I'm preparing to facilitate a relationship event on black love for Associated Black Charities. Because I expect the audience to be in their twenties and thirties, educated, and professional I decided to ask YouTube "what do young black women want in a man?" and "what do young black men want in a woman?" Largely, what I got saddened me. It wasn't as if I didn't know there is a chasm between black men and women, but I'd somehow forgotten how ugly we feel and think about each other. Certainly not all of us, but way too many of us just aren't getting along.
Of course we know 70% of black women are single. Of that number, 42% have never been married. It's said that 67% of black women have babies out of wedlock. These are the numbers. But what troubles me more is what the numbers point to, that black men and women seem to hate each other. I'm struck by how many brothers despise black women. How so many sisters feel overlooked and rejected by black men. How so many black men feel utterly disrespected by black women.
I think we're the only race of people that hate each other. That throw each other away. Black people are the only race of people that repeatedly remind the other gender that "I don't like you. I don't love you. I don't think you're beautiful. I don't respect you. I don't want you. I don't need you." That is, You Simply Aren't Good Enough For Me, So I'm Done with You!" Ouch! What are we thinking? Please people, it's time to stop pointing the finger out there at your sister, at your brother and take responsibility for the state of our unions.
It's not ALL black men's "fault" that they turn to white and Asian women for companionship. It's not ALL black women's "fault" that after Barack Obama and Denzel Washington got married we decided that there are now no more good black men. C'mon people, let's take responsibility for how we see, think about, and treat each other. Sisters, you can't bad mouth black men with your sisterfriends all day Tuesday then expect to attract a quality man at Sunday worship. Brothers, you can't abandon your baby mama to raise the children alone, don't pay child support, treat sisters with disregard, disrespect and disdain then expect black women to feel safe with you, respect you, submit to you. Sisters, you can't be hard and harsh with brothers and expect them to be manly men with you. There can only be one man in the relationship, it ought not be you! Brothers, you can't expect a woman to surrender to you, to listen to you, to follow your lead if you don't make it abundantly clear that a sister can count on you when the river gets choppy and dangerous.
Hate has never healed ANYTHING! It's time to FORGIVE! Yes, forgive. See, black men need to forgive black women for making it through slavery, the Jim Crow era, and some more tough times with our heads held high knowing in too many cases you abandoned black women and children to fend for themselves. And while you're at it, forgive YOURSELVES for all the ways you think you let you, your children, your women, your mamas, your families, and your communities down. Forgive and live in the present moment.
Sisters, let's forgive our brothers for all the ways they left us when we needed them most. Let's forgive our brothers for all the ways they have burned, betrayed, hurt, and rejected us. They truly did the best they knew how. Let's forgive ourselves for sometimes being too independent, for being more man than our men, for all the times we told and showed our men "I don't need you!" For being harsh and hard and disrespectful. Let's forgive ourselves for forgetting that we are One with All of humanity, black men included. Let's forgive ourselves for sometimes pushing our men away, for denying them the space to BE men. Yes, some sisters are emasculating. Angry. Hard. Mean. Harsh. Disrespectful. Sister, even if you feel justified in being all these things aren't you sick and tired of being miserable? Let us FORGIVE. And LOVE each other. Let's start NOW!
DeBora M. Ricks
Author of Love Addicted: One Woman's Spiritual Journey through Emotional Dependency and the upcoming Why Did He Break Up With Me? Lessons in Love, Loss & Letting Go.
Website: www.DeBoraRicks.com
410.599.2131
For more information on the ABC Relationship event on Black Love, go to my Facebook page.
it takes time it truely takes time.to have married out of my race it had nothing to do with hatred or disrespect,it was of out love and who i am attracted to.however,i am attracted to all races,some more then others,but men in general is why i have the attitude mention above as they are all full of it and their selfish.but ive also learned to try not to group them in all together and give each individual a shot.but they too have to learn all women arent out for their money or sluts period.we just need to take our time and maybe as one respects another u pass it along and it grows.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment "Anonymous." Love, relationship and marriage are rich and sometimes complicated matters. Yes, respect each other and self transforms our relationships. Regarding your statement "men in general is why i have the attitude mention above as they are all full of it and their selfish" I offer you this, change your thoughts about men and you change your experience with them. All men aren't selfish, no more than all women are gold diggers. How we see and experience people is largely not about who they really are but about who we perceive them to be. Problem is, largely we don't know them well enough to conclude the things we do about them. Rather, we decide who they are based on somebody who hurt, betrayed, left us.
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