Have You Let Yourself Go?

I'm a people watcher, right. I not only watch men...because I love the sight and smell of masculinity. But I observe women too, and listen to their desires, complaints, hopes, longings. I particularly pay attention to women forty and over...because I'm over forty and most, though not all, of my women friends are too. So I'm writing this post to the forty and over club of women. 

Time and time again I hear women say they want a man. In my circles we know we get what we want by attraction. Well, long before the words "Law of Attraction" was a household phrase women were using our feminine power to attract men. See, before the women's movement hoodwinked us into believing our femininity was a liability and that to be powerful in the world we had to be hard,  aggressive, manly, women embraced and enjoyed their femininity. Women acknowledged that men had certain kinds of power. They also knew as women they had other kinds of power. And that power is power. Then they  burned their bras in the streets, donned pinstriped pantsuits, cummerbunds, and shoulder pads, secured that coveted corner office,  brokered deals in corporate America as effectively as men did only to forget how wonderfully and magically we were made AS women...and how much fun it is to be one. 

Okay, why am I writing this post? Truth is I see so many women suffering in a myriad of ways all because they've forgotten their feminine power and radiance. So this is for women who want to amp up their magnetic powers, women who desire to attract more male attention and ain't afraid to own it, women who want to embrace their femininity unapologetically. If you're a heterosexual woman, you desire the company of a man. Well, I can't guarantee that what you read here will help you land, secure and lock down The One, but I can tell you this, if you take to heart what I'm saying here I promise you that your POOL of potential partners will explode. Yes, that's right. You'll have options. Now tell me, what woman in her right mind doesn't want options? Even if you never ever use any of them, it feels good and right to have more of them, right? Because the more options you have, the better your chances are at attracting the man that's just right for you. 

Did I mention that I was a people watcher? Well, I've seen stunning, smart, magnetic women in their 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s and beyond who are still turning the heads of men. And turning some down too! See, they got OPTIONS baby! Every woman has that power. But if we're to use it we have to remember we got it. 

Then there's the Invisible Woman. She blends in, rather than blend out. If you're blending in with your surroundings it goes without saying you won't be seen...by men. I've observed that women do three things that make them invisible to men. You ready? Here goes.

Many women:

1. Let themselves go 

2. Let their appearance become stale and obsolete 

3. Forget they are women 

By the way, if men notice you you can bet your bottom dollar that women do. Women admire, envy, are jealous of, threatened and inspired by other compelling women. If women don't notice you, it's not likely that men see you. To tell you the truth, since I'm at it, if other women dismiss you, especially when they're with their Boo, you're invisible. That's not good, particularly if you're in the market for a man. Not any other woman's man, but your Mr. Right. 

Alright, let's get back to the Invisible Woman. 

1. How do you know you've let yourself go? Well, you've let yourself go when you foolishly think that now that your man has said "I Do" you don't anymore. That is, you don't put "that shiny stuff" on your lips anymore. You don't break a sweat in the gym or bedroom...cuz you might mess up your hair. You don't wear sexy heels anymore. You don't talk soft and sweet anymore. You don't keep a bit of mystery in the air anymore. In sum, you don't care how you look or who you be any longer because, to steal a line out of the movie The Color Purple, you can say "IIIs marriedddd Nooooow!"  Big, BIG mistake! In fact, I think married women should actually step up the care of themselves because "security," children, mortgages, seeing you every day and night can get predicable and boring. Your looking and smelling good gives your man something beautiful to look forward to when he thinks about home. (Does this sound sexist? Maybe. Is it real? Absolutely! Men ought to do the same for their women, keep it right, tight, and smelling good.) 

Okay, back to how to know if you've let yourself go. You've let yourself go if you get fat and out of shape then endlessly whine about how shallow men are and repeatedly ask "why can't they just love me for who I am on the inside?" HaaHaaHaa! That's Hiiiilarious. Men are visual creatures. Even if they are madly in love with your insides they want and need to lust after your outsides. And if you're smart, you want this too. Please stop being mad because men are visual. Accept it. It is what it is. Shucks, just for the record, we're visual too. Ain't Idris Elba fine? Don't you love the sight of Hill Harper? Neither one of these fine specimen are fat and out of shape. So stop playing ladies. Okay, let's get back on track. 

