Be Delicious. Be Irresistible to Men

Wrapped in each other’s arms, fully clothed, I ran my hands up and down his hard back. He rose up, looked me in the eyes and said, “You make me feel like a man. You make me glad to be a man.”

He’d said that before. Many times. I understood.  I knew what I was doing. It was intentional. I’ve not always known how to do that, but now I do.

Do you know how to make a man feel like a man? Maybe you don’t. Maybe you’ve forgotten, or never knew. But here are a few of my secrets for making a man glad he’s a man.

1.     Like or Leave ‘Em Alone – Truth is, a bunch of women don’t like men. Sure, they insist that they’d like to have a good man in their life, one they can share their days and nights with but they don’t even LIKE men as a species. Women who LIKE men, as people, as company, around them, are irresistible to men. Men love us. Why? Well, don’t you prefer to be around people that LIKE you, versus people that don’t? I thought so. 

2.     Don’t Throw Them Back – Many of you think every good-looking, nice smelling, smiling dude that crosses your path MUST be The One. Because your thinking about men is skewed you tend to treat all the not The One like they're useless. So you throw back the “fish” that don’t want to marry or commit to you. Tsk Tsk! Men are people too, in case you haven’t notice. And if you like them and appreciate the beautiful masculine energy, friendship, care, and fun that they can bring to your life then you wouldn’t throw so many of them away because they aren’t altar interested or ready. Delight in men, make them your friends, homies, and confidantes.  

3.     Be Delicious – Be sweet. Be sassy. Be alluring. Be yielding. Be coy. Be playful. Be fun. Be loving. Be tender. Be kind. Be a WOMAN. If you’re angry at men, as a group, you’re going to have a hard time being these things. So, it’s time to STOP being angry. Heal your daddy issues so you can stop blaming ALL men for your relationship woes. A healed woman who loves being a woman has magical powers. I speak from experience. I can get right in a man’s head, know precisely what he desires and needs, and deliver that. If you fully embrace being a woman, you too will tap into your magical, magnetic powers. 

Men aren’t hairy, hard-bodied women. Men are men. Be a woman. Let him be a man. Yeah, I said it! And see how this transforms your relationships with ALL men, making it quite easy for you to then magnetize The One. Remember, Be Delicious! Men can't resist delicious women! 

Smooches! 

DeBora M. Ricks, Speaker, Executive Producer & Author of Why Did He Break Up With Me? & Love Addicted. Buy them at www.DeBoraRicks.com

7 Things I Wish Men Knew

I often write about what women need to know about charming and enchanting men, attracting and loving a man, and how to keep it right and tight.  But I'm a heterosexual woman who has been in relationships with men who thought they were smarter about love and relationships than they really were. Perhaps if these men knew the things I'm about to share, they might experience more success in their intimate relationships.

Okay, here are 7 things I wish men knew: 

1. The difference between a determined woman and a desperate one 
When I love a man, I, uh, love him. If I commit to him, well then I'm committed. Sure, once upon a time I was a sick little love junkie. (Wrote a book about it, want to read it?) Anyhoo, it saddens me that too many brothers simply cannot distinguish a woman determined to make love work with them from a desperate one. Get this, if a woman has a VaJJ...she can get another man quicker than you can download the latest Smartphone app. Know the difference between a woman who wants you and one who needs you. 

2. A car, a house, a Bank of America savings account don't give you a license to take me for granted  
There's a beliefs swirling among black men and women that there's a woeful shortage in good black men.  Well, I've been involved with a couple of brothers, who, because they had a little somethin' somethin' they took me for granted. One guy, from time to time, would even remind me that I wasn't the only woman that wanted him. Like Jamie Foxx, he wanted me to know he had options. I only wish he understood that I too had options and if he ever decided to take me granted it won't matter how pretty his car is, he too could be replaced. 

