Why You Aren't Attracting Men

This is me, at 56! Who's invisible? 

Audrey Edwards had sex with an old flame.  She wrote about it in ESSENCE magazine. So what, right? Well, it's deemed newsworthy because Edwards is over fifty.  Per some folks (I'm not one of them), it's no small feat for a woman over fifty to get laid. Audrey Chapman, a therapist who does a relationship show on WHUR,  interviewed Edwards. I'd read Edwards article and am in my fifties, so I couldn't wait to hear their discussion.

I learned some things. Or rather, some things were confirmed. The mature male listeners largely called in to say they really would like to date women their age, fifty and over, but such women are no longer sweet and juicy. My choice of words. "Most women over fifty have let themselves go," one man said nicely. On top of that, they are usually no longer sweet. What's the opposite of sweet? Yep, bitter. One guy said he was in his sixties and buffed. He wants a woman who works out.

A few women called in too. Women over fifty. Their common complaint was that they felt invisible and had a tough time attracting and meeting men. Well, if men don't see you...that would explain why they don't approach and ask you for your digits. These women were confused. They didn't know why they were being overlooked. One woman said she was bitter, had decided she no longer had any use for men but she just couldn't figure out why she was still single. She's the only one in the dark about this.

Here's why I'm writing this piece. I want women to take their power back. If you're under fifty, get your mind right NOW! If you're over fifty, stop giving in to the myth that you're old, invisible, and undesirable.

See, old is a state of mind. When a woman believes she can be beautiful, sexy, and desirable at any age, well then she will be beautiful, sexy, and desirable even as the years accumulate.

When a friend of mine entered her thirties she prepared to be fat. One summer she went shopping and bought herself a closet full of long moo-moos, to cover her soon to be fat legs. She told me, "DeBora, I just assumed that getting fat came with growing another year older." We both burst out laughing. Such a thought never crossed my mind. But I realized she wasn't alone in how she thought about maturing.

"Then I met you," she said.

She calls me her "secret weapon." I inspired her to exercise and she lost 30 pounds! Man, she looks amazing too! She knocked fifteen years off her looks. No kidding.

So, this is for you. If you're a woman over a certain age and you're having trouble attracting men I have something for you. If you want men falling all over themselves to get to you, adopt these "strategies."

1. Cultivate a Lightness of Being. If you're bitter, jaded, cynical, or angry then you got some folks to forgive. Begin with you. Then your daddy. Next your exes. Forgive yourself for ALL the so-called bad choices you made in men. Really, sweetie, there's no such thing as the wrong man. Every man comes to teach you something about yourself and life. Unforgiveness weighs you down. Being light, playful, fun, and easy to love makes a woman magical and magnetic and compelling. Men of all ages will be drawn to you. 
2. Change your mindset about "aging." In fact, stop thinking about your age altogether. If you're one of those women that's always talking about "I can't wear this because I'm old" or is famous for saying stuff like, "when you get to be MY age such and such," then your thoughts are aging you. Yep, your THOUGHTS are making you old. Wear what feels good, looks good, and for goodness sakes, what's contemporary or classic. I don't mean trendy. I mean let go of those clothes you wore in the 70s and 80s. Oh, while I'm at it, update your hairstyle. What worked for you 20 years ago probably dates you now. Get fresh. 
3. Take care of your Temple. Yes, exercise. Sorry, but you can't escape it. Exercise is one of the most "youthing" things you can do. It's truly the fountain of youth. Strength train. Jump rope. Do cardio. Stretch. Oh, and eat right. I eat a Mediterranean Diet. If you don't know what that is, Google it. 

Don't believe everything you read or hear. Men love women. When a woman takes care of herself in mind, body, and spirit...like good wine she grows better with the years. Such a woman has no problem attracting men. Let me tell ya, I speak from experience.

Smooches! 

DeBora
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DeBora M. Ricks

Author of Why Did He Break Up With Me?

Visit me on the web!

C'mon, Show Brothers Some Love

I love black women. Shucks, I'm a black woman, uh, if that wasn't already apparent I thought I'd state the obvious. I love ME, so love for my sisters come easy. I love black men, too. Sure, black men can sometimes be challenging for a multitude of reasons. And yes, many haven't stepped up to the plate...or even made sure the plate was full when their babies needed some porridge. Too many of our brothers, fathers, sons, mates are on drugs, on the streets or in prison. I know, I know and lots of them are lost and confused and emotionally unstable. Too many are abusive, verbally and physically. Not enough of them see theirs or our value. 