Keep it right and tight ladies. Even if you're married, looking hot and juicy doesn't allow your man to forget that "she's got options." This keeps him on his toes.  One of the worst things a woman can do to her relationship is give her man reason to think if he leaves she'll have a hard time "replacing" him. Well, when you don't doll yourself up on a regular basis you make it much easier for your man to take you for granted. If he takes you for granted he'll start looking elsewhere for thrills. A beautiful woman is interesting to a man. Stay beautiful. Not just for him, but for you too. You'll feel more powerful, sexy and confident. Confidence is the supreme turn-on. 

2. How do you know your appearance is stale and obsolete? Well, why don't we investigate with a few questions. Did you discover decades ago the perfect hairstyle and ain't no way you're about to try anything new? Are you afraid of getting your hair cut in a style? Did someone tell you that clothes always come back in style so you kept your wardrobe from the 70s, 80s and 90s and by George you can still fit them? Do you tend to choose comfort over style...over and over again? When you hang with fly women your age do people sometimes think you're those women's mother? Do you rarely hear compliments from men on how beautiful or pretty you look? If you answered yes to any one of these questions, you might be dressing like an old lady. My mother is 90 years old and she doesn't dress like an old lady! Old ladies look like they smell stale and old and like mothballs. Men aren't attracted to old ladies. One of my cousins, Louise, met a man and got married again. She's 75! She doesn't dress like an old lady. 

3. How does a woman forget she's a woman? I know a woman who has gorgeous legs...who rarely wears a dress. I know women who walk like men. I know women who are good-looking, stylish, and smart who, energetically speaking, don't realize they are women. In conversation with men, as I prepared to do my Sweet & Juicy Woman Seminar, I learned what makes a woman compelling to a man. More than a few men said the sexiest women are women who clearly enjoy BEING women. I get it. A woman who relishes her womanness is one who shows appreciation for those attributes that make her woman. See, what men adore about women are the things that they don't have or do. A guy I dated loved watching me put lipstick on. Another beau would watch me walk to my car because just for him I'd walk in a way that made my butt bounce. I did it just to put a smile on his face and make him go, "Damn baby, walk that walk!" Men adore curves, the swing and sway of a woman's hips, sweet smells (studies say vanilla especially), manicured nails, smokey eyes, luscious lips, smooth and soft skin, a radiant smile and a happy disposition. Ladies, let him wear the pants, you wear your dresses and heels, especially on a date. Walk that walk. Love your body, adore your femaleness, bask in your own light...and notice how much more men do. When a woman embraces and enjoys her femininity she radiates a brilliant Light from within; men become like a moth to this Light. 

So, there you have it.

Smooches!

DeBora

Coming Soon! 

The Sweet and Juicy Woman TeleSeminar. In this seminar you'll learn:

• What makes men absolutely adore a woman
• How to be a Being of Light and how it transforms your relationship with men 
• How to amp up your magnetic ability to attract  
• The power of standing in your Feminine Power  
• How to feel good naked
• What men really want from women sexually   
• and more! 

Have you let yourself go? Do you too often feel like the Invisible Woman in the room? For one-on-one coaching or a one time consultation about your personal style, visit www.DeBoraRicks.com, go to the Contact Page and send me a message. 

______________________________________________________

DeBora M. Ricks, Author of Love Addicted: One Woman's Spiritual JournJey through Emotional Dependency and the upcoming book, Why Did He Break Up With Me? Lessons in Love, Loss and Letting Go. To read excerpts and buy copies, go to www.DeBoraRicks.com 

Can a Woman be too Strong?

A couple of years ago I went on a One Love Women's Retreat to Jamaica with about nine dynamic sisters. We stayed five days in St. Ann Parish. Daily, reggae music and the smell of Jamaican cuisine wafted through the air. The lush, expansive grounds of the beautiful, rustic and simply adorned retreat lodge was soothing to the soul, the local food, prepared by two Jamaican women who knew their way around a stove, was to live for.  We were in heaven.