3. It's your job, not mine 
It's not my job to take care of you emotionally. Sure, I'll be there for you, be your soft place to fall, be your friend, confidante, lover, partner, cheerleader, supporter. But it's not my job to make you happy, feel whole, and grow your self-esteem. People talk plenty about needy women, but let's tell the truth: there are loads of needy little boys masquerading as men. Only neediness in men is often camouflaged by fits of anger and efforts to control  and manipulate his woman. I wish more men embraced spirituality and nurtured a relationship with a God of their understanding so that they can find happiness, wholeness and a sense of self in God. 

4.  You don't get to abuse me in the name of love 
One guy I tried to love would blow up at the slightest "infraction." He'd yell, pound his fist into his palm, and curse. I started to feel unsafe with him. I had to make him black history. Just because you got issues--and who doesn't--you don't get to verbally abuse me. If you can control your emotions with your boss and strangers, then you can learn to control them with me. I won't be your psychological punching bag under no circumstances. I wish you'd remember that I am a woman and I need your sweetness and protection. I'm not to be hurt, misused or abused. 

5. When to turn in their "player" card

A bunch of men are going to die alone, like the man who had a heart attack and wasn't missed until his dead body stank up his apartment complex. An old player is a sad sight indeed. They run from woman to woman, all because they are afraid. Afraid to be known. Afraid they're unlovable. Afraid they're not enough. I wish the old players would grow up! 

6. They're not that clever 
Just because a woman doesn't call you on your every lie doesn't mean she's asleep to them. A woman's intuition is better than the best GPS. I wish men were smart enough to know that your woman knows when you're lying. Remember the guy who thought himself a prize? Well, he was so arrogant he was stupid. He would tell lies and half-truths, thinking he was one step ahead me. It was a wrap when he cheated on me, uh, I mean on his character, and fed me 3-4 lies within minutes. I felt sad for him. He thought he was soooooo clever and smooth. Years later he's still trying to reel me back in. I wish he'd known a good thing when he had it and would have had the integrity required to keep it. 

7. How to be loved  

Everybody say they want somebody to love...but truth be told, lots of people don't know how to be loved. If a man doesn't love himself, he won't let anyone else love him. When we don't feel lovable, we sabotage our relationships with chaos, drama, constant complaining, whining, arguments. Truth is, some men just don't know how to let a woman love them. I wish they would learn to love themselves so they can let somebody else love them. 

Smooches! 

DeBora M. Ricks
Author of Why Did He Break Up With Me? Lessons in Love, Loss & Letting Go
Visit my website!

Pissed? This May Save Your Relationship

I remember when I was a teenager, whenever I had an upset I'd run to the phone and call my big sister. This practice became so habitual that one of my younger sisters would joke, when she saw me reach for the phone, "What you doin', calling Dr. Vern?" Yup, that's precisely what I was doing.

I wish I could tell you that when I entered my twenties I stopped relying on my sister to help me feel better whenever I got upset or scared. I didn't. What I can tell you is that I've finally learned the meaning of emotional sufficiency. But before I accepted that it's mine, not my sister's, man's, or mother's job to calm me down whenever I experienced emotions that didn't feel good, for years I was emotionally dependent upon others.

Do you understand that it's not your spouse's, man's, woman's, or family's responsibility to always be at your beck and call when your emotions are in turmoil? Really. Not only that, you have the power to soothe yourself. Really, you do.

Here's what I now do when my emotions are highly charged. You might find this helpful. Say your Boo does something that hurts your feelings. Your emotions are high. You really need him to say something that will make you feel better. But he's gotta get to work. No time to discuss things. With these strategies you're only three steps away from sanity.

1. Sit still. Cry if you want or need to. You're hurt. If you don't cry, that hurt can morph into anger. Anger will tell you to do stupid things, like go to his job. Or call him a hundred times. Or end the relationship. Or...you get the picture. 
2. Treat your feelings like they're a person about to jump off a tall building. Talk them down from there. That person about to jump is about to use a permanent solution for a temporary problem. Emotions change. They don't come to stay. They come to pass. Have a word with yourself, be gentle, kind, and sweet. But talk some sense into yourself.
3. Ask yourself, "Is this true? Am I absolutely sure that he doesn't love me? Has he ever shown me love?" That is, don't permit that one incident, slight, situation to make you conclude something irrational. 

