have with themselves. See, I was once lost...but now I am found, I had low self-esteem, I didn't believe in myself and my possibilities and I feared being alone, consequently I was bent on appending myself to a man hoping he would make me feel whole and complete and successful. Hallelujah! Not anymore. I now have a strong and succulent relationship with DeBora! My misery is my ministry, something I've been clear about for years. Now I'm abundantly clear it's time I share with the women the world over how they too can fall madly in love with themselves!

DeBora M. Ricks

Wishing you Heaven, Smooches!

Author of Love Addicted: One Woman's Spiritual Journey Through Emotional Dependency

www.DeBoraRicks.com

Get Comfortable with the Weird

2011-10-13T11:56:00.000-07:00

I'm reading singer/actor Tyrese Gibson's book, How to Get Out of Your Own Way. It's thought provoking. He's transparent and real. Something I read yesterday had me jazzed, he said, "Get comfortable with the weird." He contends that it's the weird people who change the world, people like the late great Steve Jobs, once embattled but later lauded, CEO of Apple.

I thought about it and agree, weird is where it is. You know that thing about you that makes you different from everybody else, that way of being, that quirk, that penchant for making people laugh, relax, want to grow, that's the very thing that makes you uniquely special. You know what I'm talking about, those qualities, traits, ideas that you have that your friends and family tease you about. Yeah, those things. Stop resisting them and see the beauty and value in them. When Oprah was a kid some thought she talked too much. In fact, Tyrese says when he was a kid none of his friends and family thought he could sing. "Boy, would you shut up?" is what he would frequently hear from family. Now they ask him for free concert tickets. What if Mr. President would have listened to those so called smart people who believed his name was an impediment to success as a politician. Shucks, Barack Obama is the quintessential "politician," he's the president of the bossiest country in the frickin' free world!

I'm going to embrace and honor my voice. What about you, what weirdness are you going to get comfortable with? The world needs it/ C'mon, share it with us.

DeBora

www.DeBoraricks.com

Author of Love Addicted

Molly Will Never Get My Business

2011-09-22T13:49:00.000-07:00

An editor contacted me, after reading my blog. Said she liked my posts and could help me make them better with a bit of editing. I'm an editor, so I know how important it is to have another set of eyes look at my writing. I'm the person who says "edit or regret it." Well, I called her the morning I read her email.

We decided we would barter. She would edit my website, rather than my blog, and I would edit hers. I'd seen a mistake on the first page of her website and chalked it up to her being human, like me. Humans make mistakes, right?

Several weeks passed. Today I got an email from her and some notes. She said she hadn't edited my pages but provided me with some notes about what changes are needed. In her email she wrote, "I certainly hope you aren't offended by the Notes." I cringed. I opened her Notes cautiously, fearfully.

Perhaps her feedback is spot on but it's hard to swallow because of the tone and spirit in which she delivered it. Had I done anything right on my website? One thing? Something? Not according to Molly. If I had, she never mentioned it.

Here's the lesson, if we're in business to help people then we'd better learn how to give them feedback with love and care. Molly helped me. She caused me to remember that it's not just what we say...but how we say it. People are fragile. We're doing what we do to the best of our ability. Isn't our effort worth something? I think so.

Molly won't get my business. Nor will I send any clients her way. Why would I? She's clueless about how to treat them. I don't know about you, but Molly has reminded me to treat people like I want to be treated, with love and care. Even when we're doing business. We either treat them right or they're go away. As they should!

Peace & Love, DeBora

Fighting Change. NOT!

2011-09-20T11:01:00.001-07:00

Hello There! A lot has happened since I last wrote here. I'm not going to give you details, at least not now, but let's just say some things have changed in my life. To the untrained eye it might look as if these changes were imposed upon me from without. I, however, and my metaphysician friends, know better. Change! Isn't it absolutely wonderful! Maybe it doesn't feel so wonderful when it comes upon you suddenly and it's "bad." Whether you like it or hate it, it is what it is...and what it is is inevitable. So, why not find a way to see the good in it, to even, pray tell, make it fun!

I've been busy living full out! YAY! Life is grand. It's such a blessing to have a good life, know what I mean? I have friends and family who love me, like my company, who are happy to see me. Then there are those who don't like me, who cringe when I show up. I especially enjoy them, although in bite size, because they inspire me baby! Yes, they make me want to BE more, DO more, and HAVE more. Surely you have some delightful folks like that in your world, right? Yes, let your detractors make you even better. Someone once told me that "envy is just admiration up side down." So the next time someone hates on you, thank them for clearly they see something in you that they wish they possessed.

Let's talk more about navigating change. Our bodies change. Of course exercise can slow the aging process, so get thee butt to the gym, outdoors for a walk or skip, or in a pool. Our relationships shift. Once upon a time me and my sister Ayo were the envy of the Ricks clan because we did so much together. We did our favorite festivals together, the Baltimore Book Festival and Artscape. We braved cold nights to see Dr. Maya Angelou, Nikki Giovanni, James Baldwin, Haile Gerima. The posse, which was Ayo, her son Baba, my daughter Adia, and our mother Mattie Ricks, would take nice family vacations together. Then things changed. And I couldn't blame it on school and work. I thought my sister didn't love me anymore. Then I discovered I was still loved. That both my sister and I needed some breathing space so we could better find our true selves. Our relationship today is different, stronger, more authentic. What appeared to be the end of a relationship was but the end of a way of being together. That had to die for something more real to be born. Over time, all relationships morph. They must because we change. Let them. If that means goodbye, say it in love. Love abounds. Don't worry, be happy.

We have a choice. We can resist change and boohoo all over the place. Hold onto people, jobs, situations as if we can't live without them. Or we can accept change with grace, maybe even embrace it. We can see change as the gift that it is. If we get fired from a job or relationship it's only the Universe telling us it's time to grow. See, because humans so fear change we too often stay in places and relationships where we are no longer wanted. Listen, you are wanted elsewhere. Somebody, somewhere...over there, is waiting for you. Since they want you and what you got they'll appreciate you. Now tell me, don't you think you deserve to be appreciated? Sure you do. I don't know about you, but I'm determined to only be with people who appreciate me.

Tomorrow, initiate change. Go a different way to work. Wear red instead of black. Comb your hair back instead of forward, even if you feel a bit odd. LoL Now notice how alive you feel. Learning how to roll with small changes prepares us for bigger, scarier changes that seem to be imposed upon us by others. To paraphrase what someone famous once said, "What lies behind us and before us are no match for what lies within us." If you remember that you'll know how to roll with the changes in your life...and might even discover you sort of like change. Uh, maybe.

Smooches! DeBora

DeBora M. Ricks

Speaker/Editor/Writer Coach & Consultant/Attorney

Author of Love Addicted: One Woman’s Spiritual Journey through Emotional Dependency

www.DeBoraricks.com

http://deboraricks.blogspot.com

Dricks6085@aol.com

Next Book! Why Did He Break Up With Me?

Lessons in Love, Loss and Letting Go

Burn the Past

2011-09-09T09:47:00.000-07:00

No matter how evolved you are, you will make decisions that, if you could go back to the past, you'd choose differently. Sometimes we say things we wish we'd kept to ourselves. There have been times when we've drank too much, spent too much, and ate too much of the "wrong" foods. Who among us hasn't broken a promise, forgot to return a call, missed an important meeting, over committed ourselves and couldn't fulfill an obligation.

Then there are those who feel they have wasted an entire life. They were hooked on drugs, strung out on pills, addicted to alcohol, or in and out of prison.

No matter who you are, you have a past. No matter how good looking, buffed, wealthy, clever, smart, educated, or old you are, you don't have it ALL together. You've said and done a stupid thing or two. You've fallen short in some way. Consequently, you may have regrets. You may even beat yourself up for those things. Well, you are not your past. Your past is but a phantom. It's over. It's but a memory. Listen, back when you did and said what you did and said you did your best. You made choices for yourself (and others) that felt right at that time. Now that you know better, you can do better, right?

Whatever you do, don't beat yourself up for yesterday's choices, missteps, mistakes. Here's how you do that: First, accept that you are human. Secondly, remember that you are a work in progress. Lastly, let go of all your self limiting images. See, it's when we measure what we did with who we imagine we are or should be that causes angst and self-condemnation. You are human! A spiritual being having a human experience. As such, it's expected that we will mess up from time to time. So, please be gentle with yourself.

You are not your past. Put the past behind you, where it properly belongs and embrace the present moment. Live from here onward. Now, doesn't that feel better? Sure it does.

Love & Light, DeBora
Visit me on the web at http://www.deboraricks.com/
Author of Love Addicted: One Woman's Journey Through Emotional Dependency

Watch Your Mouth!

2011-09-06T13:17:00.000-07:00

A client poked his head in to speak to me. To his question, "How are you, Ms. Ricks?" I quickly responded "Great!" "Every time I speak to you, you're always great Ms. Ricks. Why don't you give me one of those self-help books you read?" he said looking serious. I invited him in and directed him to sit down a bit. As I handed him one of my old Science of Mind magazines, one of my mental and spiritual food sources, he confessed that he has a self-esteem problem, that though he attends Narcotics Anonymous he needs and wants more.

I asked Gordon, which is what I shall call him, to tell me one thing he desires for his life. "I don't want to use anymore,'" he quickly responded. "Okay. Now flip it. State that in the positive. Take the words "want" and "don't" out. Now say it." He struggled. "I am not going to blah, blah, blah." I stopped him. He wasn't used to talking positively to himself. He wasn't used to being his own best friend Gordon wasn't used to affirming what he DOES want. And he's not alone.

When we use the words want we come from a place of lack. So I wrote an affirmation down on the SOM magazine for him, then asked him to repeat it. "I choose to stay clean and sober." When he spoke it, his posture instantly improved and his gaze grew more confident. Gordon used drugs for nearly 30 years; this is the first time he has desired to stop. He absolutely has the power to stay clean and sober, he need only watch what he thinks and speaks because his words, as do yours and mine, create his life.

Every thought and word creates. Either we are pulling to us or pushing away from us the desires of our heart. No word is meaningless. No thought is empty. Watch your mouth...and your mind. When you find yourself thinking about what you DON'T want, STOP IT! Now think about what you desire. Now CHOOSE it. Choose to think on those things, consistently, regularly, daily, often and watch them show up magnificently, in your life.

Love & Light, DeBora

Check me out on the web at http://www.deboraricks.com/

We Are Powerful Beyond Measure!

2011-08-16T12:49:00.000-07:00

We are so powerful! Sometimes I forget just how utterly powerful I am...until I look up and see something I've desired has miraculously materialized. A case in point. I've secretly longed to do a book reading slash signing in Paris, France. Some of my all time favorite authors were expatriates, leaving America to live and write in Paris to escape racism. People like James Baldwin, Richard Wright, and Langston Hughes.

I've been to Paris about three and a half times now. That half time was brief; I was coming back from South Africa and we stopped in Paris for a day or so. Well, another desire of my heart was realized this past June when my friend Latesha invited me to go to Paris with her.

Thanks to Ricki Stevenson, founder and owner of Black Paris Tours, a sister I met some 12 years ago via a magazine article that I read and saved, I did a book reading and signing in Paris. Ricki, God bless her, not only invited a group of passionate, beautiful, intelligent sisters but a good sisterfriend of hers, Kathleen Dameron, graciously hosted the event in her gorgeous home. The sun was shining outside and food and wine was plentiful inside. Those sisters, all of whom live in Paris or are bi-continental, made me want to go on forever reading and answering questions; they were so interested.

I was the star attraction. The only thing I did was show up. It wasn't even my idea to have the event, it was Ricki's. She said she wanted to do it and she made it happen.

What did I do? First, I held the vision. Someone reminded former president Bill Clinton, "It's your job to hold the vision!" when he started to get off track. Next, I didn't sabotage it. You know what I'm talking about. Things are going great...and you can't stand the glory so you derail the train. Finally, I showed up and let Spirit speak through me. It happened on a Friday. Every time I thought about writing something out, nothing came. So I trashed that idea and decided to trust the process. Things flowed and I was fabulous!

You are powerful beyond measure. Whatever you believe is possible is possible. You hold the vision, that's your job! God handles the details.

Love Addicted was instrumental in helping me to change the course of my life! ~ Letrice Gant

If you'd like to buy a copy of Love Addicted, visit my website at www.DeBoraricks.com

I've Missed You!

2011-07-13T10:16:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. It's been a long time since I've been here. No excuses. But an explanation might be in order. I went to Paris, France. One of my favorite cities. I had such an interesting, dynamic, profound experience that I thought I might see if a magazine editor would be interested in my adventures. Well, I never pursued it. Instead I've been busy working on my second book,Why Did He Break Up With Me? Lessons in Love, Loss and Letting Go. The subtitle just materialized the other day, seemingly out of thin air. I know, it was Spirit. I've also been spending more quality time with my daughter Adia (she'll be going off to college next year. Yay! and BooHoo!), working out, being a good daughter (who knows what my mother would call me. LOL), reading some great books and working my day job. Did I forget something? Oh, I continue to do radio. I'm loving it more and more every week. I'm truly finding my voice. Sure, some of you think I've always had one. No. Not really. All my life I've worked on cultivating my authentic voice. That work continues.

But I've missed connecting with you! Whoever you are that reads my blog. Stay tuned because I will be sharing my adventures, both local and abroad. Also, soon I'll be seeking guests for my radio show. We've revamped the show. Now we rotate as hosts. Each month either me, Devon or Sheila are at the controls. This month, July, Sheila's in charge. So I'm asking Spirit how best to use this powerful medium. I love books, especially autobiographical works and self-help books. I'm passionate about exploring personal growth issues too. I'll keep you posted. I'm looking for guests for September. We air every Thursday from 3:30 to 4:30 pm on WOLB 1010 AM. You may come into the studio or call in.

Until next time, stay true to YOU!

Love & Light, DeBora

Do They Matter to You?