Every day we ventured out for a taste of Jamaica. One day we jet skied on the beach. Another day we climbed Dunn's River Falls. I did it barefooted. Yeah, I was showing off. Plus, I wanted to see what I was made of, to see if all the exercising I do was paying dividends. 

It was, however, our trek all the way across the island to St. Mary Parish that inspired this blog. Partially  inspired it, since I have more observations like this. Uh, well, we didn't actually trek, but were driven by Fredrick of Fred Juta Tours Jamaica. There we were in more mountains, staying in the sweetest little, pastel pink walled hotel built right on top of a rushing river, scrumptious delicious food, and a throng of Jamaican men waiting outside to serve us. Yep, the closest thing to heaven that I can think of...at least in those moments. 

A tiny bit of back story. I'd been working on my second book about breakups. Just as significantly, I'd been self-examining, to see where I was getting in my own way re: my intimate relationships with men. One or two men told me I sometimes talk too much and thus listen too little. I'd been told I can be argumentative and difficult. Yep, too often I needed to have the last word. Though I embrace my strength, there have been times when I wanted nothing more than to be soft and sweet and let my man be the strong one. But thanks to my well-meaning mother, who told her daughters to "never let 'em ('em being men) see you cry," most often I'd act like a man when inside I was feeling like a baby. A baby that needed to cry and be consoled and comforted by her man. 

Thank goodness, I'm learning some things...and unlearning other stuff. 

Well, let's get on back to Jamaica. So, there we were the next morning, refreshed, in our bikinis and bathing suits, towels in hands, ready to be escorted up the mountain so we could get ourselves a proper massage in the amazing hot springs of Jamaica. Like I said, we were in heaven. I say "proper" because allegedly the hotel offered massages and hot spring baths in their sterile, concrete stalls. But if you ever venture on down yonder there to St. Mary Parish, Jamaica get on out there with the Mountain Men. They give you the works, properly, and never once touch you inappropriately. Enough said about that.

The "chief," a bearded yet dignified older Jamaican man, matched each woman up with a man. I was blessed to get the sweetest little (as in tall and lean) Bob Marley look-a-like. Another sister got John Legend's twin. The brothers extended and raised their right hand, an invitation for us to place ours into theirs. I did so happily. Bob, er, I mean Ronald held my hand high, like I was royalty, as he ever so gingerly led me up the rough mountains. Wait! Is there trouble in paradise? Well, yeah. Some of the sisters refused the extended hands of their men. Just turned their noses up at the brothers. So, alone, unsupported, and unaided they stumbled up the rough, unfamiliar terrain. One  almost fell on her face. Then she had a change in mind. She gave up her "I don't need your help" posturing and let "her" man help her. She got smart. 

This scenario, and many others like it, got me pondering these questions:

• Are sisters too strong for our own good? 
• Does being strong require that we also be independent to a fault? 
• Is our strength driving a wedge between us and black men? 

Trust me, I have lots more question like these but I'll stop here. At least until the next blog.

Listen, we got history. That is, black women were forced to be "strong, independent" folks because too often our men abandoned us and their children. Babies gotta eat! Everybody needs some place to lay their heads at night. Sisters step up to the doggone plate and Get 'er Done! Still, are brothers asking too much to hope that more sisters will reclaim our softer, sweeter, surrendering selves? I'm just asking. 

Back in March I did a Sweet & Juicy Woman Seminar at the Women's Expo. After the seminar, a sister came up to me. She'd been married for twenty years. She said she knew she was "hard" but she didn't know how not to be. I understood. If you can relate, read my blog, The Secret to Charming and Enchanting Men. That's a good start. And stay tuned as I share more on this and similar topics. 

Let's get juicy! 

DeBora 

DeBora M. Ricks, Speaker, Attorney and Author of the upcoming book, Why Did He Break Up With Me? Lessons in Love, Loss & Letting Go. Read an excerpt WDHBUWM? 

You may also get my book, Love Addicted, on my website as an e-book. Go to www.DeBoraRicks.com

Why Nice Guys Finish Last, Part 2

The responses that I got from folks about my first installment of Why Nice Guys Finish Last were interesting. Like I stated in Part 1, I wrote the piece to help men. And some were pleased, said I helped them to understand a few things. One gentleman said, "it's seldom that a woman writes anything for the empowerment of men." Others were saddened by the piece, said they felt defeated and deflated. But don't despair. Nice guys don't always finish last. Read on to see when nice guys advance to the front of the line. Several women said I was spot on. A few women vehemently disagreed with me. I'll repeat, I wrote these posts, particularly Part 1, to help the man who is baffled about the choices women tend to make in men, even as they insist that all they want is a nice guy.