Remember that feelings AREN'T facts. Just because your feelings tell you that your man doesn't care doesn't mean that's a fact. Feelings don't lie but the thoughts behind the feelings do. Your thought that he doesn't love you is likely a lie. Sure, he might have been harsh, mean, and insensitive. But does this mean he doesn't love you? Probably not. Healthy people put their intellect in charge of their feelings; while emotionally unstable people let their feelings dictate their beliefs and actions. Like a therapist once cautioned me, "Don't believe everything you think." For sure, that's a recipe for disaster.

Yes, have a word with your emotions, before you have that conversation. You just may save your relationship.

Smooches! 

DeBora M. Ricks 

Author/Speaker/Producer

Books: Why Did He Break Up With Me? Lessons in Love, Loss & Letting Go & Love Addicted: One Woman's Spiritual Journey Through Emotional Dependency 

Visit my website!

I SHALL be Organized!

I was talking to a sister friend when I told her I was in the throes of getting more organized. Brandy said she too works hard at being organized. Aaah, I'm not alone. I have two friends whose pictures, seriously, deserve to be in the dictionary next   to the word "organized." I want to be like them.

For me getting organized means I now have a place for my piles of papers, magazines and clothes that seem to mysteriously accumulate without any assistance on my part. Not to mention those pesky miscellaneous items that I just can't seem to categorize, well, they will at last find a resting place. I guess that's why there's even such a category as "miscellaneous," right... some things just defy categorization.

Anywho. I'm excited about having more order.

Getting organize also means having more structure in my days. I'm a writer. I'm creative. (Uh, as are you.) I usually work from home. I'm an entrepreneur. For the most part, nobody tells me when this or that has to be done. I have no supervisor. No boss. I'm it. This I like. I'm also a free spirit. And yet, I need, want and shall be organized! You hear me, I will be one of those people that people hate, cuz I'ma be organized. Probably not. People might hate me for some other reason, but being super organized probably won't be one of them. But one never knows, right? Stranger things have happened.

Anywho, I've started. I forced myself to put more structure in my days. If you're not like my friend Angel, who has one of the most beautifully organized homes on the eastern seaboard,  then you might need to get organized too. Let's get organized together!

Already, since writing down what I'll be doing on what days I am soooooooo much more productive! No kidding. I leave you with this: Don't be afraid to write down what you'll do on what day. You can make changes if need be. You create structure by having a plan. Ink in what you do each day of the week, then do it. I'm with you. We're in this together. Woohoo!

DeBora M. Ricks
Author/Speaker/Producer
Why Did He Break Up With Me? Lessons in Love, Loss & Letting Go
Visit my website!

Why You Aren't Attracting Men

This is me, at 56! Who's invisible? 

Audrey Edwards had sex with an old flame.  She wrote about it in ESSENCE magazine. So what, right? Well, it's deemed newsworthy because Edwards is over fifty.  Per some folks (I'm not one of them), it's no small feat for a woman over fifty to get laid. Audrey Chapman, a therapist who does a relationship show on WHUR,  interviewed Edwards. I'd read Edwards article and am in my fifties, so I couldn't wait to hear their discussion.

I learned some things. Or rather, some things were confirmed. The mature male listeners largely called in to say they really would like to date women their age, fifty and over, but such women are no longer sweet and juicy. My choice of words. "Most women over fifty have let themselves go," one man said nicely. On top of that, they are usually no longer sweet. What's the opposite of sweet? Yep, bitter. One guy said he was in his sixties and buffed. He wants a woman who works out.

A few women called in too. Women over fifty. Their common complaint was that they felt invisible and had a tough time attracting and meeting men. Well, if men don't see you...that would explain why they don't approach and ask you for your digits. These women were confused. They didn't know why they were being overlooked. One woman said she was bitter, had decided she no longer had any use for men but she just couldn't figure out why she was still single. She's the only one in the dark about this.

Here's why I'm writing this piece. I want women to take their power back. If you're under fifty, get your mind right NOW! If you're over fifty, stop giving in to the myth that you're old, invisible, and undesirable.