Still, there are many black men who are great dads, fine husbands, committed partners, business men handling their bizness, college students, loyal guy friends, fearless leaders, and more. 

It's not as if I've not have my challenges with men. My minister father treated me like he didn't want or love me.  I've had boyfriends who cheated on me, were verbally abusive, and were MIA when I needed them most. But if you'd do a background check on me re: my intimate relationships, oh well, brothers could tell you life "ain't been no crystal stairs" with DeBora either. At least it wasn't always smooth sailing from start to finish. I got my issues. They got theirs. Still, none of this makes me or him unlovable or undeserving of love, respect, and recognition.  

Despite it all, we have a responsibility to show each other some love. Yes, I chose that word "responsibility" quite deliberately. If we say we love God, and 90% of Americans claim to believe in a God of their understanding, then we must learn to love our brothers, again. How can you say you love God, whom you can't see, but despise your brother...who you see and walk by daily?  

To my sisters I say, if you truly desire a good relationship with ONE black man, then get busy forgiving ALL black men. Any man who has disrespected, ignored, devalued, left, hurt, harmed, betrayed, abandoned, beat, abused, molested, or raped you deserves your forgiveness. More importantly, YOU deserve the benefits of forgiving ALL. Forgiveness FREES you. Forgiving my dad was the best thing I did for me! Why not adopt what Jesus said about those who hung him on the cross, "Forgive them Father for they know not what they do." 

Have You Let Yourself Go?

I'm a people watcher, right. I not only watch men...because I love the sight and smell of masculinity. But I observe women too, and listen to their desires, complaints, hopes, longings. I particularly pay attention to women forty and over...because I'm over forty and most, though not all, of my women friends are too. So I'm writing this post to the forty and over club of women. 

Time and time again I hear women say they want a man. In my circles we know we get what we want by attraction. Well, long before the words "Law of Attraction" was a household phrase women were using our feminine power to attract men. See, before the women's movement hoodwinked us into believing our femininity was a liability and that to be powerful in the world we had to be hard,  aggressive, manly, women embraced and enjoyed their femininity. Women acknowledged that men had certain kinds of power. They also knew as women they had other kinds of power. And that power is power. Then they  burned their bras in the streets, donned pinstriped pantsuits, cummerbunds, and shoulder pads, secured that coveted corner office,  brokered deals in corporate America as effectively as men did only to forget how wonderfully and magically we were made AS women...and how much fun it is to be one. 

Okay, why am I writing this post? Truth is I see so many women suffering in a myriad of ways all because they've forgotten their feminine power and radiance. So this is for women who want to amp up their magnetic powers, women who desire to attract more male attention and ain't afraid to own it, women who want to embrace their femininity unapologetically. If you're a heterosexual woman, you desire the company of a man. Well, I can't guarantee that what you read here will help you land, secure and lock down The One, but I can tell you this, if you take to heart what I'm saying here I promise you that your POOL of potential partners will explode. Yes, that's right. You'll have options. Now tell me, what woman in her right mind doesn't want options? Even if you never ever use any of them, it feels good and right to have more of them, right? Because the more options you have, the better your chances are at attracting the man that's just right for you. 

Did I mention that I was a people watcher? Well, I've seen stunning, smart, magnetic women in their 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s and beyond who are still turning the heads of men. And turning some down too! See, they got OPTIONS baby! Every woman has that power. But if we're to use it we have to remember we got it. 

Then there's the Invisible Woman. She blends in, rather than blend out. If you're blending in with your surroundings it goes without saying you won't be seen...by men. I've observed that women do three things that make them invisible to men. You ready? Here goes.

Many women:

1. Let themselves go 

2. Let their appearance become stale and obsolete 

3. Forget they are women 

By the way, if men notice you you can bet your bottom dollar that women do. Women admire, envy, are jealous of, threatened and inspired by other compelling women. If women don't notice you, it's not likely that men see you. To tell you the truth, since I'm at it, if other women dismiss you, especially when they're with their Boo, you're invisible. That's not good, particularly if you're in the market for a man. Not any other woman's man, but your Mr. Right. 

Alright, let's get back to the Invisible Woman. 