2011-05-18T14:15:00.000-07:00

I hope you're having a splendid day. I haven't been here in awhile because I've been putting my attention elsewhere. On completing my second book. Working. Building my business. Doing radio. Getting my daughter through her junior year of high school, preparing her for the prom. Working out, doing boot camp again.

Life is a balancing act. When we see one area of our life dominating, to the detriment of others, maybe it's time to recalibrate. Time to reevaluate and ask ourselves if our money, time, energy are in alignment with what we truly value. See, where we place these resources, not what we say, truly reflect our values.

Okay, gotta run. I promised my daughter I would pick her up from school today. I realize, more than anything, relationships matter to me. I hold the key to the health of them. So, I decided today to attend my family reunion Memorial Day weekend.

Tomorrow's not promised. Today, tell someone you love how much they mean to you.

Oh, I love you!

Sex or Salsa, Anyone?

2011-04-16T08:18:00.000-07:00

I attended the Remarkable Women's Chat & Chew Wellness Happy Hour. I so love learning! Well, I learned something last night that surprised and delighted me. Ladies, did you know that hips "are the seat of energy for women"? Well, they are. Acupuncturist, Detoxification Specialist and founder of Women in Wellness, Cara Michele Nether, shared that there are 10 Pillars of Wellness. A woman's hips are one of the Pillars. Who woulda thought that moving your hips could actually promote health and wholeness? I sure didn't. Well, armed with that knowledge, I woke this morning ready to bust a move. Rather than put on my usual sleepy meditation CD while I shower and dress, instead I put on the one and only Michael Jackson. First it was This is It! CD. Then my daughter, who LOVES MJ, made a request and I put on Invincible. While making my daughter's breakfast, I danced. For good measure, I threw in a few Fred Astaire moves after frying the eggs. As I styled my hair and put on my mascara, I shook my hips. Drank some water, which is another one of the Pillars of Wellness, and danced some more. Not only was I healing myself emotionally, I was, to use Cara Michele's term, having "tons of fun." This one's for my friend Zee, who loves to talk and educate women about the benefits of sex and sensuality, so ladies let's get it on! Yes, let's make love! And don't be no pillow princess when you do, laying there like you're too cute to sweat. MOVE those HIPS! Gyrate! Shake what your momma gave you. Give it all you got!

Okay, if you're on a hiatus from sex, for whatever reason, don't despair. You still can move that precious energy with Zumba, salsa, belly dancing, hand dancing, hip-hop, you name it. Use your imagination, the sky is the limit. Whatever you do, have fun doing it.

______________________________

Visit me at www.DeBoraricks.com where you may buy a copy or two of my book, Love Addicted: One Woman's Spiritual Journey Through Emotional Dependency. And remember to listen to Lift Your Voice With Devon Blackwood, every Thursday, 3:30 - 4:30 WOLB 1010 AM or listen in at http://www.wolbbaltimore.com/ I'm one of the co-host!

Please, Say a Command!

2011-04-07T11:31:00.000-07:00

I was driving in to work this morning when I decided to call my friend Jeannette to ask if she'd like to attend a Testimonial Tea with me on Saturday. As punching the cell phone keys would have taken my eyes off the road, I thought about pulling over to make the call. Then I remembered that by accident I sometimes access a feature that instructs, "Please say a command!" I usually shut it down, thinking it was of no use to me. Or that it would be too complicated to be of any use. Well, this time I decided to try it. I clicked the side of my cell phone and a voice said, "Please say a command!" I said, "Call Jeannette." It asked, "Did you say call Jeanette?" I answered, "Yes." Next voice I heard was Jeannette's. I was amazed. Not at technology but at how much that series of seemingly insignificant events are like life. We have at our disposal gifts, talents, skills, resources...but we discount them, and don't use them. There they sit, waiting for us to just tap into them. Using that voice command feature made my life a bit easier. Kept me safe too. What gifts, talents, resources, skills are you discounting? Minimizing and therefore not using? The Universe is standing by, just waiting for you to, "Please, say a command!" _____________________________________________________

Visit me at www.DeBoraricks.com and buy a copy or two of my book, Love Addicted: One Woman's Spiritual Journey Through Emotional Dependency. And remember to listen to Lift Your Voice With Devon Blackwood, every Thursday, 3:30 - 4:30 WOLB 1010 AM or listen in at http://www.wolbbaltimore.com/ I'm one of the co-host!

Fall Madly in Love

2011-03-21T14:16:00.001-07:00

My niece's grandmother passed away last week. She was 80. I don't know whether at the end of her life she was pleased with how she'd lived or not. We are in our senior years who we've become as the result of our actions now. I'm thinking about these things because I was talking to a dear friend of mine earlier today and she said, sobbing, that she doesn't want to grow old alone like her mother and auntie did. That's one of her primal fears. All of this because she was advised by someone in a 12-Step Program that she attends not to be in an intimate relationship with a man for at least a year.

I used to think I had to have a man to be happy. Then, one day, I woke up and found ME. And my purpose. I'm now so wrapped up in living my purpose and salivating over the possibilities for my life that I simply don't have time to feel lonely. Actually, I'm just having so much fun having breakthroughs that I wonder how I ever thought being with me was so horrifying. Did you know that most people don't like the company they keep...with themselves? That's why addiction is so pervasive. And yet we're relentless about securing a relationship with another person. Imagine that, we don't like our own company but we expect that someone else will.

We've got to fall madly in love with the woman in the mirror. Fall in love with the life we're creating and living. Fall in love with your purpose and possibilities. Whooda thought me, a self-confessed love addict, could be so content that she could spend her entire Saturday doing laundry, cleaning, writing, reading, recording videos on my new web cam, shopping for a gift for a friend's new baby boy and not have one moment of loneliness. Not ONE moment. In fact, I was so pleased that no one phoned me. It was me, myself, God and my excitement about life!

If you want your senior years to be golden you've got to work on that now, today. If you resist your own company, that's precisely who you need to spend more time with, YOU! When we love ourselves madly, we will magnetize love and abundance in every area of our life.

I love you! DeBora

You Are Worthy!

2011-03-17T11:30:00.000-07:00

I'm on my way to the radio station, WOLB, and don't have much time. (We're talking about bullying some more. Did you see that bullied boy in Australia finally fight back by body slamming his taunter? Bullied people the world over are cheering!) Oh, before I leave my office, I simply want to tell you this, if no one has yet to do so: You are worthy! Yes, no matter what you've done and haven't done, you are worthy. Your past doesn't define you.

If you're sitting on something, a book, a business, a great idea, get up off your butt and START or FINISH! The book won't write itself. The business won't start and run itself. There's a calling on your life. God's on the line. Answer the freakin' call! I know you hear the ringing in your ear. Answer the call! I know, I know...you're scared. So what?! Who isn't afraid. We've got to feel the fear, treat (pray) and move our feet. Jump! Yes, leap. And watch your wings grow...and you start to fly.

Know that you are loved, deeply and unconditionally. God loves you. I love you! Now, get moving. Do something that scares you. Do it NOW!

Watch Your Mouth!

2011-02-25T00:00:00.000-08:00

A co-worker who's always on the look-out for a new job said about a prospective gig when I asked if he'd travel to DC for it, "I'll break my leg to get there." I quickly responded, "You might not want to say that." Then I told him about a woman I know who talked herself into a stroke. Let's call this woman Mary. Well, one day Mary saw a friend of hers who had lost a good deal of weight due to an illness. Mary says to me, "I wish I could get sick so I can lose weight." To which I responded, "Ms. Mary, you might want to watch your words. You don't have to get sick to lose weight." Within a couple of months, Ms. Mary had a massive stroke. Yes, she lost weight while she recovered. She also lost the full use of both her left hand and foot.

Watch your mouth! Words create, even ones we say in jest.

Visit me on the web at http://www.deboraricks.com/

How You Living?

2011-02-23T12:28:00.000-08:00

How you living? Are you pleased with your life? Do you like the person that looks back at you in the mirror? Or do you despise her? Do you love the one you're ALWAYS with or...do you loathe him?

Tomorrow we're doing a show on addiction. You know, those behaviors, thoughts, substances we reach for to escape people we don't like, us. I not only work in the addiction field but all week long for one reason or another I've been talking with my friends about this or that addiction. I have a friend who's addicted to weed, wine and women. Another friend decided that she could no longer permit her craving for starch and sugar to control her eating habits, so she's joining Over Eaters Anonymous. I applaud her. She was inspired by a mutual friend, Jeanette, who lost a whopping 85 pounds! Jeanette was sick and tired of being sick and tired so she did something about it.

An addiction is a spiritual dis-ease. That means if you're ready to stop letting the lure of another pair of shoes or bag of chips tell you what to do, then you'll have to take a spiritual approach to your healing. Don't believe me? Attend a 12-step program meeting. The first thing that addicts who do the steps learn is that there's a power greater than themselves that is waiting for them to turn to It.

Let me tell something, no matter what your drug of choice is, whether it's Dunkin Donuts, UTZ potato chips, Starbucks coffee, designer clothes or charming but dangerous people, the power is within you to heal. And guess what, the rewards are greater than you think. I thought when I got a handle on my urge to spend on stuff I didn't need that I'd simply have more money to travel and eat at fine restaurants. Sure, that is true. But guess what else is happening FOR me? I am less afraid. I have more emotional and mental energy for the things I really love. I like myself better. I feel more in control of my life. I have more confidence. I experience more joy. You see, studies indicate that people who spend LESS and DO more are happier. Stuff, my dear friend can't bring joy. Comfort, yes. Joy, no. Nor can Ben & Jerry fill those empty places inside you.

Addictions rob us of the life we really want because while we are actively using we aren't truly living. Instead, we're languishing. We're running. We're numbing out. That sense of aliveness that our souls yearn isn't for sale. Nor can it be smoked, drank or eaten. We must find the God in us and love her Fiercely!

Here's some good news. You can heal. First, make a commitment to stop using. You can't detoxify from your drug and indulge in it at the same time. Stop going to the mall as if it's a real outing. Stop going to those all you can eat joints cuz you know you won't stop eating until you've nearly overdosed on those fake potatoes. Put the bottle down. I know it ain't easy. But you CAN do it, with God's help you can.

Secondly, change your lifestyle! You may have to dump some friends. Sorry. Crack addicts fly, uh, hang with crack addicts. In crack houses. If your friends overeat but aren't on the road to recovery, limit your outings with them. Don't stop living. Replace the activities you once enjoyed with new activities. Go bowling. Take a walk. Go to a lecture. Take a hot bath. Dance. Meditate. Pray. Find a spiritual community that uplifts you with love and acceptance. Visit my web site "Links" page for the address, go to http://www.deboraricks.com/

Thirdly, put together a plan for maintaining your sobriety. Remember, when we fail to plan we plan to fail.

I Love you!

Tune into WOLB 1010 AM every Thursdays 3:30 -4:30. Thursday, 2/24. Topic: Addiction & a Salute to Blacks who Inspire Us!

Fall Madly in Love...With You: 12 Things

2011-02-14T12:13:00.000-08:00

No excuses. I have none for not coming here sooner. What I tell myself, that keeps me from blogging, is "I don't have anything to say." Translation: I'm not willing to be transparent. At the time, I wasn't willing to say what's really on my mind or in my heart.

But even when I don't wish to be transparent, I always have something say. Just ask my daughter or friends. I talk. I talk alot. I always have an opinion...about something!

Well, it's Valentine's Day! Happy Valentine's Day to You! It's the day of love. I feel loved because I love myself. I'm not completely there but I do love myself more then I did last week. Certainly more than I did last year. Like loving anyone, self love requires commitment and courage.

How do I know I'm falling more deeply in love with me? Well, I look at how I treat me today. And how others treat me, that is, what I accept and tolerate from others. These are my best barometers.

Speaking of how people treat each other. You know what really grinds my gears? I'm glad you asked. Actually, it's something that saddens me. I am sadden by how we talk to each other. When I worked with abused and battered women they would often talk about how the black eye and swollen lip would heal. The harsh, toxic words hurled at their self-esteem, however, could last a lifetime. Of course, these women have some say about that. If they'd take Les Brown's advice to "not let another person's opinion of us become our reality" then they would shake those nasty words off and keep it moving.

Self-esteem. When we have a healthy dose of self-esteem we don't permit people to mistreat us. It won't feel right or good to be belittled, berated, criticized, controlled, judged, scapegoated, blamed, cursed, yelled at...unless that's how you treat yourself.

Let's be real, lot's of us abuse and batter ourselves mentally and emotionally. We got old tapes running from childhood. Stuff like, "Who do you think you are?!" And "You'll never amount to anything!" There's also the guilt trips, blaming and shaming that our "caretakers" took care of.

Well, it's Valentine's Day! Celebrate you today. Commit to loving you the way you dream of being loved by another. If you're single now, learning to deeply love you means you'll attract a more loving person. Because we attract not what we say we want, but who we are.

Here's 12 things that will happen when you fall madly in love with YOU:

you may have moments of loneliness but not frequently

you stop comparing yourself to others

you begin to truly enjoy your own company

you recover more quickly from dissappointments, losses and betrayals

you become more generous

you stop criticizing yourself

you play and laugh more

you stop judging self and others

you realize that being single doesn't mean something's wrong with you

you get excited about your life and the limitless possibilities

you do more of the things that are good for you

you take more risks

Go ahead, I dare you. Fall madly in love with you. Why? Because you, more than anyone, deserves your love and attention.

Tune in to Lift Your Voice Radio Talk Show, every Thursday, 3:30 to 4:30 at WOLB 1010 AM.

Or listen at www.wolbbaltimore.com

Why You Must Do What Scares You

2011-01-28T07:11:00.000-08:00

I haven't been here, to write, because nothing much seems to be on my mind worth writing about. Then again, I think it's just that what I've been focusing on lately strikes me as personal matters, nothing that others would be interested in reading. However, I'm committed to sharing my truths and as they say, and I agree, we are one. What matters to me matters to somebody else. And so, I'll share whatever Spirit gives me, even as my fingers make contact with the keys on my laptop.