First, let me clear a few things up. A "nice guy" is not to be confused with a "good man." To tell you the truth, I can not begin to tell you what a good man is. That is, I can only tell you what I consider a good man. What some women call a good man has more do with what he has than who he is. I remember a friend who would only date professional men--doctors and lawyers and Indian Chiefs. Obviously, she considered these men good. Perhaps they were good men, to some woman. But to her? Not so much. At least not as far as I could see. One New Year's Eve when me and my beau went to fetch her and her date to attend a party she came to the door looking sad and downtrodden. Her "good man" had stood her up. I think this was her doctor guy. How good is a man who isn't even there for you? Who cares that he drives a Mercedes, wears Armani suits, has a six-figure income, and could play Michael Ealy's double in the next Steve Harvey's movie. If he's not there for you, then... Excuse me, that's another blog. 

So, a nice guy could be a good man. A bad boy, as I describe a bad boy, could also be a good man. It really depends on the woman.  

Okay, let's move forward. 

A mature woman in a relationship forums that I did said, in response to my question, "What do women want in a man?" said, "It depends on a woman's age." Another woman chimed in and said, "I would say it depends not on a woman's age but the stage she's in in her life." I agree with them both and think it's a tad of both. Consequently, what kind of man suits a woman's fancy will largely depend on where a woman in her life. Where she is--if she's being true to her needs rather than trying to live up to societal dictates or the expectations of others--will influence what kind of man she chooses to spend her days and nights with. 

Let me explain...by talking a bit about me. 

When I was in my twenties, in college, fresh off the steps and green as a cucumber about life, bad boys intrigued me. Men who seemed to know where they were going and what plane to board to get there fascinated me. The last thing I needed was a man as scared and timid as me. "Nice guys need not apply," was my credo. Well, I met a bad boy in college, UMBC, and fell madly in love with him. Chance didn't look like the proverbial bad boy. He didn't do drugs. Nor did he sling them. He didn't beat women and mistreat children. Neither had he ever spent time in jail. Chance, a frat brother, had confidence, was a leader, and knew how to take charge when a girl needed him to take charge.

You can read more about Chance in my first book, Love Addicted.

After college, I met Avery. I might be odd in that I never really pined for matrimony. But when I did consider getting married I'd have to admit that I wasn't much concerned with whether my intended was skilled at talking dirty or that he embodied danger. In fact, what appealed to me about Avery might be deemed the opposite of danger. I saw Avery as someone I could count on, someone who I could build something with, someone who was predictable and therefore perfect for me. So, my taste in men changed. He still had to be someone that I could imagine waking up to but now I insisted that he think and behave like a family man. When I think "bad boy" I don't also think marriage. The woman in marriage mode wants a man she can rely on, a man who's going to bring home the bacon, a man who is ready to build something with her. My husband, Avery, was a nice guy. The quality that stood out to me even then was how stable, reliable and consistent he was. Yes, when a woman is ready to settle in, to get married, to grow with a man, nice guys move to the front of the line. We still, however, want our nice guy to have some bad boy tendency when it comes to taking charge and taking us to bed.

Oh yeah, there's also more about Avery in Love Addicted.

We hook up with another person for a myriad of reasons: Maybe we want to banish loneliness. Perhaps we're looking to build something--a family, a house, a business and we imagine it would be easier and more fun to do it with another. Perhaps we desire clever conversation, over the moon sex, laugh out loud  fun and merriment, a hand-dance partner, a traveling companion. Which brings me to yet another stage in a woman's life. Very often when a woman has done all the above--been married, raised children, learned how to take care of herself emotionally and financially--her taste in men changes again. Why? Because her needs have changed. A mature woman with her own money and stuff, who knows who she is, what she wants, what matters most concerns herself less and less with a man's stuff, degrees, titles, and bank account. With fewer years ahead than behind her, she now wants to live a bit more on the edge. Bad boys tend to make wonderful play dates. And there's no need for adult supervision. Everybody's grown. 

