Can a Woman be too Strong?

A couple of years ago I went on a One Love Women's Retreat to Jamaica with about nine dynamic sisters. We stayed five days in St. Ann Parish. Daily, reggae music and the smell of Jamaican cuisine wafted through the air. The lush, expansive grounds of the beautiful, rustic and simply adorned retreat lodge was soothing to the soul, the local food, prepared by two Jamaican women who knew their way around a stove, was to live for.  We were in heaven.

Every day we ventured out for a taste of Jamaica. One day we jet skied on the beach. Another day we climbed Dunn's River Falls. I did it barefooted. Yeah, I was showing off. Plus, I wanted to see what I was made of, to see if all the exercising I do was paying dividends. 

It was, however, our trek all the way across the island to St. Mary Parish that inspired this blog. Partially  inspired it, since I have more observations like this. Uh, well, we didn't actually trek, but were driven by Fredrick of Fred Juta Tours Jamaica. There we were in more mountains, staying in the sweetest little, pastel pink walled hotel built right on top of a rushing river, scrumptious delicious food, and a throng of Jamaican men waiting outside to serve us. Yep, the closest thing to heaven that I can think of...at least in those moments. 

A tiny bit of back story. I'd been working on my second book about breakups. Just as significantly, I'd been self-examining, to see where I was getting in my own way re: my intimate relationships with men. One or two men told me I sometimes talk too much and thus listen too little. I'd been told I can be argumentative and difficult. Yep, too often I needed to have the last word. Though I embrace my strength, there have been times when I wanted nothing more than to be soft and sweet and let my man be the strong one. But thanks to my well-meaning mother, who told her daughters to "never let 'em ('em being men) see you cry," most often I'd act like a man when inside I was feeling like a baby. A baby that needed to cry and be consoled and comforted by her man. 

Thank goodness, I'm learning some things...and unlearning other stuff. 

Well, let's get on back to Jamaica. So, there we were the next morning, refreshed, in our bikinis and bathing suits, towels in hands, ready to be escorted up the mountain so we could get ourselves a proper massage in the amazing hot springs of Jamaica. Like I said, we were in heaven. I say "proper" because allegedly the hotel offered massages and hot spring baths in their sterile, concrete stalls. But if you ever venture on down yonder there to St. Mary Parish, Jamaica get on out there with the Mountain Men. They give you the works, properly, and never once touch you inappropriately. Enough said about that.

The "chief," a bearded yet dignified older Jamaican man, matched each woman up with a man. I was blessed to get the sweetest little (as in tall and lean) Bob Marley look-a-like. Another sister got John Legend's twin. The brothers extended and raised their right hand, an invitation for us to place ours into theirs. I did so happily. Bob, er, I mean Ronald held my hand high, like I was royalty, as he ever so gingerly led me up the rough mountains. Wait! Is there trouble in paradise? Well, yeah. Some of the sisters refused the extended hands of their men. Just turned their noses up at the brothers. So, alone, unsupported, and unaided they stumbled up the rough, unfamiliar terrain. One  almost fell on her face. Then she had a change in mind. She gave up her "I don't need your help" posturing and let "her" man help her. She got smart. 

This scenario, and many others like it, got me pondering these questions:

• Are sisters too strong for our own good? 
• Does being strong require that we also be independent to a fault? 
• Is our strength driving a wedge between us and black men? 

Trust me, I have lots more question like these but I'll stop here. At least until the next blog.

Listen, we got history. That is, black women were forced to be "strong, independent" folks because too often our men abandoned us and their children. Babies gotta eat! Everybody needs some place to lay their heads at night. Sisters step up to the doggone plate and Get 'er Done! Still, are brothers asking too much to hope that more sisters will reclaim our softer, sweeter, surrendering selves? I'm just asking. 

Back in March I did a Sweet & Juicy Woman Seminar at the Women's Expo. After the seminar, a sister came up to me. She'd been married for twenty years. She said she knew she was "hard" but she didn't know how not to be. I understood. If you can relate, read my blog, The Secret to Charming and Enchanting Men. That's a good start. And stay tuned as I share more on this and similar topics. 

Let's get juicy! 

DeBora 

DeBora M. Ricks, Speaker, Attorney and Author of the upcoming book, Why Did He Break Up With Me? Lessons in Love, Loss & Letting Go. Read an excerpt WDHBUWM? 

You may also get my book, Love Addicted, on my website as an e-book. Go to www.DeBoraRicks.com

Why Nice Guys Finish Last, Part 2

The responses that I got from folks about my first installment of Why Nice Guys Finish Last were interesting. Like I stated in Part 1, I wrote the piece to help men. And some were pleased, said I helped them to understand a few things. One gentleman said, "it's seldom that a woman writes anything for the empowerment of men." Others were saddened by the piece, said they felt defeated and deflated. But don't despair. Nice guys don't always finish last. Read on to see when nice guys advance to the front of the line. Several women said I was spot on. A few women vehemently disagreed with me. I'll repeat, I wrote these posts, particularly Part 1, to help the man who is baffled about the choices women tend to make in men, even as they insist that all they want is a nice guy.