I'm feeling quite good these days because I can see evidence of a change in my thinking about myself and life. Although I've achieved some dreams like becoming a lawyer and writing a book, I could see how still I permit self-doubt to rob me of greater success. Obstacles that appear to be out there and very real are internal. I'm reminded of the saying, "what lies before me and what lies behind me are nothing compared to what lies within me."

What keeps us from living the life of our dreams? F.E.A.R. False. Evidence. Appearing. Real. We fear we're not smart enough. Good enough. Young enough. Educated enough. Articulate enough. Organized enough. Worthy. Thin enough. Pretty enough. Ready. The "right" race or gender. And did I mention not good enough? We let self-doubt, fear, have the last say. So we don't do the very things that will inevitably lead us to the enchanted life we pine for.

Last week Devon Blackwood, the host of Lift Your Voice Radio Show, invited me to join him in the studio as a guest slash cohost. The topic: Race relations for the first half hour. Then bullying, if time permits. I've done radio before. Loved it, too. However, the topic usually had something to do with love and relationships. Topics that get my juices flowing. Well, I was due in court with a client that day, an afternoon case. In Catonsville. Near the Woodlawn studio. I wanted to be on the show but I was scared. I've never publicly shared what I think about race relations. But hadn't I declared earlier this year that I would do radio at least twice a month? I only neglected to tell the Universe what topics I wanted to discuss. Which, by the way, turns out to be a good thing. I get to s-t-r-e-t-c-h myself.

I prepared. I so love the Internet. At my fingertips was Dr. King's Letter from Birmingham Jail and everything I've ever wanted to know about bullying in schools. Did you know that studies conclude that bullies DON'T have low self-esteem? Puhlease! Anyway, I got out of court at 3, the show goes on at 3:30. Both nervous and excited, I drove to the studio.

I did what scared me...and had a ball doing it. I knew from experience that once I did what frightens me I would grow in confidence and that that confidence translates into greater success. It becomes a stepping stone. When we don't do the things that terrify us, self-doubt wins. Then self-doubt, rather than belief in self, grows.

Yesterday I was invited to come or call into the show to discuss women and incarceration. Once again, I had the jitters. So what though. I forged ahead and added value to the discussion. I've been invited to do two more shows, on domestic violence. Or as I call it, domestic silence because we talk so little about intimate partner abuse. Had I not pushed through my fear and done last week's show I doubt that I would have been invited to do more shows.

Some things must happen before other things can happen. A case in point. I met the host of Lift Your Voice at an Ethics training I facilitated. He was one of the participants. I was scared when I did THAT training...but did it anyway. Who would have thought that would lead to my being on the radio? Not I. To paraphrase Dr. King, trust yourself and God enough to take the step in front of you...because God never shows us the entire staircase.

So I ask you, what might you do, or begin, today that scares you? Know this, the Universe supports you.

Tune in to Lift Your Voice radio show, Thursday, February 3 & 10, 3:30 to 4:30 pm on 1010 WOLB AM or www.wolbbaltimore.com Topic: Domestic Violence

The Universe Supports Us

2011-01-17T14:59:00.000-08:00

My Aunt V, my mother's sister, was recently hospitalized. Me, my mother, sister, brother and daughter drove to DC on Sunday to see her. She shares a birth date with Dr. King; she just turned 78. The Sunday before I was in sunny 82 degree San Juan, Puerto Rico at a life altering women's conference on wealth. I can still see the Atlantic Ocean slapping the boulders before turning into foam and hear it roar from my 9th floor oceanview room. I returned to Baltimore deeply committed to living within my means as I work to increase those means exponentially. I even decided to take on a budget by using the formula that financial and life coach Lynn Richardson gave us: 10/10/30/50. Tithe 10%. Save 10%. Spend 30%. Pay bills with the balance, 50%.

And so we headed to DC. Neither I nor Adia, my daughter, had eaten anything after church. I was not interested in spending any money either. Every dollar spent is a dollar not saved or invested. Back to San Juan. I took a couple of credit cards and $200 to San Juan and returned home with $185. (I sold copies of my book Love Addicted.) But what sticks with me is how FREE and in control I felt because the urge to spend for the sake of spending had somehow dissipated. I spent money only on food, water, and transportation. Not once did I feel anxious about money...because my desires weren't driving and dictating my decisions. Nobody got "gifts" either. Including me. Who says you gotta buy T-shirts and trinkets to prove you really were where you said you were? So, let's get back on the road to Georgetown University Hospital to see my mother's sister. My mother, God bless her, did something strange; she offered to pay for my daughter's Checkers meal. Then things got even stranger, mother offered to pay for everybody's meal, mine, my brother's and my sister's. Who was this hatted lady? I thought. And who kidnapped my mother? Thanks to Adia's iphone GPS we managed to get to the hospital pretty much without a blip. Aunt V, who had been bleeding on the brain, was sitting up and talking. Was she clear and coherent? Uh, no, not really. But she looked remarkably well and we were happy she was hanging in there.

On our return to the city, we made another fast food stop. As my sister ordered fries, out loud I considered McDonald's smoothie. Once again my mother offered to foot the bill. You don't understand, my mother don't do these sort of strange things.

I never spent a dime. Years ago, I had a similar experience. I wanted to buy a book I'd eyeballed on Amazon but knew that that $25 could be better allocated. Several days later a friend of my sister called me. She had two brand new copies of Sacred Contracts and wanted to know if I wanted one of them. I as in awe. Of God. How She provides.

The Universe supports us abundantly...when we take right action. Over and over again I observed this: when I do the right thing for the right reasons the Universe ALWAYS provides those things I want. Trust God to handle the details. Take right action and watch how God shows off.

It's Not Him, It's YOU!

2011-01-03T10:37:00.000-08:00

I hope you brought the new year in with a bang! I sure did. Me and Mike had a party at his house. There were good friends, good food prepared by us and friends, and spirits. We talked, laughed, danced, ate and did I mention we laughed. I had a blast! Right before 2011 rolled in, we went around the room and said what we'd like to create more of this year. Nobody vowed to have more love show up in their life but from my observation and conversations with friends I hear a lot of folks, especially women, want to see love on the menu in 2011.

If you want to attract a certain kind of person, commit to being that person. If you want a generous, loving, emotionally available, fun, intelligent, financially fit, passionate, self-respecting man then BE that kind of woman.

You know what that means sisters, that means you've got to let go of some things. You see, you can't become all the things I mentioned above while holding onto fear, resentment, and anger left over from your past relationships. You won't attract a tender, loving manly man if you want to wear the pants in the relationship. You won't attract a man that treats you like a diamond if you treat yourself like glass. You won't attract and sustain a soul satisfying relationship with an emotionally healthy man if you're jacked up emotionally. You won't attract a man who likes you until you like you. Unlike women, men don't generally sign-up for fixer-upper women. They won't take on the job of making you feel good about you. Instead, they'll keep it moving until they find the woman that meets their standards.

The law of attraction is ALWAYS at work. If you find you repeatedly attract men who undervalue you, who expect you to give give and give some more while they never give back to you, who leave you in a lurch, who are callous and inconsiderate don't waste your time dissecting them, look at you. You're the magnet! When you change what you think about you and men you'll attract a different caliber of man. And when you attract men you don't care to take up with, you will cease to give them your phone number. It's that simple.

If you want to attract love, BE love. Cultivate love for self and others. One night, while wrapped up in my beloved's arms I asked him, "How do you know so well how to love me?" Without missing a beat he said, "Baby, I love you the way I do because of the way you love you." Go ahead, say it, "Wow!" I sure did.

I've been on my journey towards self-love for decades. When I wasn't getting the kind of love I so deeply desired AND deserve, rather than blame the man I took responsibility for myself. That's what every woman who wants a loving relationship must do; she must take full responsibility for herself. That's the first step. Step #2: Change what you believe and think about yourself. If you think something is wrong with you, that you need fixing then guess what the men you attract will think about you? You got it! They will agree with you, that you're a mess. If they think you're a hot mess, guess how they will treat you? Right again. Step #3: Change what you think about men. Men aren't the villains we make them out to be. And neither are you a victim. You have POWER! Use it. And another thing, all the good men AREN'T taken. Shucks, even if they were once all taken, every once in awhile their relationship ends through divorce or death. If your thinking is right, you could be next in line. But for real, good men remain. Here's the thing, if you believe in scarcity, you will overlook the abundance right under your nose. Gurl, get your thinking straight!

Love is on the menu! Now, place your order and the universe will gladly serve you.

Peace & Light, DeBora

Stay tuned for my next book: Why Did He Break Up With Me? Scheduled to be released by my birthday, February 19!

Just Claim It!

2010-12-28T11:32:00.000-08:00

In the words of the prophet SpongeBob SquarePants, "I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready!" I'm ready to take life on, to step into my greatness, to answer the call to soar as I serve. You see, it's my dream to speak and sell books for a living. I want to share with the world all that I have learned about love and relationship, about how to transform addictive "love" to personal power, how to attract and keep the love of your life, and how to heal from a breakup and keep your heart open to love, all of which I know a lot about.

Then it hit me. I don't have to doubt that I can have the desires of my heart. I CAN. You see, when I look back over my life everything that I've ever wanted has come to me and largely they have materialized without my doing anything except: nurse the desire to have them. A case in point.

About three weeks ago I told my teenage daughter Adia, "I really want to fly first class." Though I am scheduled to fly to San Juan next week, I was pretty sure I was flying coach, not first class, because my budget could only afford coach. Well, last week I called U.S. Air to make my reservation. "On the flight back," says the customer service rep, "you'll be in first class."First class?" I repeated. "It's cheaper than coach," she added. Wow! Another answered prayer.

Another example of the power of desire and feeling deserving: I've been thinking I'd sure like to get a lower interest rate on my mortgage. Well, I started getting letters from a mortgage company offering just that. I spoke with a representative then checked them out with the Better Business Bureau. Still, I didn't act. Then I got another letter, the "Final Notice" they said. Then it occurred to me that once again my prayer was being answered. I gathered my paperwork and faxed them to the loan officer yesterday. The process has begun.

This same principle works regardless of the desire. I wanted to ramp up my fitness program. Soon after I had the thought I was invited to join a boot camp. It also works equally as well in love. Even though in recent years I've not felt so lucky in love, still I believed there was a man out there just right for me. Last year this time when a relationship folded that I thought would last I affirmed, "I deserve better treatment than this" as I held fast to the belief that my right and perfect partner is coming to me. Well, I have fallen in love with a man so easy to love; he's fun, thoughtful, affectionate, spiritual, forward thinking, communicative and some more good stuff. He and I will be bringing in the New Year together.

The doubt is gone. What I seek seeks me. I claim it! I am serving humanity through my writings, books, and talks. I am living my dreams!

So, what are you claiming in 2011? Know this, whatever your heart desires and you believe is possible for YOU will magically come to you. Give thanks!

Love & Light, DeBora

Love is Possible...If You Believe

2010-12-20T12:30:00.000-08:00

As 2011 rapidly approaches, like most, I tend to think about what I'd like to Release, Re-dedicate myself to, and Ramp Up. Release is necessary. We hold onto thoughts, beliefs, and ways of being in the world that may have served us at one time but have ceased to do so. As children, we adopt coping strategies that, if resorted to as adults, only make matters worse. And yet, we continue to use--or they use us--these coping skills.

What might we achieve, have, experience if we were to, from time to time, release thoughts, beliefs, and ways of being that sabotage our life. Let's say, in the coming year, that you'd like to attract a loving, trusting man capable of committing to you. You've pined for such a relationship now for awhile. But, all you keep meeting are the "wrong" kinds of men. What's a gal to do?

Let's begin with two questions my friend Angel, who is a Life Coach, ask her clients:

1. What do you believe about yourself?

2. What do you believe about men?

If you're like so many single women I know, you don't have what you say you want in a companion because you make one or many of these mistakes:

1. You don't believe your dream man even exist
2. You don't believe you are worthy of what you say you want
3. You give yourself to men who aren't The One
4. You think "all the good ones are taken"
5. You think the ones left are dogs, liars, cheaters, players, losers,...you name it

Now, with beliefs like these what do you imagine you will attract/create? How about more of what you say you DON'T want.

We CAN dump outdated beliefs that undermine our ability to manifest our deepest heart's desires. Here's how. Use Denials to uproot sabotaging thoughts and beliefs and Affirmations to replace those.

I offer these Denials and Affirmations:

1. I AM worthy of a loving, trusting committed relationship
2. All the good men AREN'T taken
3. There are plenty of good men still available
4. I deserve love and companionship
5. My divine and right partner comes to me NOW
6. I NOW bless and release everyone who isn't willing and able to give me the love and companionship I so richly deserve

Work with these and any other Denials and Affirmations that resonate with you. Those sabotaging beliefs weren't acquired overnight so don't expect to change your beliefs by tomorrow. However, if you stay with them in time the fruits of your labor will manifest; you will attract to you your right and perfect man. How do I know it works? It worked, that is, is working, for me!

Peace & Light! DeBora

The Secret to Getting Unstuck

2010-12-08T09:10:00.000-08:00

Woke this morning feeling stuck. I don't want to tell you this, but since it's true...I will. I realize this was only a feeling. I wasn't really stuck, I only FELT that way. I forced myself out of bed. Dressed for the 25 degree weather and went outside, to exercise. Being out in the brisk air helped. I felt invigorated and free. But once I got back home, the STUCK bug returned.

Back in the house from my run, powerwalk, jumping jacks and lunges, I read today's Science of Mind magazine message. It was spot on! Just what I needed. It encouraged, "Live your song today!" And to "Affirm that you are awake today to the truth of your essential wholeness, peace, abundance, and love. Declare that the activity of God is a dynamic and creative presence in your life right now. Live the truth of your oneness. Sense it, believe it, feel it, embody it, and sing it!" Then I sat in silence, determined to remember the truth about myself and life: I AM LIMITLESS. THERE ARE NO OBSTACLES...out there. The power is WITHIN ME to create the life of my wildest imaginings!