See, old is a state of mind. When a woman believes she can be beautiful, sexy, and desirable at any age, well then she will be beautiful, sexy, and desirable even as the years accumulate.

When a friend of mine entered her thirties she prepared to be fat. One summer she went shopping and bought herself a closet full of long moo-moos, to cover her soon to be fat legs. She told me, "DeBora, I just assumed that getting fat came with growing another year older." We both burst out laughing. Such a thought never crossed my mind. But I realized she wasn't alone in how she thought about maturing.

"Then I met you," she said.

She calls me her "secret weapon." I inspired her to exercise and she lost 30 pounds! Man, she looks amazing too! She knocked fifteen years off her looks. No kidding.

So, this is for you. If you're a woman over a certain age and you're having trouble attracting men I have something for you. If you want men falling all over themselves to get to you, adopt these "strategies."

1. Cultivate a Lightness of Being. If you're bitter, jaded, cynical, or angry then you got some folks to forgive. Begin with you. Then your daddy. Next your exes. Forgive yourself for ALL the so-called bad choices you made in men. Really, sweetie, there's no such thing as the wrong man. Every man comes to teach you something about yourself and life. Unforgiveness weighs you down. Being light, playful, fun, and easy to love makes a woman magical and magnetic and compelling. Men of all ages will be drawn to you. 
2. Change your mindset about "aging." In fact, stop thinking about your age altogether. If you're one of those women that's always talking about "I can't wear this because I'm old" or is famous for saying stuff like, "when you get to be MY age such and such," then your thoughts are aging you. Yep, your THOUGHTS are making you old. Wear what feels good, looks good, and for goodness sakes, what's contemporary or classic. I don't mean trendy. I mean let go of those clothes you wore in the 70s and 80s. Oh, while I'm at it, update your hairstyle. What worked for you 20 years ago probably dates you now. Get fresh. 
3. Take care of your Temple. Yes, exercise. Sorry, but you can't escape it. Exercise is one of the most "youthing" things you can do. It's truly the fountain of youth. Strength train. Jump rope. Do cardio. Stretch. Oh, and eat right. I eat a Mediterranean Diet. If you don't know what that is, Google it. 

Don't believe everything you read or hear. Men love women. When a woman takes care of herself in mind, body, and spirit...like good wine she grows better with the years. Such a woman has no problem attracting men. Let me tell ya, I speak from experience.

Smooches! 

DeBora
_________________________________
DeBora M. Ricks

Author of Why Did He Break Up With Me?

Visit me on the web!

I Dropped the Ball

Lebron James Picked up the Ball

In a radio interview I made an excuse as to why I hadn't blogged for months. "I'm working on getting a Wordpress blog, for more visibility," I said. That's true. And still, even as those words rolled off my tongue something in me knew I was making an excuse. Something in me knew the truth: I'd dropped the ball. I'd dropped the ball when I stopped blogging, when I ceased to do something that I'd committed to doing, something that matters to me, something I'm meant to do, something that honors the commitment that I made to myself to give to the world through the written word.

So, let me confess the truth to you: I dropped the ball. That's what came to me as I walked through Druid Hill Park the other day. Before I fessed up though, I beat myself up. You understand, we tend to beat ourselves up when don't keep the commitments we make...to ourselves. Or we fail to live up to our own self-concept. As soon as I was able to tell myself the truth not only did I feel better but I freed myself to do something about the dropped ball.

What's more I had an epiphany. Yes, I'd dropped the ball. So has Lebron James. Still James is deemed one of the best basketball players of all times. Ray Lewis has dropped his share of balls. Still he took the Baltimore Ravens to the Super Bowl. James and Lewis are winners. You know why? They are winners because when they drop a ball they bend down and pick it
up. Yup, that's what winners do. Winners don't make excuses for why they dropped the ball. Winners don't stand there staring at the ball on the floor. Winners bend over and pick up the ball and keep playing the game.