First, let me clear a few things up. A "nice guy" is not to be confused with a "good man." To tell you the truth, I can not begin to tell you what a good man is. That is, I can only tell you what I consider a good man. What some women call a good man has more do with what he has than who he is. I remember a friend who would only date professional men--doctors and lawyers and Indian Chiefs. Obviously, she considered these men good. Perhaps they were good men, to some woman. But to her? Not so much. At least not as far as I could see. One New Year's Eve when me and my beau went to fetch her and her date to attend a party she came to the door looking sad and downtrodden. Her "good man" had stood her up. I think this was her doctor guy. How good is a man who isn't even there for you? Who cares that he drives a Mercedes, wears Armani suits, has a six-figure income, and could play Michael Ealy's double in the next Steve Harvey's movie. If he's not there for you, then... Excuse me, that's another blog. 

So, a nice guy could be a good man. A bad boy, as I describe a bad boy, could also be a good man. It really depends on the woman.  

Okay, let's move forward. 

A mature woman in a relationship forums that I did said, in response to my question, "What do women want in a man?" said, "It depends on a woman's age." Another woman chimed in and said, "I would say it depends not on a woman's age but the stage she's in in her life." I agree with them both and think it's a tad of both. Consequently, what kind of man suits a woman's fancy will largely depend on where a woman in her life. Where she is--if she's being true to her needs rather than trying to live up to societal dictates or the expectations of others--will influence what kind of man she chooses to spend her days and nights with. 

Let me explain...by talking a bit about me. 

When I was in my twenties, in college, fresh off the steps and green as a cucumber about life, bad boys intrigued me. Men who seemed to know where they were going and what plane to board to get there fascinated me. The last thing I needed was a man as scared and timid as me. "Nice guys need not apply," was my credo. Well, I met a bad boy in college, UMBC, and fell madly in love with him. Chance didn't look like the proverbial bad boy. He didn't do drugs. Nor did he sling them. He didn't beat women and mistreat children. Neither had he ever spent time in jail. Chance, a frat brother, had confidence, was a leader, and knew how to take charge when a girl needed him to take charge.

You can read more about Chance in my first book, Love Addicted.

After college, I met Avery. I might be odd in that I never really pined for matrimony. But when I did consider getting married I'd have to admit that I wasn't much concerned with whether my intended was skilled at talking dirty or that he embodied danger. In fact, what appealed to me about Avery might be deemed the opposite of danger. I saw Avery as someone I could count on, someone who I could build something with, someone who was predictable and therefore perfect for me. So, my taste in men changed. He still had to be someone that I could imagine waking up to but now I insisted that he think and behave like a family man. When I think "bad boy" I don't also think marriage. The woman in marriage mode wants a man she can rely on, a man who's going to bring home the bacon, a man who is ready to build something with her. My husband, Avery, was a nice guy. The quality that stood out to me even then was how stable, reliable and consistent he was. Yes, when a woman is ready to settle in, to get married, to grow with a man, nice guys move to the front of the line. We still, however, want our nice guy to have some bad boy tendency when it comes to taking charge and taking us to bed.

Oh yeah, there's also more about Avery in Love Addicted.

We hook up with another person for a myriad of reasons: Maybe we want to banish loneliness. Perhaps we're looking to build something--a family, a house, a business and we imagine it would be easier and more fun to do it with another. Perhaps we desire clever conversation, over the moon sex, laugh out loud  fun and merriment, a hand-dance partner, a traveling companion. Which brings me to yet another stage in a woman's life. Very often when a woman has done all the above--been married, raised children, learned how to take care of herself emotionally and financially--her taste in men changes again. Why? Because her needs have changed. A mature woman with her own money and stuff, who knows who she is, what she wants, what matters most concerns herself less and less with a man's stuff, degrees, titles, and bank account. With fewer years ahead than behind her, she now wants to live a bit more on the edge. Bad boys tend to make wonderful play dates. And there's no need for adult supervision. Everybody's grown. 

This also must be said. A mature woman has undoubtedly experienced her share of betrayals, losses, disappointments, heart aches and heart breaks in love and relationships. If she has grown better, rather than bitter, now she's ready to live her life on her terms. Bad boys can make great playmates. 

And another thing. As a healthy woman matures, sex can get better and better and better. She's free from the fear of pregnancy, doesn't need a man to pay her mortgage, isn't necessarily wanting to build anything with a man, so she's FREE! If it is the bad boy that promises fun, laughter, and great sex, well then, it's the bad boy that she wants. Once a woman enters this stage in her life, and she feels little need to prove anything to the rest of y'all, then, to paraphrase Lena Horne, "she's free to do what she damn well pleases!" 

Let's recap. Women tend to choose men based on the stage they're in in life. When a woman just wanna have fun, the bad boy can be deliciously compelling. If she decides she wants to get married, if she's smart, the nice guy with some swag is what she holds out for. Once a woman has done all the stuff society tells her a so-called good woman does, the mature, financially and emotionally healthy woman tends to choose men who promise the best companionship, sex, and fun.

Smooches!
DeBora

DeBora M. Ricks
Author of Love Addicted: One Woman's Spiritual Journey through Emotional Dependency

To book me to speak, send emails to info@deboraricks.com
We'll be discussing my book, Love Addicted, and the impact of fatherlessness on intimate relationships  Thursday, May 10 from 9-10 PM on The Real Women of Baltimore Radio Show at WOLB 1010 AM and online at wolbbaltimore.com