God spoke to me, as I sat, and told me to do two things today: Give and be Grateful. The first thing I did was call my beloved and said, "Baby, I just want you to know I appreciate you." Then instead of going straight to my office, I went to see a client, who is going to court today; she's at my other facility. She told me, with a smile on her face, "I was nervous, now I'm not. I'm glad you're going with me." My heart swelled. I could have called her but I listened to that still small voice that whispered, "Go see her. Don't call." I gave her my words, my attention, my heart as we sat together; warm feelings enveloped me. I was as blessed by her presence as she was by mine. That's the way giving works. It blesses all involved, the receiver, giver and witnesses to that giving. You see, whenever I'm cranky or feeling like I don't have enough, I remind myself that it's not what's missing (or what I think is) that's got me feeling deprived...it's what I'm not giving that's making me feel out of sorts.

So I began to count my blessings. Of course I'm still counting, since our blessing are endless. At this writing, I feel good. Like I make a difference in the world. You know what really makes me feel incredibly abundant? You! It's people, not things, that make the world go round. If no one has told you today, let me be the first: I APPRECIATE YOU! I need not know you to feel this way about you. The fact that you think enough of me and what I have to say to take the time to read my Blog warms my heart. Thank you!

Time to go now, I've got some more giving to do! And I can't wait to see how absolutely jazzed I'm going to feel doing it.

Peace & Love, DeBora

Let Go!

2010-11-30T08:56:00.000-08:00

Are you happy? Better still, does joy bubble up from within you for no reason at all except that you are here, alive? Right now, are you experiencing peace? Do you feel blessed? Are you grateful for who you are and what you have?

If you answered no to any one of those questions, why? Twenty-four hours ago I answered no. You see, what had happened was this:

Yesterday was a challenging day for me. No, I didn't get fired. Nor did my house burn down. When I spoke to my daughter after work, she was still doing fine. My friends didn't abandon me. My mother was doing fine when I called to tell her that I'd ordered her Slippery Elm online and even got it $11 less than the health store's price. My health wasn't failing, in fact I'm in excellent health. My weight is back where I like it, just under 135 lbs. My car continues to get me from A to B, without hesitation or complaints. Oh, and nobody cursed or did anything "bad" to me.

Still, yesterday was challenging for me. It was so because of my thoughts and beliefs. You see, I have told myself that if someone loves me they'll do blah, blah, blah. For sure, we all have what someone calls our own "languages of love." These are legit. For me, I feel most loved when me and those I love communicate. Talking is right up there with sex for me. And so, if me and my beloved aren't communicating--not just engaging in small talk but having heartfelt conversations, then I feel disconnected. When I feel disconnected from the man I love doubt can creep in. When doubt shows up, peace and joy go into hiding. For others, touch is their primary language of love. They need physical closeness--handholding, cuddling, lovemaking, massages--to feel loved. Actually, I count myself among them but communication is #1 for me. If me and my peeps ain't having regular heartfelt chats chances are I won't be too open for his touch.

But I digress. I had a challenging day yesterday because I allowed my thoughts and beliefs to funk up my day. Let me get real, my beloved wasn't doing things and behaving the way I wanted him to and I made it mean something. See, we're meaning makers. We attach meaning to the things that happen or don't happen in our lives. Let's say your mother, when you were a little girl, forgot to pick you up from school. Those are the facts. Because we're meaning makers we take raw data, facts, and we attach meaning to them. So, you might have concluded that because mother didn't pick you up she didn't love you. I hope by now though you realize it was you, not your mother, who decided she didn't love you. She just forgot. Remember, it was you who made that meaning up. You could have made it mean something else, like she was overwhelmed or depressed or overbooked or confused about the date you needed to be picked up.

Back to my day, challenging. I wasn't happy because my beloved didn't do some things the way I would have like him to do them. Several days ago. I started to draw conclusions. Those conclusions made me feel like crap. I lost my peace. I was miserable.

Oh but what a difference a day makes! 24 little hours! Nothing or no one outside of me has to do or be any sort of way for me to experience peace and joy. I have decided to LET GO! To let go of the belief that love has to look precisely like the picture in my head for it to really be love. I'm letting go of the myth that somebody out there has got to behave a certain way for me to be happy. If my beloved were to pack up and move to Alaska, the capacity for joy and peace remain with me...because they are in me. Not him.

Today is an easy, breezy day! Why? Because I remember from whence my peace and joy come. It comes from within. Today I don't need ANYONE to show up any sort of way for me to know joy. And let me tell you, I have a peace that surpasses all understanding! Peace is possible when we let go of needing others to be as we think they should be. Gurl, reclaim your peace!

Boundaries

2010-11-23T09:38:00.000-08:00

You'll be sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner in a couple of days. If you're like 50 million other Americans, you find Thanksgiving a stressful time. I count myself among them. I work in drug and alcohol recovery, most of these folks find turkey day difficult. For a multitude of reasons. However, you don't have to be in recovery or the child of an addict or alcoholic to have experienced the turkey getting tossed out the window. Or a fight breaking out between relatives. Or an uncomfortable silence between you and a sibling.

One reason I think holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas are so dawn challenging is because expectations for ourselves and others spike during these times. Ten months out the year, we go about attempting to spend as much time as possible with people who get us, while avoiding people who don't. Then Thanksgiving comes. It's time, this holiday says, to spend time with family. We want to cooperate. And most times we do. And yet, this is not without mixed feelings. It's not that we don't love our family, it's just that some we like and get along with while we merely tolerate others. You know, in every family there's the drama queen or king, drunk uncle, and mean-spirited sister or aunt. Still, we're expected to overlook all that and behave with civility...and even act like everything is peachy keen.

Boundaries. That word came to mind today, when a client, while I was sitting in a meeting, insisted upon talking to me about a legal matter. I'd told him before the meeting that we could talk later but he apparently had other ideas. I firmly told him, "Not now!" I don't allow people to wear shoes in my home. Just the thought of the nasty stuff that people step in being deposited onto my hardwood floors and rugs gives me the weebie jeebies. Last night my guy stopped over and refused to take his shoes off! The audacity, the unmitigated gall! LOL He does so much that makes me feel good, respected, and loved. And yet, recently he'd started greeting me in a way that made me violated. I asked him to stop. He, I think, thought I was joking. So, when it wasn't happening, I spoke to him about it. Boundaries. Mine were violated. When our boundaries are violated, we can feel it. A family member, on Thanksgiving, just may cross one of your boundaries. Unknowingly. Like my guy, he didn't know his greeting made me recoil because it made me feel like a piece of meat. None of us are mind readers. I had to tell him.

We have a right to set boundaries that honor us. While sitting in church, my guy said to me, "Can you give me some room?" I really was sitting close. Sure, I caught some feelings. But I got over them quickly with a bit of self-talk. I decided not to make it mean anything about me. He has a right to physical space that feels right to him. You have a right to physical, emotional, psychological space that feels right to you. When that relative goes too far, probing into your personal business, asking you when you gonna get a man or married, speaking to you condescendingly or disrespectfully, take a deep breath. Then handle it. You can handle boundary violations with silence, by removing yourself, or by speaking your truth with calm and dignity. At least as much dignity as you can muster under the circumstances.

Who sets your boundaries? You do, I hope. Who enforces them? You do and only you. We teach people how to treat us. Teach them to respect your boundaries by addressing, with love, violations.

Have a Happy & Honoring Thanksgiving!

The Magic in Doing What You CAN Do!

2010-11-12T09:59:00.000-08:00

I bought a house in December. There's so much I want to do to beautify the outside of it. Right now, however, it's not yet in my FOP (Financial Operating Plan) to do the major landscaping that I'm committed to doing, like getting a stone porch and Zen garden. Because I haven't been able to do the big things, what do you think I have tended to do? You guessed it, I tended to do nothing, not even the small things I COULD do! Like hang curtains, paint, hang more pictures. Even like get quotes on how much a Zen garden and stone porch cost.
Then it hit me, why not do what you CAN do now! If we want to feel abundant and live from a place of possibility it behooves us to turn our attention away from what we can't do and instead focus on and do what we CAN. I wish I could claim this brilliant way of thinking and behaving abundantly is original but one must give credit where credit is due, says my father. Doing what you CAN do is the brainchild of coach extraordinaire Kim George; she calls such a mindset Abundance Intelligence®.

When I first heard Kim talk about AI, though it's so simple it's equally as profound. Think of something you'd like to have or achieve. Maybe you'd like to write a book. Buy a house. Or start your own business. Perhaps you'd love to be a world traveller. Or lose weight or get fit. Maybe attracting a loving, trusting partner into your life is just what your heart desires. Or perhaps you'd like to transition from working for someone else into being your own boss. Whatever you want, ask yourself this question: Right now, am I doing what I CAN do to have what I want? If you're like the typical person who, for example, says you'd like to see your name on the cover of a book rather than write you only think about writing. You think about how long it'll likely take to go from having no book to publication and you quit before you start. But here's the thing, you don't have to write the entire book today, in one sitting. Let's say you write half a page every day for a year. By year end you'd have 182.50 pages! A book. Here's what you must do NOW. You must write the first word. That word becomes a sentence, that sentence a paragraph, paragraphs become pages. Doing what you CAN is living abundantly. Focusing on what you can't do at the moment because of your finances or time is a form of self-sabotage. You'll never have what you want if you continue to place your mental and physical energies there.

Another example. Let's say you'd like to attract the man of your dreams.What could you do right now? Right where you sit? If you read my blog, you know I often talk about setting intentions. You can't set an intention to have the man of your dreams if you don't even know what qualities you'd like him to possess. So, grab a pen and some paper and write down everything you want in a mate. That's what you CAN do, right now. What else could you do to attract that special someone into your life? Here's a suggestion: You can let go of the lie that what you what isn't available. That all the good ones are taken.

Here's the magic in doing what you CAN do...rather than give attention to what you can't do: What we focus on expands. So, if you're giving mental energy to what isn't, what you can't have, there isn't enough to go around thoughts then guess what you can expect? That's right, more of that. More of what you say you don't want—lack, limitation and scarcity.

Make just one phone call that scares you. Eat a piece of fruit rather than cake when your sweet tooth bites. Flirt just for the fun of it; who knows, Mr. Right might flirt back. Take a weekend trip anywhere. Contact a loan officer to find out what you'll need to be considered for a loan. While watching TV, do 25 jumping jacks and 20 crunches. Honor yourself enough to do what you love while you do what pays the bills and in time the Universe will, if this is your heart's desire, support you in doing it full time.

I'm doing what I CAN do. Yesterday I decluttered my meditation room, two ottomans, and my closet. Hung some pictures. Replaced the fire alarm. I'll be paint shopping soon. And continuing to work on my second book, Why Did He Break Up With Me? Even on the days when I don't have hours to write, I'll write anyway because every single words gets me that much closer to seeing another book with my name on the cover.

What CAN you do today, in service of your dreams? Okay, you're done here. Get to it! When you've done it, let me know how abundant and more confident you feel.

In Love & Light, DeBora

Just Intend It!

2010-11-09T13:00:00.000-08:00

More often than not, I don't know what direction I'm headed until I write the first several words. Like I do when I give a talk, I invite Spirit to give me what's for the audience that sits before me.

I'm in the throes of shedding some stuff. First, I'm losing weight. Yeepee! I'll get to the other stuff, but first let me tell you about my weight loss experience. I so love how God goes to work to bring us our hearts desires once we've set an intention. A few weeks ago I got on my friend's scale and got a wake up call. 141 pounds! My weight had never climbed higher than the 130s. I ran out the bathroom screaming, "I gotta lose some weight!" My friend said he thought I looked just fine. (Isn't that what every woman wants to hear from her man, even if he's lying?) Sure, some part of me wanted to believe him but my smarter part spoke up and said "Girl, get real. You know you gettin' fat!" I've never struggled with my weight and there's only been a few times when I thought losing one to three pounds would be a splendid idea. I take my hat off to anyone who has shed pounds in the double digits because for real for real, losing weight is more than a notion. It takes commitment, discipline, and consistency. Anywho, I figure with all the other juicy parts a woman's got for handling, there's really no need for love handles, right?

"If you want it, just intend it!" Isn't that what one of the experts in the The Secret urged us to do. I needed to do but two things: 1. eat less and at more sensible hours and 2. fire up my workout. But how do I ramp up my workout when I let go of my gym membership back in March?

Sunday, October 24 God answered my prayer. In church Sandy Woods, a personal trainer and wellness coach, announced that she'd be offering a 12-week Boot Camp starting Monday the morning. Not only was it FREE! but it was also at Lake Montebello, at the very place where I went five days a week to power walk around the lake with 5 lb weights two to four times; and at the very time. We meet Monday, Wednesday & Friday at 6:15 in the morning. One rainy morning, only the second day, I rolled over in my bed praying Sandy would call it off. This woman is a boot camp beast. "We're meeting at the pavilion" was her text. It was cold, dark and wet. Water pounded the roof of the dilapidated pavilion and poured through the holes where the roof had collapsed. In a corner five of us stretched, weight lifted, lunged, squated, curled and crunched.

If we want something different, we gotta think and be willing to do something different. I invited many to join the few of us. One young woman, who I'd just met on Friday at work, showed up! Meanwhile others find excuse after excuse for why they just can't. These are the folks who'll almost knock you down trying to get to the treadmill, in March 2011, cuz they've got a New Year's resolution to keep. LOL Well, I saw Nicole today. With a big smile on her face she said, "My body aches...but I had so much energy yesterday. I'll see you tomorrow." Now that's commitment, discipline and consistency.

I'm now 135.5! To think, I'd been power walking around that lake with my little blue weights for years, thinking I was doing something. And I was. But it had gotten old. My body was yawning at my routine. I needed to cause some muscle confusion to shed those 6 lbs. Simply put, and this applies to any area of our life where what we're doing isn't creating the results we want, I needed to get out of my comfort zone. I needed to push myself beyond easy.

