Emotional Vampires SUCK!

There are a multitude of reasons why people get dumped. In my humble opinion, one justifiable reason to dump someone is this:  They're an Emotional Vampire! 

First, I confess, once upon a time I was an Emotional Vampire.  Yup. I'd leap into a relationship with a man fully expecting him to fill me up, validate me, make me happy and hopefully more confident and complete. Of course, it didn't work. Though for sure one or two of these wannabes super heroes tried valiantly to fill my leaky bucket, it never happened. Why? Because it's an impossibility. Nobody has the power to make us feel complete, happy, or whole. Neither can they validate us. Finally, one day I decided it was high time I stopped looking out there for a sense of wholeness, completion and confidence and instead find ways to make myself feel confident and complete. 

Further down in this piece I share some of the things I did to get my head on straight. 

As I grew emotionally healthier, an interesting thing started to happen. I started getting involved with emotional vampires. No, that's not what happened. I'd always attracted emotional vampires...only now did I recognize these men's behavior as neediness. 

Before I go any further, let me share my definition of an Emotional Vampire. An EV is a person who sucks you dry with their needs and demands. Instead of coming into the relationships hoping to give, they come with their leaky buckets, hoping to get. In other words, they come filled with needs and wants. Well, they drop their basket of needs into your lap, BOOM, look over at you and demand that you fill them, fix them, make them FEEL good about themselves and their life. Here's how you spot an EV: They are chronic complainers and whiners. "Your dress is too long. You don't love me. You don't respect me. You don't think of me. You don't tell me you love me anymore. You don't listen to me. You don't consider me. You don't call. We don't spend enough time together. The tea is too hot. The waiter is slow. You always..." Whine, whine, whine, whine, whine! Pay attention, because it's always something that you're doing to them or aren't doing for them. One guy I desperately tried to love whined so much that I got in the habit of carrying a package of Kraft cheddar cheese and saltines crackers in my purse whenever we went out.  Okay, okay, I exaggerate. But just a little.  This dude could find no satisfaction in ANYTHING. It wasn't long before I showed his a#% to the door. 

Oh, Emotional Vampires complain so much because they see themselves as victims. Their false sense of entitlement make them think the world owes them something. If they're an "old school man," their woman ought to cater to their every wish and whim. They're also afraid. Afraid of assuming responsibility for their own life and destiny, so they waste their life force on complaining. It's an avoidance mechanism. Avoidance of what, you might ask. Avoidance of the courage and work that it takes to make their life all that they desire it to be. 

Another fellow I was seeing was giving, fun, and supportive when we first got together. At least his Representative was. Then he showed up and started complaining about everything! "You don't spend enough time with me.  You don't call me every morning to say 'I love you' like the other woman I was with. (If she was so loving and perfect, where was she? Why was he with me? Uh, that's another blog.) All you want is sex. You call your daughter too much. You work too much. You, you, you, you, you..."   Dracula even resented the time I spent with my child! 

Like vampires, needy people suck! 

And they're nearly impossible to live with and love...because their demands and drama overwhelm you. 

So, here's my advice to you: Don't be one of them! Let me tell you how.

• Listen, don't nobody owe you a damn thing. Know that. So, appreciate everything someone, even your Beloved, does, gives, shares with you.
• Assume responsibility for your own life and happiness and sense of wholeness.
• Don't look to your relationship for your identity.
• Don't seek validation from your man or woman. The more you need it, the less they're inclined to give it to you. Validate yourself! They'll catch once you get that it's your job to raise your self-esteem, not theirs. 
• Live a well-rounded life. Don't make your mate the only source of joy, juiciness, and adventure in your life. Read. Travel. Live your purpose. Stay connected to your friends and family. Write a book. Skydive. Dance. Take classes. Go back to school. Find a loving, supportive, fun community. 
• Last but probably the most important, forgive your mama, daddy, siblings, uncles, aunts, grandpa, nana, self and anybody else whose negative voice is on repeat in your head. 

Why do I say forgive? Emotionally needy people are looking for the mommy and daddy they never had. Though they think nobody notices, they treat their man or woman like they're daddy and mommy. 

Yes unconditional love is a beautiful thing. But let's be real, we ain't there yet. Mommy and daddy were supposed to love us unconditionally. Few did. Now so many people are all jacked up inside, and desperately seeking someone else's love and approval so they can feel good. Sorry, it ain't gonna happen. Make yourself feel good. Approve of yourself. Love yourself. Then the whole world will love and approve of you. As for those in the world who ignores, doesn't notice, don't like or support or applaud you, to them you'll be able to say, "So what!"

Smooches!
DeBora

DeBora M. Ricks
Speaker/Author/Writing Coach & Consultant
Author of Love Addicted: One Woman's Spiritual Journey through Emotional Dependency
and the upcoming book, Why Did He Break Up With Me? Lessons in Love, Loss and Letting Go 
Click here to buy an autographed copy of Love Addicted!
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