1. How do you know you've let yourself go? Well, you've let yourself go when you foolishly think that now that your man has said "I Do" you don't anymore. That is, you don't put "that shiny stuff" on your lips anymore. You don't break a sweat in the gym or bedroom...cuz you might mess up your hair. You don't wear sexy heels anymore. You don't talk soft and sweet anymore. You don't keep a bit of mystery in the air anymore. In sum, you don't care how you look or who you be any longer because, to steal a line out of the movie The Color Purple, you can say "IIIs marriedddd Nooooow!"  Big, BIG mistake! In fact, I think married women should actually step up the care of themselves because "security," children, mortgages, seeing you every day and night can get predicable and boring. Your looking and smelling good gives your man something beautiful to look forward to when he thinks about home. (Does this sound sexist? Maybe. Is it real? Absolutely! Men ought to do the same for their women, keep it right, tight, and smelling good.) 

Okay, back to how to know if you've let yourself go. You've let yourself go if you get fat and out of shape then endlessly whine about how shallow men are and repeatedly ask "why can't they just love me for who I am on the inside?" HaaHaaHaa! That's Hiiiilarious. Men are visual creatures. Even if they are madly in love with your insides they want and need to lust after your outsides. And if you're smart, you want this too. Please stop being mad because men are visual. Accept it. It is what it is. Shucks, just for the record, we're visual too. Ain't Idris Elba fine? Don't you love the sight of Hill Harper? Neither one of these fine specimen are fat and out of shape. So stop playing ladies. Okay, let's get back on track. 

Keep it right and tight ladies. Even if you're married, looking hot and juicy doesn't allow your man to forget that "she's got options." This keeps him on his toes.  One of the worst things a woman can do to her relationship is give her man reason to think if he leaves she'll have a hard time "replacing" him. Well, when you don't doll yourself up on a regular basis you make it much easier for your man to take you for granted. If he takes you for granted he'll start looking elsewhere for thrills. A beautiful woman is interesting to a man. Stay beautiful. Not just for him, but for you too. You'll feel more powerful, sexy and confident. Confidence is the supreme turn-on. 

2. How do you know your appearance is stale and obsolete? Well, why don't we investigate with a few questions. Did you discover decades ago the perfect hairstyle and ain't no way you're about to try anything new? Are you afraid of getting your hair cut in a style? Did someone tell you that clothes always come back in style so you kept your wardrobe from the 70s, 80s and 90s and by George you can still fit them? Do you tend to choose comfort over style...over and over again? When you hang with fly women your age do people sometimes think you're those women's mother? Do you rarely hear compliments from men on how beautiful or pretty you look? If you answered yes to any one of these questions, you might be dressing like an old lady. My mother is 90 years old and she doesn't dress like an old lady! Old ladies look like they smell stale and old and like mothballs. Men aren't attracted to old ladies. One of my cousins, Louise, met a man and got married again. She's 75! She doesn't dress like an old lady. 

3. How does a woman forget she's a woman? I know a woman who has gorgeous legs...who rarely wears a dress. I know women who walk like men. I know women who are good-looking, stylish, and smart who, energetically speaking, don't realize they are women. In conversation with men, as I prepared to do my Sweet & Juicy Woman Seminar, I learned what makes a woman compelling to a man. More than a few men said the sexiest women are women who clearly enjoy BEING women. I get it. A woman who relishes her womanness is one who shows appreciation for those attributes that make her woman. See, what men adore about women are the things that they don't have or do. A guy I dated loved watching me put lipstick on. Another beau would watch me walk to my car because just for him I'd walk in a way that made my butt bounce. I did it just to put a smile on his face and make him go, "Damn baby, walk that walk!" Men adore curves, the swing and sway of a woman's hips, sweet smells (studies say vanilla especially), manicured nails, smokey eyes, luscious lips, smooth and soft skin, a radiant smile and a happy disposition. Ladies, let him wear the pants, you wear your dresses and heels, especially on a date. Walk that walk. Love your body, adore your femaleness, bask in your own light...and notice how much more men do. When a woman embraces and enjoys her femininity she radiates a brilliant Light from within; men become like a moth to this Light. 

So, there you have it.

Smooches!

DeBora

Coming Soon! 

The Sweet and Juicy Woman TeleSeminar. In this seminar you'll learn:

• What makes men absolutely adore a woman
• How to be a Being of Light and how it transforms your relationship with men 
• How to amp up your magnetic ability to attract  
• The power of standing in your Feminine Power  
• How to feel good naked
• What men really want from women sexually   
• and more! 

Have you let yourself go? Do you too often feel like the Invisible Woman in the room? For one-on-one coaching or a one time consultation about your personal style, visit www.DeBoraRicks.com, go to the Contact Page and send me a message. 

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DeBora M. Ricks, Author of Love Addicted: One Woman's Spiritual JournJey through Emotional Dependency and the upcoming book, Why Did He Break Up With Me? Lessons in Love, Loss and Letting Go. To read excerpts and buy copies, go to www.DeBoraRicks.com 

Can a Woman be too Strong?