The other stuff I'm losing are the piles of papers sitting on my meditation room floor and, more importantly, I'm giving up the belief that I've got to know how the Divine is going to bless me for me to relax. It's our job to set the intention and give what's before us attention then relax because it's God's business to provide the how.

Relationship Detox

2010-11-01T10:12:00.000-07:00

As some of you may know, I’m working on another book. This time about breakups. I know a lot about breaking up…because I’ve had my share of them. I also know a good bit about how to recover from a breakup so that at the end of the day I’m that much closer to being a woman who can still love herself…even if the man I’d loved no longer loves me.

Most people, upon a breakup, compulsively reach for something or somebody to ease the pain that inevitable attends a breakup. I, however, must admit this: pain is natural, suffering is optional. These days, I get that I don’t have to suffer because someone made a new choice. I don’t have to think there’s something wrong with me or that I’m not enough or good enough. No matter what your soon to be ex screams at you, about your so-called deficits, you don’t have to let his or her opinions of you be yours.

When someone we love leaves us, it hurts. In an instant, our life has changed. What now? Even when it doesn’t feel like we do, we do have a choice about how we handle ourselves and our pain. Many men and women don’t miss a beat; they immediately jump right into another relationship. Because they’ve not given their heart and emotions time to heal, into that new relationship they drag the same baggage that caused the other relationship to break down. Or, they bed hop. Or, they attempt to numb the pain with drugs and alcohol. Or, they go shopping. Or, they do all of the above or several. These, all of them, are but bandages. Like my friend Harvey said, "When a woman sleeps with a man still pining for another woman, once that pain eases...just like a used bandaid she will be discarded." Ouch!

In the alternative, we can choose to go through the pain. To feel it. All of it. See, when you cover up your pain with a body or bottle, rather than purge yourself of it you merely postpone it. Pain is sort of like taxes, you either pay now or you pay later. Either way, you pay. The sooner you pay, the easier it is on your life. People who deal with their pain live fuller, happier, more abundant lives. If you, however, want to heal thyself then I suggest that you learn how to turn within. Ernest Holmes, the founder of the Science of Mind movement, offers us what he calls Affirmative Prayer.(Research it, or visit the Spiritual Empowerment Center on 22nd & Charles Streets, Baltimore, MD, where we teach it) To AP add some meditation and journaling. It works! Do everything you can to hold yourself and your ex in the light. Nobody’s wrong. Nobody’s bad. Nobody’s flawed. BE love…and you’ll never feel you're without love.

I have a friend who’s going through a breakup. This friend has decided to heal rather than ho. He has decided to heal rather than drink and drug. “You’re purging,” I told him. “Once you’re on the other side of this pain the sun will shine from the inside,” I added. I'm so proud of my friend because I've been there done that and know what self-love it takes to detox and heal rather than ho around and get high.

It takes courage, self-love and deep commitment to do the spiritual and emotional work that grows and prospers the soul, work that ultimately leads to greater self-love and intimacy with self and others. Trust me, I know from experience...it works!

Aging is Optional

2010-10-28T12:47:00.000-07:00

It's a gorgeous day, I can hardly believe it's almost November. I give thanks for this weather, especially since for the first time in many years I've given up my gym membership and I'm working out outdoors. I've ramped up my workout, I started Sandy Woods' Boot Camp on Monday morning, at the Lake. It's amazing what a little somethin' somethin' can do for those seldom used muscles. I suppose the same thing goes for our seldom used other faculties, talents, gifts, skills. I guess it wouldn't be too trite for me to say this, "use it or lose it." Do you know Ernestine Shepherd? I see her in Druid Hill Park sometimes, en route to work. By then, she's been up and working out for about 4 hours. I stopped her once, had to tell her she was my role model. If you don't know Ernestine, she's the Baltimore woman who recently was flown to Rome where she was inducted into Guinness Book of Record for being the oldest female body builder on the planet. She's 74 years old with the body of a woman a third her age! She's in ESSENCE magazine this month, again, in her skimpy body building gear! Like what she has on in the photo here. Ernestine is proof that though turning another year older is a requirement, if you're above ground, aging is optional.

Too many people mistakenly believe they have no say about how their mind and body age. NOT so! Getting one year older doesn't have to mean you lose your juice and joy and jump. Puhlease! In fact, Ernestine didn't start working out until she was in her fifties. So, no excuses for you. Get thee booty up out that bed and work it! Watch what you put in that precious body. If you got a mate, have lots of good, hot sex. Lots of it. Sex puts a pep in your step and burn calories. Eat more fresh foods--the farmers markets have great fruits and vegetables at affordable prices. Laugh out loud, often. Have fun. Be silly. Try something new. Get comfortable with uncertainty. Relax with a good book (my book, Love Addicted, is a good read). This life isn't a dress rehearsal. It's the real thing. Go for it and Enjoy it!

Keep the Faith, Baby!

2010-10-23T15:24:00.000-07:00

I spent a lot of time this morning in my meditation room. It's a good thing I did too because I just received some disappointing news. Rather than fall apart, beat myself up, or even feel dejected I've decided to keep it moving. That's life. Stuff happen. Things don't always go as we'd like. I remember going to a book signing, given by someone I know. I'd approached this person about us working together, about me doing a signing. I'd done her a favor in the past but the favor wasn't returned. I got some feelings about that too. I prayed about it. Then God reminded me of this, "No one person, opportunity, or job is the key to your good. I got you! The Universe is immensely abundant. Opportunities are everywhere. They abound. We are to hold the vision of what we want. We set our intentions. But guess what, God's got the details. It's not for us to say who's supposed to butter our bread. Keep your head and spirit up. More good is always in the cue for you. And for me! Keep the faith, baby!

Peace & Love, DeBora

Limitless

2010-10-22T07:50:00.000-07:00

I've been busy, speaking to athletes and social work students on college campuses and doing a training in ethics for a health organization. The reason this is significant is because for the longest time I said I wanted to not only speak more but get paid to do it. At last, I'm getting paid. I intended it. I decided it was time. Time to dig deep and believe in me. Intellectually I "knew" I had skills. But on an emotional level I wasn't quite sure. I didn't really KNOW; had I really known I was capable of doing the things I'm loving to do right now they would have been showing up in my life. But no worries, we have the power to raise our consciousness and thus transform our life.

"Each one of us has that capacity to move from a limited and confining sense of identification to an expanded sense of awareness. That is what we mean by transformation." - James O'Dea

This quote came to me in an online message that I regularly receive. It captures my experience. I'm feeling more expanded, confident and capable these days. And where there's fear I'm willing to move through it rather than allow it to stop me. What changed, you might wonder. I got tired. I grew tired of not having the life I've been pining for for years. Parts of my life have been out of control, like my spending. It's not that I'd spend hundreds on Jimmy Choo sandals, instead I would just spend for the wrong reasons. Like I'd shop to feel alive, beautiful, loved. Isn't that why we buy pretty things ladies, we want to feel pretty too? We also shop to fill up those empty places in our life. Or to avoid feeling the fullness of the pain after a loss. Instead of crying we shop. And shop...and shop some more.

So, I reined in my shopping. In the last month or so I've spent less than $75 on clothes. More importantly, I'm learning to manage my finances with my eyes wide open. Just before coming here to write, something told me to call AT&T even though I just paid them yesterday. Well, I owed $39.81 on the current bill...and the due date is today! I pushed about 3 more buttons and paid it.
Here's my point, when we're out of control, like our finances are shaky, it's hard to feel confident, sexy and powerful. Oh, another spiritually savvy thing that I do (once again) is tithe. Other than helping the Spiritual Empowerment Center doors remain open, tithing helps me to feel abundant, keeps me in alignment with Truth and it works. When I give to the entity that feeds me spiritually, one that supports me in strengthening my money magnetism my cup runneth over with money making opportunities.

Life likes order. The more I get my spiritual house in order, the more I experience real change in all areas of my life...because we live from the inside out. First there's right thinking then the manifestations. I don't know about you but I am tickled that I can do this right from a comfortable chair in my home through meditation and prayer and being still.

When we believe in ourselves and the Power that created us, are willing to take risks even when our knees rattle, stand forth in our beauty and brilliance even in the face of seemingly opposition we create the life we've been dreaming of...sooner rather than later.

S-T-R-E-T-C-H

2010-10-16T04:39:00.000-07:00

I haven't written here in days. Though I'd like to write here more often, sometimes other things take precedence over blogging. I don't have anything in particular to say though much is on my mind. I thought, for a change, why not just let it flow. I tend to be a perfectionist...and sometimes that gets me in trouble, that is, it often limits me. How so, you might ask. Well, perfectionists gotta do it "right", whatever right means to their perfectionist minds. That can create problems especially when you're doing something for the first time. What's right anyway? It's one thing to desire to do a thing well but quite another to say it must be done "right." Right according to who anyway?

Of course every "curse" has it's benefits because perfectionism means I have high standards. What I'm working on is not having impossible standards. Standards that are unrealistic under the circumstances. Why so much about perfectionism? Well, I hadn't written here because all that I had on my plate wouldn't allow me, or so my perfectionism insisted, to write the perfect blog so why bother writing anything at all.

But if you're a friend of mine on Facebook, then you may have read my post re: S-T-R-E-T-C-H-I-N-G. My experience tells me this: if you're not scared from time to time, then chances are you're not s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g enough. Not taking enough risk. Not daring. Not doing the things that scares you means you're comfortable. If you're comfortable, you're not growing. If you're not growing, you're regressing. Nothing is static. Either we're expanding or we're shrinking.

So even though I haven't blogged since Monday, Monday was a big deal for me. You see, yesterday I did an ethics training for a health organization. I've never done such a training. I was scared. The best defense against fear is preparation. Oh yeah, and faith is good. But you know what they say about faith and works, one without the other is like a three legged chair. In meditation Spirit told me to "Be with it. Make friends with it." I took Spirit's advice. Rather than let my fear immobilize me I immersed myself in everything I could re: ethics and social work. Here's where I STRETCHED myself. Monday I "flexed and juggled." I cook but I'm no gourmet. But Monday I took a page from my guy's book and out did myself. I cooked a fresh pot of kale, sauteed some garlic and Swiss chard, grilled some salmon on my infamous (yeah, I meant infamous) George Foreman grill, and made a slammin' pot of 16 bean soup. I took some risks, too. From the Asian market I'd STRETCHED by buying fresh produce that I normally just stroll by on my way to my familiar green peppers, cucumbers, broccoli. Not this time. This time I added some produce that I can't even name right now. I put it all in the pot, along with some kale. Experimenting is STRETCHING. I did all that cooking AND blogged AND put together my power point presentation, which by the way, is the first time I've ever used such a visual.

Thank you Ms. Perfectinism for the high standards you push me to attain. I do appreciate you. However, I need more space to create, experiment, stretch, fumble and stumble, mess up, and even fail. Move over because I'm determined to learn how to say to myself (and others) "that's good" and "that's fine" and "that's good enough"...and mean it. Why? Because I want to do more, see more, be more.

Okay, that's enough. Good enough, right? The Baltimore Marathon is today. I'm not running in it but I know one or two people who are; people who know they don't have to come in first place to be a winner. I'm happy that God provided them with exquisite weather to run through Charm City. I, however, am headed to Druid Hill park with Michael...if we can get in there. I got on his scale last evening; at 141 lbs I'm thicker than I've ever been. I'm willing to let go of perfectionism about some things, but when it comes to my weight and wellness, er well, that's an animal of a different breed. C'mon now, let's not go too far here. LOL

Don't Believe Everything You Think

2010-10-11T07:37:00.000-07:00

Life is difficult.<> Those three words open M. Scott Peck's book, The Road Less Travelled. Is life difficult? It is. As much as I've resisted this, even with all that I know about the power of an ever evolving mind, I have decided to accept that life is difficult. And it is in this acceptance that life gets easier, for acceptance shifts our thinking about a thing. As our thinking changes, our experience also changes. When we think life is supposed to be anything that it isn't, like easy or fair, then our unfulfilled expectations and frustrations with life registers as pain.

Besides, it's not the situations, i.e., what's going on out there, that causes us pain. Rather, it's what we think about what's going on that keeps us up nights. You see, we are meaning makers. Stuff happens. Then our minds go to work giving those expressions, events and experiences meaning. Let's say your beloved says he's coming over, "I'll see you in a couple of hours," he says. Those two hours go by and there's no knock at your door. Three hours pass, still no knock. Nor has your phone rang. Ask yourself this question: What did I make that mean? Then listen for the answers. They were largely negative, weren't they? He's doing it again. He's always doing this. He's with someone else! Why does this always happens to me? I knew this wouldn't work. Now ask yourself: It is true? Can I be absolutely sure those things are true? If you would be honest with yourself, you'd have to answer "no." You can't be sure that any of that stuff that you made up is true. And yet, those thoughts have destroyed your peace. Thoughts that your mind thought!

There are horror movies living inside of us. When something happens that looks eerily familiar to something that happened in a painful past experience, our minds go to work. Only the mind isn't very creative, it reaches for one of those 60, 000 thoughts that you had last year when someone did something that you didn't like, something that felt like betrayal. I offer you what a therapist blessed me with years ago, she said, "DeBora, don't believe everything you think." But why shouldn't we believe everything we think? Well, because the mind is a cesspool; it's full of waste, poisons, and toxins that don't serve our highest and best good. The mind is the dumping ground for old tapes from painful childhoods, tapes created by unconscious, wounded other people. It's these old tapes that come on when we're triggered; they tell us we're fatally flawed and unlovable, that we're not good enough, smart enough, educated enough, pretty enough, the right height, skin color, shape, size...you fill in the blank.

Ignore your limiting, condemning thoughts. Better still, blast them with some Denials (talk back to them, denounce them) and Affirmations (affirm the truth, "I am beautiful and powerful and loved). We are much, much more than we think we are. Whatever life brings, we have the power within to meet it. You can believe this, this which comes through your mind from that "still small voice" within: You are MORE than enough...and you are deeply loved. This you can trust and believe!