Okay, you've dropped a ball or two too. But guess what, if you stay in the game you are playing to win. So the next time you drop a ball, waste no time explaining, lying, denying what you've done. Shucks, humans drop balls. Just make sure you stay in the game. Either pick the ball up, or decide it's not your ball to play. Whatever you do, stay in the game and play to win!

DeBora M. Ricks

Author/Speaker/Producer 

Why Did He Break Up With Me? Lessons in Love, Loss & Letting Go

Visit my website!

The Old You Must Die If...

A dear friend of mine is "battling" cancer. The reason I put quotation marks around the word "battling" is because I resist embracing anything that has to do with war and fighting. And yet, fight is sometimes precisely what we must do when faced with a physical, financial, relational, emotional challenge that appears bigger than us. 

I spoke with my friend this morning. I asked her if she'd like for me and some of our mutual sister friends to come over and pray with her. What I had in mind actually was having some sort of service, like church, with her. See, the cancer has caused her to lose her looks. And she only leaves the house to make medical appointments and go to the market. I waited for her answer, kind of. I can be passionately impatient. I kept talking. I said, "I'm here for you...and I know Z and L would be glad to meet me at your house." 

These are difficult times for many people. Familiar systems are crumbling.  Old ways of being in the world are no longer working. People are losing their health, jobs, homes, relationships, old identities. And don't blame the economy. The world as we once knew is rightfully dissolving. It's all in divine order. Old things must pass away if new things are to emerge. Old ways of being in the world must collapse, if new ways of being in the world are to have the space to unfold. It's scary, yes. It hurts, yes. Until we learn to trust...that all is in divine order. We are always provided for, no matter external appearances. 

I know from experience. I lost a job last year. A part of me happily embraced this freedom to now step boldly into a new world without the encumbrances of a nine-to-five and a "boss." Months later, fear started to move in. I recommitted myself to my spiritual practices, which I share below. Then the truth started to dawn:  There is a POWER...that I get to USE...to CREATE whatever I can imagine! I, however, must cease to believe the lie, that external circumstances have any power.  That POWER is available to YOU too! You can choose to use it to create what you desire, or not. It's your choice. 

Maybe you're in the throes of massive change due to an illness, loss of job, relationship, home, or identity. I want to help you remember a few things that will make a difference in whether you sink into depression or swim easily with the current:

1. Stop labeling the experience "bad." It's neither good nor bad. It just IS. 
2. SURRENDER. Flow with change. Something new wants to emerge. Let it. 
3. Grow your FAITH: Meditate. Pray. Be still. Dwell in the silence, daily.  
4. Read spiritually uplifting books, blogs, magazines, daily.  
5. Immerse yourself in a spiritually nourishing, loving and supportive community. 
6. Cease to believe everything you think. 
7. Remember the TRUTH: You are one with God. How can you be one with the Almighty God and be weak and powerless?  What lies within you is greater than ANY circumstances out there.  
8. Use Affirmations and Denials to affirm what is truth and deny and thus dissolve the lies you tell yourself about you, your place in the world, and your possibilities. All things are possible, with God. 

Remember, the old you must die so that the new you may be born. The new you is a powerful being of light and love. But only as you face your most daunting fears will your light shine forth brightly for those still lost to see, be inspired by, and find their way back to their perfection and power. This, I'm convinced, is what we have come here to do, to find our way out of the darkness...so that we may lead others to the light. 

Your Fellow Lightworker,

DeBora  

DeBora M. Ricks

Editor/Author/Empowerment Speaker

Executive Producer of The Anthony McCarthy Show, 

WEAA, 88.9 FM 

Visit me at DeBoraRicks.com

Toot Your Own Horn

I was in a meeting today, where other staff were recognized, while I, a volunteer, was overlooked. Shame welled up me, as I sat there in silence. Unless you've experienced having been overlooked, when you fully expected to be acknowledged and thus appreciated, you don't understand.

My feelings were so overwhelming that at times they distracted me. Finally, I raised my hand and introduced myself, though not very eloquently. Still, I did it. I honored myself. I recognized me. I did it even as tears welled in my eyes. You see, growing up I'd learned to be seen but not heard, which in actuality amounts to not being seen.