A couple of years ago I went on a One Love Women's Retreat to Jamaica with about nine dynamic sisters. We stayed five days in St. Ann Parish. Daily, reggae music and the smell of Jamaican cuisine wafted through the air. The lush, expansive grounds of the beautiful, rustic and simply adorned retreat lodge was soothing to the soul, the local food, prepared by two Jamaican women who knew their way around a stove, was to live for.  We were in heaven.

Every day we ventured out for a taste of Jamaica. One day we jet skied on the beach. Another day we climbed Dunn's River Falls. I did it barefooted. Yeah, I was showing off. Plus, I wanted to see what I was made of, to see if all the exercising I do was paying dividends. 

It was, however, our trek all the way across the island to St. Mary Parish that inspired this blog. Partially  inspired it, since I have more observations like this. Uh, well, we didn't actually trek, but were driven by Fredrick of Fred Juta Tours Jamaica. There we were in more mountains, staying in the sweetest little, pastel pink walled hotel built right on top of a rushing river, scrumptious delicious food, and a throng of Jamaican men waiting outside to serve us. Yep, the closest thing to heaven that I can think of...at least in those moments. 

A tiny bit of back story. I'd been working on my second book about breakups. Just as significantly, I'd been self-examining, to see where I was getting in my own way re: my intimate relationships with men. One or two men told me I sometimes talk too much and thus listen too little. I'd been told I can be argumentative and difficult. Yep, too often I needed to have the last word. Though I embrace my strength, there have been times when I wanted nothing more than to be soft and sweet and let my man be the strong one. But thanks to my well-meaning mother, who told her daughters to "never let 'em ('em being men) see you cry," most often I'd act like a man when inside I was feeling like a baby. A baby that needed to cry and be consoled and comforted by her man. 

Thank goodness, I'm learning some things...and unlearning other stuff. 

Well, let's get on back to Jamaica. So, there we were the next morning, refreshed, in our bikinis and bathing suits, towels in hands, ready to be escorted up the mountain so we could get ourselves a proper massage in the amazing hot springs of Jamaica. Like I said, we were in heaven. I say "proper" because allegedly the hotel offered massages and hot spring baths in their sterile, concrete stalls. But if you ever venture on down yonder there to St. Mary Parish, Jamaica get on out there with the Mountain Men. They give you the works, properly, and never once touch you inappropriately. Enough said about that.

The "chief," a bearded yet dignified older Jamaican man, matched each woman up with a man. I was blessed to get the sweetest little (as in tall and lean) Bob Marley look-a-like. Another sister got John Legend's twin. The brothers extended and raised their right hand, an invitation for us to place ours into theirs. I did so happily. Bob, er, I mean Ronald held my hand high, like I was royalty, as he ever so gingerly led me up the rough mountains. Wait! Is there trouble in paradise? Well, yeah. Some of the sisters refused the extended hands of their men. Just turned their noses up at the brothers. So, alone, unsupported, and unaided they stumbled up the rough, unfamiliar terrain. One  almost fell on her face. Then she had a change in mind. She gave up her "I don't need your help" posturing and let "her" man help her. She got smart. 

This scenario, and many others like it, got me pondering these questions:

• Are sisters too strong for our own good? 
• Does being strong require that we also be independent to a fault? 
• Is our strength driving a wedge between us and black men? 

Trust me, I have lots more question like these but I'll stop here. At least until the next blog.

Listen, we got history. That is, black women were forced to be "strong, independent" folks because too often our men abandoned us and their children. Babies gotta eat! Everybody needs some place to lay their heads at night. Sisters step up to the doggone plate and Get 'er Done! Still, are brothers asking too much to hope that more sisters will reclaim our softer, sweeter, surrendering selves? I'm just asking. 

Back in March I did a Sweet & Juicy Woman Seminar at the Women's Expo. After the seminar, a sister came up to me. She'd been married for twenty years. She said she knew she was "hard" but she didn't know how not to be. I understood. If you can relate, read my blog, The Secret to Charming and Enchanting Men. That's a good start. And stay tuned as I share more on this and similar topics. 

Let's get juicy! 

DeBora 

DeBora M. Ricks, Speaker, Attorney and Author of the upcoming book, Why Did He Break Up With Me? Lessons in Love, Loss & Letting Go. Read an excerpt WDHBUWM? 

You may also get my book, Love Addicted, on my website as an e-book. Go to www.DeBoraRicks.com