Sensual Healing

2010-10-07T00:05:00.000-07:00

I can hear my friend now saying gleefully, hands clasped to her chest excitedly, "I LOVE sex!" We were attending a workshop on domestic violence. I smile now when I try to remember what in the world did sex have to do with domestic violence. Still, I appreciate my friend's position on sex (no pun intended but I like). My sisterfriend knows the importance and power of great sex. If you don't know, I'ma tell you...I'm working on a second book titled Why Did He Break Up With Me? Earlier this year, while between relationships, one Sunday I was headed home from SEC (that's where I worship, the Spiritual Empowerment Center) to write. But for some reason, the writing juices just weren't flowing. I called my sisterfriend, yeah, the same one, as I strolled through Charles Village. She's also a writer, so I knew she'd understand. I told her how stuck I was feeling, and that I needed to write but another part of me wanted something else. I knew what I was craving, some male attention. But as they say, the main cause of suffering is forgetfulness. Well, it had been awhile since I'd been up close and personal with a man and had forgotten how much a man's energy pumps me up. My friend lit up. I was dancing awfully close to one of her favorite topics, sex. Of course she had lots to say about it. She helped me remember how our creativity and sexual selves are intimately linked. Lack of sex, we agreed, was one reason so many women are stuck, uptight, er, just plain unhappy. Simply put, they ain't gettin' enough. They aren't getting enough love, touch, attention, or sex.

I relented. I'll admit, it didn't take much. Once off the phone, I dialed the ten digits of a hunk I know. He was available. He came a running. I had been enjoying an outdoor festival alone but alone wasn't what I wanted to be. My guy friend came. He told me how sexy I was. He bought me an orchid. We went around the corner to a Chinese restaurant where we had sushi. Later, back at the festival, I sat on his lap and let him kiss my neck, hold me, and tell me how beautiful I am.

I didn't need sex. What the woman in me needed was some male attention, some tender touch, some sweet talking, some adoration. That got my writing juices going. Did I write like a mad woman that evening? Actually I don't recall. But what I do remember is how whole and balanced and energized I felt. Rather than sexual healing I got myself some sensual healing. That is, my guy friend helped to balance me. My yin (receptive, passive, feminine self) and yang (masculine, active energy) could now get something done, like write.

If you know anything about chakras, those seven energy centers that everyone has, then you know the 2nd chakra, which in Sanskrit is called "Svadhisthana," means "dwelling place of the Self." The 2nd chakra is located in the lower abdomen, about an inch below the navel. The 2nd chakra is associated with creativity and procreation. It also governs emotional and sensual aspects of our lives. Passion is the emotion that's associated with the 2nd chakra. Signs that this chakra is blocked are fear of pleasure, being out of touch with one's feelings and resistance to change. That is, we're stuck.

You don't have to have sex to recharge. Just let (and I do mean let because men are waiting) somebody help you remember how desirable and delectable you are. It'll do you and your creativity a world of good.

Which Do You Want, Casual Sex or Committed Love?

2010-10-05T11:32:00.000-07:00

I read an email the other morning from someone who promises she can teach any woman how to find a phenomenal guy in just 90-days. I’ve been blessed to have already attracted a phenomenal man who I hope to stay and play with for years to come. Still, curious me who wants to know everything she can about love and relationships read on. The writer says, “The SECRET is to learn how to casually date more than one guy at a time.” Date? Who dates these days? And what does it mean to date? We are dating when we go to dinner and dancing, see a movie or attend a concert with several men…but NOT sleep with them. For several reasons Dr. Kirschner’s approach works.

You see, even as we rail against this truth, rather than enjoying it, men and women are different. Men think differently about sex than women do. I know, I know. More and more women are having casual sex. Why? Because they can...and it's what they want. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that. Except. If you want a committed relationship with a man who loves and respects you, there are some things you must be willing to do. One being, you must take your time sleeping with them.

Two things happen when a woman sleeps with a man too soon:
1. She can become too emotionally invested too soon, to the "wrong" man, and thus lose perspective and leveraging power

2. Because men love the chase and enjoy a challenge they think a woman who holds off respects herself more. Consequently, they respect and value her more.

Okay, this sounds rather old fashioned, right? Sorry, but while some things have changed other things haven’t changed so much. Oh, and did I mention that men are different from women? If you desire a committed relationship with a man you’ve got to first help him see the benefit of being committed to you. No, I’m not talking about you having something to prove. It’s just this, if a man can get all the bennies like sex, nurturing, support from you without the commitment not only will he take them but he’ll take them and never even broach the topic of commitment. That’s your job. It’s the woman’s job to say, “Hey, I really like you but I don’t have sex outside of a committed relationship.” He may buck. He may leave. Let him go. The man for you won’t leave. Secretly, his respect for you will grow. If he’s ready to be committed to anybody and you’re the kind of woman he’s looking for, bingo!

About women’s attachment. Anatomy is NOT destiny but I’m convinced that our anatomy does play a part in how different men and women treat sex and love. Here’s sex 101: A man’s member enters a woman’s body. That’s invasive, intrusive, penetrating. Our bodies receive—his fluids, his energy, his spirit. The bonding hormone, oxytocin, is released from our brains. Even if we don’t fall in love, we get attached. Our hearts open. Now we want more of him than he’s agreed to give us. And we have no one but ourselves to blame.

Women, respect your needs and desires. If you don’t, who will? If all you want is a little somethin’ somethin’ from time to time, so be it. But if you long for a loving and trusting relationship with a great guy, stand for it. By the way, although dating protects you from getting attached too soon, which puts you at a disadvantage, it's a full, fun and fantastic life that makes you compelling, sexy and great partner material.

Whose Approval You Waiting For?

2010-10-03T00:01:00.000-07:00

It's another one of those days when so much is swirling through my mind that rather than pick one thing to write about, I'll just muse on several. I was walking the back hills of Druid Hill Park this morning when a jogger ran by. For some reason the sight of him made me think about approval. Yeah, approval. Like whose approval are we waiting for to start living the life of our dreams? True power is giving ourselves the green lights to go. Besides, whoever approval you're waiting for to live fully probably doesn't even know you exist. This just in! Those who know you're waiting for their okay to act aren't ever going to give it to you. Why? Because so long as you need and wait for it they control you.

Later I see a guy friend working out on those weights that Recreations and Parks were kind enough to strategically place about DHP. He and I go way back. He ask me about my daughter. This leads to a conversation about how hard it is to parent a teenager. We walk and talk. We swap stories. He tells me this one story that opens my heart. When his now 21 year old was in the eight grade he goes to the school because she's been acting out and talking back to her mother. The principal keeps his girl under her wing. But there's this teacher who says to him, "Usually when a child acts this way she's sexually active." My friend says he busted out crying. He tells me, bending over his bike to demonstrate, that he cried so hard and loud that the teacher ran out the room for help. She returned with a male teacher who consoled him, as he assured him that there are so many other reasons why a child might act out. "Awwwww," I say, as I reach for him with a hug. We break out laughing, in solidarity and understanding of how tough it is to be a parent. Laughing he adds, "I'm laughing now but at the time..." My friend's story warmed my heart and helped me to remember that all black men haven't abandoned their children. And as quiet as it's kept some care as much for their children as we mothers do.

I work with people recovering from drugs and alcohol; I assist them with their legal issues. Today 108 of our former clients gathered in the Brown Building at MICA for their commencement ceremony. I resisted going to the graduation. A Black Writer's Guild meeting convened at the exact same time, 1 pm; I wanted to be there. Boy am I glad I went to the graduation. It was one of those times when you do the right thing for the right reason and you feel so damn good you did. Those graduates looked all bright and shiny, like someone had taken a rag to them and shined them up. It takes resiliency, tenacity, prayer and support to tame an addiction, of any kind. But the devastation caused by substance abuse is massive, to the individual, family, and community. Yeah, I was where I belonged today...standing for, supporting, hugging, and applauding men and women succeeding at staying clean and sober...one day at a time.

Emotional High Maintenance

2010-10-02T00:01:00.000-07:00

I attended the Enoch Pratt's Booklovers Breakfast back in May. During Q&A, at the mic, I got to converse with the handsome, smart and accomplished Hill Harper, this year's guest author. Lucky me, right? After my comment on his suggestion that black women date men with "potential," he looked across the room at me and asked, "What do you look for in a man?" You know a part of me wanted to say sweetly, "Can I answer that over coffee?" but instead I said after a moment of thought, "Honesty, integrity and accountability." Yes, I thought, that's a good answer.

What I didn't say but would have added had I more time to think about it, "The man for me also needs to be emotionally secure and mature." I have learned from a recent experience that the emotionally unavailable man isn't just married, drug addicted, a womanizer, a workaholic; the emotionally inaccessible can also be the emotionally insecure, unstable, or immature fellow. He's what I call Emotional High Maintenance. EHM is just another way for someone, man or woman, to be unavailable for intimacy and love.

Our emotions are powerful forces indeed. Strong, unwanted emotions drive people to abuse food and drugs, overspend, strike out violently, isolate, and succumb to depression. Cherished relationships can become strained, distant, violent, empty, contentious, cold, vindictive, or just plain unbearable all because the people in them aren't adept at self-soothing, clearing, and expressing painful emotions in healthy ways, ways that sustain and preserve their relationships.

Energy+ motion = emotion. Repressed, i.e., trapped emotions surface as dis-ease in the mind, body and spirit. We honor our emotions by telling ourselves the truth about what and how we feel. When we do this without allowing our emotions to run amok, dictate our behavior, blame others for how we feel that's emotional maturity. In fact, acknowledged feelings often need nothing more than to be felt and heard. Feelings aren't facts. Just because you feel something doesn't mean it's true. Rather, feelings are information. Anger at a mate might indicate a boundary violation, perhaps a boundary you didn't even know existed. Disappointment could mean your expectations of another are unreasonable.

Emotional health and maturity are vital to success in love, career, finances. Fly off the handle at your supervisor and next week you might be filing for unemployment. Blame your lover too many times for something he isn't doing and soon you might be sleeping alone. Spend your mortgage money on clothes and shoes and the bank will help you relocate.

It's time to grow up emotionally. Here's some ways I've found to get emotionally fit and healthy:

• Forgive, begin with your parents
• Make peace with the past then leave it behind you where it belongs
• Take full responsibility for your feelings/emotions. Express them often
• Learn to self-soothe, before you speak or act
• Practice forgiveness of self and others daily
• Own your feelings and stop blaming others for them
• Pray, meditate and journal often

Like confidence, emotional maturity is supremely sexy. It's also great for your relationships, wallet, health and career. Take good care of yourself in mind, body, and spirit and your emotional health will soar!

If you cannot find peace within yourself, you will never find it anywhere else. -Marvin Gaye

The World Has Nothing For You

2010-09-30T12:25:00.000-07:00

“Come over here,” I say to my daughter, “look at my blog.” As she peer over my right shoulder, reading it she quips, as if she really wants to understand, “Why do people blog?” Here’s why I blog. I blog for the same reason I gave birth to her, I need to give birth something that’s God put in me. I need to create, to express, to give something to the world. Chances are, this is the same reason others blog. We have got to express ourselves. It’s an imperative.

I have observed that when I went on a spending moratorium my urge to write and speak have spiked. You see, an addiction is a hunger for ecstasy, to feel alive…not just the desire to avoid pain. Our giving into that addictive urge means we feed this hunger in an unhealthy, destructive way. One day a sisterfriend whispered to me, “I need to curb my spending. I really don't need anything anyway.” I responded with an answer for us both, “Why don’t you see how you might get that same feeling in another way.” Later I took on the challenge for myself. Instead of futilely seeking a sense of aliveness, worthiness, and beauty from another pair of shoes I decided to step up my game. I decided to stop being so doggone afraid of rejection and judgment and put both feet in the game by better promoting Love Addicted, really putting myself out there as a speaker, coach, trainer and writer. Blogging is a renewed commitment to finding my authentic voice. I agree with Rev. Michael Beckwith when he said, “The world has nothing to for you, you have something for the world!”

We are creative beings. All of us. Not just some of us, all of us. You need not blog, spit poetry, belt out a song, tap dance or paint, still you’re creative. You create every time you dress in the morning, prepare a meal, decorate a room, write a letter, coach a client, give a talk, make a funky pair of earrings for me Angel. The creative impulse is as natural as breathing. All of life creates.

Our addiction to food, booze, weed, Percocet, clothes, sex, relationships loses the power to choose for us when we respond to our deepest desire, which is to give, to express our authenticity, to create. Each of us has been ordained to give something that only we can give. Our withholding these gifts show up as dis-ease, addiction, depression, cruelty, unhappiness.

What are you waiting for? Go ahead, give yourself and gifts away and watch how beautiful and alive you feel!

You Are Meant to SOAR!

2010-09-29T12:40:00.000-07:00

It's been one of those days, you know the kind. First you're up...then you're down. The winds of life are blowing you hither and thither. Actually, though the events in my day haven't all been peachy keen, like the $657.72 cellphone bill I opened, thanks to my lovely daughter, there's evidence that I'm growing. Today I'm learning better how to respond to upsetting situations, rather than react. Well, alright, I did react. Initially. I yelled to her father, "I'ma jack her up!" Had she been within arms length, who but God knows what might have happened when I saw that bill, I might have "caught a charge," to use the urban veteran criminal's term.

I couldn't help but wonder though, what am I thinking that's causing this money leakage? Just last week I paid a $516 cellphone bill. For the same child! This isn't supposed to be how my movie goes. It wasn't in the script for me to generate more money through trainings and seminars and consultancy work...only to dole it out for some frickin' phone calls and text messages!

Consciousness. Everything in our lives begin with our thoughts and beliefs. Well, before I knew it I was dialing the carrier. "How can I get a new number or some restrictions. If I can't do that, then I'll just have the phone cut off!"