Well, I tooted my own horn! Yay for me. We need not wait for permission to be seen and heard, we have the right and power to do that. If you don't, it might never happen. Go for it, even as your voice shakes...do it!

DeBora M.Ricks
Editor/Author/Speaker
Read an excerpt & buy Love Addicted at www.DeBoraricks.com

Prisoner

I'm on a mission to be FREE! Can you relate? Back in 1987 I stood up in a personal growth seminar full of mostly white folks and out of my mouth came these words, "I want to feel comfortable anywhere in the world!" You see, back then I was a self-conscious, self-critical, approval seeking sister. I've done a whole lot of spiritual work since then and I've grown and expanded but I'm not done. I want to experience a greater sense of freedom, know what I mean?

Truth is I'ma prisoner. Of sorts. Now, don't get me wrong. The prison that I dwell in sometimes feels roomy, airy and even fun. At other times it doesn't even strike me as a prison. And still, it's a prison. And it's largely a prison of my own making.

Some signs that you're in prison:

• You're in prison when you care more about what other people think than how you feel.


• You're in prison when you spend 40 hours a week at a job that you despise.


• You're incarcerated when you people please and approval seek.


• You're in prison when you don't speak your mind for fear of what others will do and say


• You're in prison when your addiction to food, alcohol, clothes, sex, men, drug dictate your choices


• You're in prison when you hate yourself


• You're in prison when you don't forgive yourself


• You're in prison when you don't forgive others


• You're in prison when you hinge your happiness on what someone else does or doesn't do


• You're in prison when you let someone else's opinion of your become you reality


• You're in prison when you wait for such and such to be happy


• You're in prison when you'd rather be abused than alone


• You're in prison when you allow, promote, accept, tolerate maltreatment from others

Want to escape with me? C'mon, let's get FREE! Moment to moment choose to be you, your authentic self. Say what you need to say. Follow your bliss! Forgive YOU. Let others off the hook. To thyself be true. Choose happiness NOW. Take good care of yourself. Teach people how to treat you, well. Love YOU!

C'mon, Show Brothers Some Love

I love black women. Shucks, I'm a black woman, uh, if that wasn't already apparent I thought I'd state the obvious. I love ME, so love for my sisters come easy. I love black men, too. Sure, black men can sometimes be challenging for a multitude of reasons. And yes, many haven't stepped up to the plate...or even made sure the plate was full when their babies needed some porridge. Too many of our brothers, fathers, sons, mates are on drugs, on the streets or in prison. I know, I know and lots of them are lost and confused and emotionally unstable. Too many are abusive, verbally and physically. Not enough of them see theirs or our value. 

Still, there are many black men who are great dads, fine husbands, committed partners, business men handling their bizness, college students, loyal guy friends, fearless leaders, and more. 

It's not as if I've not have my challenges with men. My minister father treated me like he didn't want or love me.  I've had boyfriends who cheated on me, were verbally abusive, and were MIA when I needed them most. But if you'd do a background check on me re: my intimate relationships, oh well, brothers could tell you life "ain't been no crystal stairs" with DeBora either. At least it wasn't always smooth sailing from start to finish. I got my issues. They got theirs. Still, none of this makes me or him unlovable or undeserving of love, respect, and recognition.  

Despite it all, we have a responsibility to show each other some love. Yes, I chose that word "responsibility" quite deliberately. If we say we love God, and 90% of Americans claim to believe in a God of their understanding, then we must learn to love our brothers, again. How can you say you love God, whom you can't see, but despise your brother...who you see and walk by daily?  

To my sisters I say, if you truly desire a good relationship with ONE black man, then get busy forgiving ALL black men. Any man who has disrespected, ignored, devalued, left, hurt, harmed, betrayed, abandoned, beat, abused, molested, or raped you deserves your forgiveness. More importantly, YOU deserve the benefits of forgiving ALL. Forgiveness FREES you. Forgiving my dad was the best thing I did for me! Why not adopt what Jesus said about those who hung him on the cross, "Forgive them Father for they know not what they do."