If you wish to know what you think about your possibilities, take a look around at your life, at your world, at the people in it, at your finances, at your love life, at your health. If you don't like what you see, change your thinking, revamp your beliefs...and witness a "miracle."

By the time I got off the phone, I not only had tools to restrict my child's phone usage but wonderful Tiffany, without my asking, decided to see if they might be able to slash the bill down a bit. Well, there IS a God, somewhere! Thank God for trained professionals, people well equipped to deal with customers in the throes of a hissy fit, like I was. This young woman reduced my bill by $300! I was happy about the shift in my consciousness as much as I was about the smaller bill.

It's our birthright to experience abundance and prosperity in all areas of our lives. Really, it is. Go ahead, dare to believe in yourself and your possibilities. Go ahead, I dare you!

Play in the Puddles

2010-09-28T12:04:00.000-07:00

I rose before five this morning determined to walk Lake Montebello. As I drove towards it, the rain came again. I made a U-turn. Parked my car, then sat. My desire was so strong I manifested protection, a rain cape I’d bought three years ago in Harlem. I dragged it from the trunk of my car.

The Lake was empty. Only the committed showed up. I felt good about being one of them. My tattered cape flapping in the wind I made my way around the lake. Nobody else had on gear. I thought about love and relationships and how when stormy times hit lovers afraid of the “elements” either stay home in bed (cop out, run away) or don their protective wear (close down their hearts). The rain stopped. I approached my car just as a runner, finishing up, heartily greets as if to say he and I were part of an elite club, one that might be called The Endurers Club. I feel good. Looking forward to my second time around, I take off my cape and throw it into the back seat of my Passat. Then with my 5-lb weights in hand I start out again.

Well, I made a U-turn back for my cape when the rain resumed. I stuck it out though. I was “in the game” so to speak. So what sometimes you throw up your guard or shutdown or get a bit defensive when your beloved comes down on you, breaks his word, changes his mind, misbehaves, misspeaks, or just plain act out. If it’s not a tornados (a deal breaker), hang in there. Be patient with yourself…and him. Remember, we’re all works in progress.

Up ahead I see a man walking; he’s likely in his seventies. Probably retired. He’s wearing white shorts and matching tennis shoes, a colorful short sleeve shirt, wire frame shades (it’s still dark out) and a white straw hat. I think of Panama when I look at him. As I walk pass him, out the corner of my right eye I see him doing something strange. I do a double take. He’s looking for puddles of water then skipping through them! I was immediately transported back to my girlhood, when after the rain stopped and the sun came out I’d go outside, barefooted, and stomp around in the rainbowed puddles. I laughed. He laughed. Then I thanked him for making my day. And of course I thought about love…and life. I remembered how powerful we are and that we have the ability to find the joy and delight before, during and after the rain…when we stay young and supple at heart.

Love your LIFE! Run in the rain. Play in the puddles.

Forgive

2010-09-27T11:09:00.000-07:00

This evening I get to do what 85% of the American population fear more than they fear death: I get to do some public speaking. My audience? The FIRM (Friends In Recovery Maintaining) These are people fighting for their lives; they are working to stay clean and sober after decades of using substances in an attempt to alter their reality.

I asked Spirit, as I most often do when I have a talk or workshop, "What would you have me say to these people"? Well, God said, "Talk about you...and forgiveness." Forgiveness is one of my favorite topics precisely because from time to time I have such difficulty doing it. And yet I know its power. When I forgave my dad more than 25 years ago, that one pivotal act changed the course of my life. As they say, we teach what we need to learn. So as I prepared to talk about forgiveness Michael, my partner, says early this afternoon "I want to read something to you." Guess what it was about? You're so smart and insightful. Yes, forgiveness. It was about the power of forgiveness. I'm now convinced that I must be obedient to Spirit and talk about forgiveness, about how I forgave my father for not loving and protecting and providing for me in my youth. But before I do, I'll forgive the coworkers that pissed me off when they decided to yell at me. And forgive myself for momentarily forgetting I'm a professional. Hee Hee

If forgiveness was the wimp act so many people mis-take it for, more people would do it more often. It takes courage and strength to forgive. And still, I choose to forgive. Why? Because forgiveness sets ME free!

Who do you need to forgive?

Married and Oh So Miserable

2010-09-25T12:54:00.000-07:00

A friend told my guy, "I'd rather be married and miserable than single and miserable." "Huh!" I said to him in disbelief, because to look at our friend one might never have known how miserable she was nor limited she considered little of her possibilities. Where is a woman's self-esteem and faith when the only two options she can imagine for her love life both involve being miserable? In the toilet, wouldn't you say.

Life is abundant. There are no shortages, limitations or lack in the universe. All lack exist in our heads only. Our external surroundings, that is, our life, reflect our beliefs, which are but well entrenched thoughts.

Oh, but it's not only sisters who have given up on love. Last night I ran into a neighbor, a guy, in Walmart. As we were about to part I asked, "Are you in a relationship now?" As his smile turned into a frown he growled, "No, I don't have time for the..." You fill in the blank. He went on to say he couldn't find a good woman, that there aren't any good women "out there." It didn't take long for me to read him: He's angry, bitter and afraid. I could very well be wrong but I sensed that the women he wants don't want him, and he's not happy about that. And a long time ago some woman broke his heart. But that's no reason to trash ALL women, now is it? Just like one bad apple don't spoil the whole barrel, right. Here's the skinny on love and attraction. We attract who we are. If I'm resentful and bitter guess who I will attract? People who are like me, people who will prove me right. Get M.A.D. Get Mastery, Authority and Dominion over your thoughts. Study, to use one of my dad's words, only what you wish to create. Also, clean your act up by forgiving yourself and others. Then stand back and marvel at your new life. Everything you deeply desire is possible for you...if you but believe.

What limiting beliefs are keeping you repeating destructive patterns? And are you willing to let them go?

Still, Dark and Clear Waters

2010-09-24T12:04:00.000-07:00

The other day, while walking around the lake I was struck by how clearly I could see the sky and surroundings in the water. The water was dark and clear and still. It occurred to me that when that same water is moving, nothing is reflected in it. We're like water. When we stand still, stop running from each other, we can see ourselves reflected back to us in the people we love.

What would you see if you'd stop running away whenever your relationship got turbulent? Stand still and see.

You Love Him But Don't Like Him?

2010-09-22T11:22:00.000-07:00

I'm fascinated by love relationships. Why, you may wonder. Well, it's my calling to explore love and relationships. I like exploring what makes them work...and what breaks them down. Because it is my calling to explore intimate relationships, I've gathered a whole lot of experience by being in my share of them. And you know what, I have no regrets because every relationship I had has prepared me for the juicy, succulent one I'm in today.

Some people don't believe we all have a soulmate, but I do. Only I don't think we have just one soulmate, I think we have many. Most of them aren't even love interests but family, friends, children, even coworkers and "strangers." I've been with a man or two who I believed were my soulmate and we still broke up. Just because a relationship ends, even badly, doesn't mean that person wasn't a soulmate or right for you. For me, a soulmate is simply someone who feels like they belong with me, like our hearts and souls are intimately linked because we have "reunited." To use medical intuitive Caroline Myss's word, someone I call a soulmate feel I feel more "animated" with him; the relationship feels supremely blessed. A word about who's right for us. I believe whoever you choose to love is right for you at the time y'all were together. There's no such thing, in my opinion, of the wrong man. He may have been a nuckleheaded emotional nightmare who lied and cheated on you, and still at the time he graced your life he was right for you. Something in you attracted this one to you, for a reason. Some part of your soul needed to experience something with this individual, for it to evolve. You got to learn something about yourself, about life, about what you want and don't want. About what you will tolerate, what you deserve. You learned something, or were suppose to.

Well, I'm thankful to have attracted a man who I not only love but like. I realized a few relationships ago that no matter how much I love (or think you do) a man, if I don't like him much my patience with his a** will run out faster than the air leaks out of a birthday balloon. Then I'll be wondering what did I see in this fellow. If I start down this path, I'm on the road to losing respect for him. No respect, no love. Then the next thing you know, like Chrisette Michelle sings, I'm done done done.

If you've read my most recent posts, then you know as of late I'm into lists. So, here's a list of things I'm learning about creating and sustaining love that I get to practice (yup, I mean practice) with my beloved:

You must like your beloved as much as you love him (I know I said this already, but it's worth repeating)

Those who laugh together, stay together...longer and are happier

Laughter is a balm that mends and heals when nothing else works

The lovemaking gotta be good...for you both

Equally yoked means you like and want many of the same things and have similar worldviews

Men want the same things women want though they may look different--love, respect, intimacy, fun, support...

If your partner can't talk to you, he'll talk about you to someone else

To communicate is to give voice to your feelings

Sharing your feelings may be scary because it makes you feel naked and vulnerable but that's what love demands of us

And did I mention you gotta like him?

Love is like a plant, if you don't tend to it properly it will wither and die. Start with the basics, like him, listen to him, talk to him, kiss and hug and sex him up. When he hurts your feelings, lovingly tell him what you really feel. Risk being vulnerable. Don't tolerate abuse just know that hurt is behind his angry outburst, shutdowns and shutouts. Forgive, laugh, do dinner and dancing. Love is possible for us when we tend to self and others with a bit of tender loving care.

Why He Demands Too Damn Much

2010-09-21T14:14:00.000-07:00

What do men want from women, really? Once upon a time when I was needy and clingy I thought if I'd heal this tendency to be a pain in the butt my intimate relationships with men would be transformed. Not in everyway but at least men would applaud my independence because I would place fewer demands on them. You see, when we're emotionally self-sufficient we're lots more fun to be with because we're not demanding that someone else take care of us. And you might know how exhausting it is to take care of another so-called grown up.

So, I'd "worked" all my life to create a life I love. Though there are surely some areas of my life that could be better, like I'm still working on my first million, overall I like my life. There's a stack of interesting books just waiting for my attention. I love reading and the very thought of a good book makes me salivate. I exercise. Not in a gym anymore though. I wanted to see how fit I could be on my own so I walk Lake Montebello 5-6 times a week with 5 lb weights. Jump rope. Do the wheel, sit ups and look forward to sweating like a piglet when I start doing bikram yoga soon. I'm a mother; I enjoy my daughter. She needs me too. Soon she'll be gone to college. Boo Hoo. I'm also a daughter. Mom's 88. I drive her to church on the Sundays she feels up to going. Weekdays I spend assisting recovering folks with their legal issues. God, please make my next book a bestseller! The clients are great, if you know what I mean.

Back to men. What in God's name do they want from us? Why don't they get that a woman can love them madly and yet NOT wish to spend every waking hour with them? Why is it so hard for men to appreciate that a woman can actually LIKE her life enough to want to keep living it rather than rush to trade it in for another life? His life.

Male Privilege. That's what my friend Ian calls it. I remember reading about male privilege when I was in college. Back then the word "white" was often in front of "male privilege." But trust and believe this, black men also benefit from male privilege. "Male privilege," Ian says, "is a dis-ease." It ruined all of his relationships, he says. He was abusive, emotionally, to every woman he was involved with. What does male privilege look like? A few examples. It's male privilege at work...

1. when a man thinks and acts as if a woman's fundamental reason for being on the planet is to serve his needs
2. when a man talks over and interrupts a woman in a conversation
3. when a man is given credit for articulating an idea that a woman had already offered
4. when a man demands that a woman be at his beck and call
5. when a man seeks to control a woman by telling her what to wear, where to go, when to speak, who to socialize with, what to do with her time
6. when a man assumes because he has a penis he's smarter than any woman
7. when a man misuses his physical stature and deeper voice in a threatening way to get his point across
8. when a man doesn't listen to a woman
9. when a man doesn't value a woman's time, priorities, commitments, goals, vision for her life
10. when a man insist that "his" woman accompany him to places that matter to him while refusing to accompany her to places and events that matter to her
10. when a man rapes, gang rape, molests and sexually violate women and children
11. when a man slaps, punches, kicks, spits on, and kills a woman...he claims to love
12. when a man is encouraged and even praised for having a harem of women

It isn't that men are bad. No, not at all. Out of touch with the time and the need for a change, yes. Bad, no. And too many of them are oblivious to the impact that their chauvinism (male privilege) has on them, their intimate relationships, families, communities. More and more women are making a living and name for themselves. These women love their life...and would love to share it with a good and loving man. But the chauvinistic man demands too damn much. Like I told my buddy Ian, "A man is not my life...nor is he my God!" And yet, he is loved.

Why Black Women Hate Black Men

2010-09-15T12:20:00.000-07:00

Earlier today I was talking to a guy friend of mine who's going through a break up. He admits, "It hurts." One day he's proudly doing well, emotionally speaking. Another day he snaps, "Man, I give up. I'm tired of relationships. I just give up!" He's lying. He ain't throwing in the towel on love. He's told me more than once, "Man, I don't want to be like my father, he died young and alone. "

Anyway, we talk often, lot's of time it's about love and relationships. One of my favorite topics. Sometimes I'm his relationship coach, other times I'm "just" his friend. Today he says, "DeBora, do you know how many women your age hate men? Do you? So many women give up on love. They might act like they don't hate men, but they do. You need to write a book about how you have managed to keep your heart open...even after being hurt so many times." He knows my story. I've known rivers... Well, I remind him, "I am writing a book...and it's about breakups." Yeah, that's what Why Did He Break Up With Me? is all about.

Yeah, I've been left broken hearted more times than I care to share. But never have I, at least not for long, given up on love and men. Except for that time back in 1999. I remember hating men, specifically black men. Though 1999 stands out, I'm sure my hatred wasn't confined to just one year. Still, 1999 was a pivotal year. It was the year that I can remember how bitterly I hated brothers. So many toxic sterotypical thoughts and beliefs about brothers rolled around in my head, and of course my experience. Poor me. Hate can kill you, you know. Here's a shameless plug: I write about how I felt about brothers in my first book, Love Addicted. And about how I finally woke up, forgave them and forgave myself. You can buy a copy (or two) from http://www.deboraricks.com/ Okay, end of ad.

So here's where I'm going with this. As I was saying, my guy friend, who I'll call Ian, applauds my resiliency and asks me, "How do you do that, how do you keep your heart open after being hurt so many times?" Here's my secret. Feel free to take notes.

1. When a man left me, I'd sit in my favorite spot on my queen size bed and cry my heart out...if that's how I felt.
2. While sitting and crying, I'd pray. This would be my prayer, "God, deliver me." Just three little words.
3. You've heard of the Resurrection, right? Well, in three days my spirit would resurrect.
4. I journal. Been journaling since 1985. Journaling helps me see my part in the demise of the relationship.
5. I repeat, I get to see my part in the demise of the relationship.
6. I remember that I'm lovable, no matter the man's choice. I AM lovable.
7. I forgive. Forgiveness is a process. I forgive me and him. Then I EXPECT love to find me AGAIN! And it does.

So many women are angry and bitter not because they have been hurt; they're angry and bitter and resentful because they don't take responsibility for themselves, for their part, but instead blame the man for what happened to them. If a man mistreats you, abuses you, batters you with fist or words and you tolerate it, you not only invited him into your life but you've permitted him to camp out there. You have the power to evict anyone who doesn't love you good and right. Then forgive him...and you. He's not villain and you're not a victim. Your forgiveness cleans the slate, which allows something new to show up. When we don't forgive it turns into resentment and hate. That's why so many women, especially black women, hate men. Oh, and learn something from your experience. Take the wisdom with you to your next adventure in love.

Your Tantrum Throwing Wounded Self

2010-09-14T14:59:00.000-07:00

Something is always coursing through my mind, not keeping me up at nights but certainly a recurring theme in many of my conversations, with both friends and strangers. As i observe myself in my relationship with my beloved, watch a couple I know go through a break up, and talk to people about life, one thing that I know for sure is that all of us, both women AND men, have unresolved childhood issues that come up when we get scared. And we know one of the things that scares us most is either the loss or even threat of loss, imagined or real, of a cherished love relationship. Whether that relationship is sailing on life's waters smoothly or we have just entered another storm, when it looks as if we are about to lose someone we adore our little wounded self gets triggered. She gets scared.

So, I've decided that that little girl fearful of abandonment because her daddy emotionally abandoned and abused her decades ago will likely always be with me. Sure, I've healed a lot over the many years through prayer, meditation, self-love, trial and error in relationships, therapy, self-help groups, being a part of a loving spiritual community and having a circle of women and men friends who accept me just as I am. And still, my little girl lives on. And boy, can she tremble and shake when it looks like she's about to be left by a man she loves. Only now, instead of letting her convince me that it's better that I run for the hills to show him that I, no, she can make it with or without him, I, DeBora, talks to her. I talk some sense into her. I also console her. In other words, I've learned to self-soothe. When that isn't enough, I call a sisterfriend. I also talk to my man. Can you believe it, but I actually tell him how I feel, that I'm scared...without making him wrong. Well, I do my level best, to use one of my dad's favorite terms. Yes, I communicate my true feelings. I give my little girl a voice. Because sometimes all she's asking me to do is to say what she needs to say...and be heard is good too.

What scares you? And what do you do when you're afraid? Do you attack? Run? Cry? Talk? Could you learn some new ways to take care of your wounded little self? Do share.

Who's Worthy of Abundance?

2009-08-22T11:32:00.000-07:00

A response to one of my Facebook post disturbed me. I asked my FB family to check out my website, to buy my book, to book me for a talk, to comment on my blog. You see, I hadn't been on FB in awhile. I can no longer access it during the day, while on my day gig. And I've chosen not to have the Internet at home. It's a teen and technology disaster waiting to happen. Already my daughter spends way too much time texting her many friends, watching movies and hanging out on her MAC. In any event, I asked for support. After several weeks of not posting a status, I asked for what I wanted. Hence, someone decided that perhaps my motive for getting back on FB was to sell her something, as if somehow that would have been the wrong reason for logging on. Truth is, every single person on FB is there for something. The ones not promoting themselves, their services, their products are there pushing their thoughts and way of life.

Well, the next morning while showering I attempted to map out my FB response. I'd say this. No, I'd say that. By the time I'd stepped out the shower and dried off, I'd decided that no response would be the best response. You see, this person's comment said more about her than it did about me. And yet, interestingly, her words also gave me insight into me. Because her words ticked me off a bit, that told me that her words were a reflection of thoughts I apparently held. Her comment then was an out-picturing of my own doubts. I must, on some level, doubt that I am worthy of others spending their money on me, on my book. Later, in a conversation with a good sistafriend, I got even clearer.

When a Target commercial airs on TV, I doubt that anyone takes offense to their asking them to "come in, shop with us, buy a lamp, dress, and maybe some pots and pans with us." Jiffy Lube gets to ask us to stop by for an oil change without anyone, unless you had a bad experience with them, suggesting that JL has no right to ask for your Benjamins. But let someone who looks like you, your peer, your friend, your family ask you to spend your dollars with them and watch what you think, observe if you make that person arrogant or wrong for that. But why is that? It's because we've been sufficiently duped into believing that some people/groups deserve abundance and prosperity while other people/groups...ummm...not so much.

I am learning a valuable lesson here and that is, I haven't been asking for enough! And what does the Bible say, "You have not because you ask not!" Well, I'm just getting started. I deserve to have all the money I can spend and share and spare. And so do you!

Let no one shame you about your asking for what you want. Whether you're asking someone to spend some of their money on you, your products or services or simply asking them to spend more time with you. You have every right to ask. And sure, they have the right to say no.

Know this, you are worthy of all the money you can spend, share and spare! If you don't have it, maybe it's because you're not asking for it. Ask!

Loving in These Down Low Times

2009-08-21T14:00:00.000-07:00

As difficult as it is to accept this fact, accept it I must: these are challenging times to be single and "searching." Searching is in quotes because I have ceased to search, now I attract, magnetize. But that just sounds modern, like the title of a magazine article, don't you think? In any event, I met a fellow--tall, dark, and handsome. The whole nine yards. Progressive, disciplined, well-read, sexy, and a wonderful conversationalist. And did I say tall? Anyway, our relationship started as a business relationship. He paid me well to work with him on a project. Things went swimmingly. Eventually. Actually, there was one little hiccup. We however faced it. Resolved it and got back down to business. After months of working together, our business together was done. I'd been feeling him since day one, from the time I saw him at a personal development workshop. Maybe I'm easily impressed but that impressed me. I like a man who is committed to personal and spiritual growth. I find it sexy for sure. Sure, I wanted to make money. But when I'd first eyed this sexy specimen, I had no idea he needed someone with my skills. So when our project ended, I was hoping to get to know him better. I stepped outside my box, and told him I was interested.

That was by far the briefest, but most intense "relationship" that I've ever had. I liked the guy but I'm no longer desperate. So when he froze and asked that we put some space in our togetherness, I quietly retreated. Maybe not so quietly, if you ask my friend Zee. But I did respect his wishes. Even if I like a guy, if he ain't feeling me, then he can keep it moving. "Desperate DeBora" is no longer my pet name. So, we moved on, down two different streets. Then one day he showed up at my "church." It happened to be the Sunday when I went gushing to the podium to share how Spirit had blessed me to meet someone online, a man I adored. Unbeknownst to me, Mr. Sexy was in the house. Well, something about my no longer being on the market intrigued him. (Red flag #3) Since I was still single, a couple of weeks later we went out for drinks. That kicked off an interesting friendship. From time to time we'd get together for great conversation, dinner and wine. But something was awry. You see, we women have been blessed with a sixth sense, it's called intuition. We're often tempted to ignore it, still it's there to serve our highest and best good.

I intuited that Mr. Sexy had a secret. What red-blooded man spends three to six months with a sexy woman, meaning me, who he claims he found attractive and don't make one teeny weenie pass at her? Actually, he'd told me who he when he told me that he read E. Lynn Harris's books and when he said "I'm curious about those relationships." Well, now. Hairs on the back of my neck sprang up as I filed that statement away into my computer. And what did Maya Angelou tell us, "When someone tells you who they are, believe them...the first time." I never said I wasn't sometimes hard-headed.

One time Mr. Sexy left me a voice mail message asking me to think about going away with him. I didn't have to think about it. No. I wasn't about to sleep with this man until he answered some questions that I had. I haven't told you every reason why I had my suspicion. But here's another, he bragged that he has more than a dozen close male friends. But zero close female friends. Red Flag # 15. I learned this after I'd finally mustered up the nerve to ask him what had he meant when he said he was "curious about" the kinds of relationships that E. Lynn wrote about. (Past tense because, as you may know, E. Lynn passed away today. God bless his soul). Anyway, his explanation was dumb. Just plain stupid. Not even believable, based on what I know about men. He said, "I'm curious about a lot of things." Well, the average man that I know ain't about to say he's curious about sexing it up with another man, unless he is.

Red Flag #21, boyfriend soon disappeared, without a trace, once I broached the question of his sexual orientation. Which is even more proof, to my way of thinking, that I was spot on about him. Now, don't get me wrong. I have no problems with a man choosing to sleep with men. Just don't do it at the expense of women, while you hold yourself out as a straight man. Either a man is gay or he's straight. No in betweens. No exceptions. Forget what J.L. King, Mr. Down Low himself, says. He's in deep denial. Men who sleep with other men are gay. Enough said!

I'm so proud of me, that was one time when I listened to my intuition, loved me enough not to forge ahead foolishly just because Mr. Sexy seemed to be just my flava. Turns out, he wasn't. My flava is all that he was AND straight.

"I love you," was the last thing I said to him. And I do. I love him no matter who he chooses to sleep with. Am I in love with him? No. Not anymore. One reason, so Down Low brothas say, they creep to sleep with other men is because the black community is horribly homophobic. It's true. And still I hold them responsible for the choices that THEY make. Even as I keep working at loving them...as my brothers.

Strung Out on Love

2009-08-21T13:21:00.000-07:00

I met a guy, let's call him Adiki "in the rooms" of a 12-step program. He was a recovering drug addict.Yes, an intravenous drug user. I was fresh out of my brief and rocky marriage and alone for the first time in years. I didn't do alone very well. No, I didn't do alone, period. So when Adiki appeared, looking all hunky, sexy, and hungry for me and treating me like I'd fallen from heaven, I jumped feet first into a relationship with him. No questions asked. I was a 12-stepper, too. I attended ACOA, short for Adult Children of Alcoholics. My parents weren't drunks. Shucks, they didn't even take the occasional nip. They were religious folks, Pentecostal. Dysfunctional, you know. Too religious. Yeah, you can be too anything. Church came before EVERYTHING, including school. That's too religious when you keep kids up 'til 11 and 12 on school nights. So I was co-dependent. That means I acted like the man I was with was me. I worked on him instead of taking care of myself. I started hearing a voice. "This man is dangerous," it whispered. I ignored it. Kept going to meetings for folks addicted to people...and kept on using. That is, I kept right on jeopardizing my well being to have a man. The voice grew louder, more persistent. Danger! Danger! Danger! It bellowed. We both were strung out. I was Adiki's new drug of choice. Heroin was out, I was in. He was new in recovery and breaking one of their cardinal rules to not get in a relationship the first year in Narcotics Anonymous. Why? Because when the drug addict or alcoholic puts down the needle or bottle that compulsion to mask the pain doesn't evaporate. Instead, that pain seeks another outlet. It could be a substance, activity or another human being. It hardly matters, so long as the addict finds something that helps him escape those thoughts and feelings he's been avoiding all those years of drinking and drugging. Me and Adiki loved making love, so we did it often. It seems, especially to, uh, New Age music. Sometimes with a condom, sometimes not. The voice kept whispering and warning me to take care of DeBora. I knew my intuition was trying to save me, either from HIV infection or from a black eye. You see, Adiki had confessed that he'd hit a woman or two in his using days.

Adiki was an emotional vampire. One day he showed up at my apartment, leaning against the hall wall as if he'd just completed a marathon, he pants breathlessly, "I quit my job." So MY boyfriend is a bona-fide loser--he had no car, no place (he lived with his parents, I believe in their basement), and now no damn job. On top of that, he was given to being depressed, I guess about how much of his life he'd wasted. I started praying, for a better man, really. Remember, I too was an addict and being alone was NOT an option. My answered prayer came to court one day, on the day I'd decided to accompany the attorney I worked with to court, to assist with the big caseload. I dumped Adiki, for my more accomplished, powerful man. Yes, I wanted what I wanted and I didn't want no man who couldn't handle his bizness. I got into law school, with the help of my new man. I was moving right on up. Then I heard through the grapevine that Adiki was HIV positive. No, he never called. My world folded. In my first year of making a childhood dream come true and to think I might not live to graduate. I got tested. Nine hellish days later, in total silence my new guy drove me and my sister Ayo to the Red Cross for the results.

Me and my sister went in while Adam waited in the car. Me and Ayo sat looking at the woman across from us, working to brace ourselves for the worst even as we hoped, no, prayed for the best. The woman says slowly as she looks directly at me, "Your results were negative." Ayo and I leapt to our feet, into each other's arms, tears flying everywhere.

That was the late eighties. You know how we do when we're scared and we know it's in God's hands because there ain't a thing we can do, at this point, anyway. Well, I promised God that if S/He made sure I was HIV negative then somehow I would make a difference when it came to this disease. More than twenty years later, at last, I'm ready to keep my promise. The first thing I feel I must do is to open my big mouth and tell the truth about my life, about LIFE. I'm not sure what that'll look like but this blog piece is a beginning. At least I've spoken the truth. Though I'm starting with this story on HIV, I'm just getting warmed up. As activist/poet Audre Lorde so aptly put it, "Your silence will not save you." And so, don't you think it is time to break the silence. I do. It's time to speak up and...say what you need to say!