This also must be said. A mature woman has undoubtedly experienced her share of betrayals, losses, disappointments, heart aches and heart breaks in love and relationships. If she has grown better, rather than bitter, now she's ready to live her life on her terms. Bad boys can make great playmates. 

And another thing. As a healthy woman matures, sex can get better and better and better. She's free from the fear of pregnancy, doesn't need a man to pay her mortgage, isn't necessarily wanting to build anything with a man, so she's FREE! If it is the bad boy that promises fun, laughter, and great sex, well then, it's the bad boy that she wants. Once a woman enters this stage in her life, and she feels little need to prove anything to the rest of y'all, then, to paraphrase Lena Horne, "she's free to do what she damn well pleases!" 

Let's recap. Women tend to choose men based on the stage they're in in life. When a woman just wanna have fun, the bad boy can be deliciously compelling. If she decides she wants to get married, if she's smart, the nice guy with some swag is what she holds out for. Once a woman has done all the stuff society tells her a so-called good woman does, the mature, financially and emotionally healthy woman tends to choose men who promise the best companionship, sex, and fun.

Smooches!
DeBora

DeBora M. Ricks
Author of Love Addicted: One Woman's Spiritual Journey through Emotional Dependency

To book me to speak, send emails to info@deboraricks.com
We'll be discussing my book, Love Addicted, and the impact of fatherlessness on intimate relationships  Thursday, May 10 from 9-10 PM on The Real Women of Baltimore Radio Show at WOLB 1010 AM and online at wolbbaltimore.com 

Why Nice Guys Finish Last, Part 1

I've been thinking about writing a blog on this topic for some time now. Then I facilitated a relationship forum for an organization and once again this topic surfaced. Generally speaking, women will have questions about men that we want answers to. This one though is in response to an issue that men sneak into conversations about relationships. So, I got answers. At the very least I will attempt to shed  some light on the matter. Know, like all of my blogs, this is my opinion. Another woman might feel completely different about this. Yet, I think what I share will enlighten a few men. 

Okay, let's dive in. Every time I hear my girl Mary J. Blige croon, "Bad boys ain't no good and good boys ain't no fun," I smile and nod my head knowingly. The issue that I alluded to early on is really a question that many "good boys" ask, that is, they want to know "Why DO nice guys finish last?" I appreciate their confusion.  Why, they want to know ladies, do we insist that we want a nice guy...but end up sleeping with and hooking up with bad boys? Even if I'm not talking to you, you certainly have a girlfriend for whom this is true. One "nice guy" is convinced that because the media criminalizes black men perfectly respectable women now desire and therefore choose thugs over nice guys like him. One young fella recently said to me, "Women talk about wanting a certain kind of man but that's not who they're sleeping with." 

I certainly cannot speak for all women but I will attempt to help nice guys understand what's going on here. First, let's be clear about these distinctions. Being a "bad boy" is NOT necessarily synonymous with being a thug, gangsta, player, womanizer, ex-offender, drug dealer, or abuser. Not necessarily. I must confess, however, I have been involved with my fair share of womanizer, players, and ex-offenders. And yet it wasn't their wayward behavior that charmed me. It was something else, largely their swag, wit, proclivity for fun, and sex appeal. It's the book reading bad boys who are curious, intelligent, spiritual, masculine, fun, honest, and passionate about life that I find supremely sexy these days. Well, uh, you might call these reformed bad boys. Or bad boys gone good. Get this, I recently learned that my father was a bad boy, so says a former therapist. For goodness sakes, the man was a Pentecostal minister! So what? she said. Bad boys come from all walks of life. In any event, good ole dad is partially to blame for my tendency towards bad boys. But that's enough about me, back to what constitutes a bad boy. Let's approach it this way. I'll list the reasons why I think women are attracted to bad boys. Then I'll tell you why nice guys finish last.

Why women love bad boys: 

• Women secretly like danger. Bad boys embody danger. It oozes from their muscles and pores. 
• Bad boys make a woman want to be good to them, want to do what they want them to do; that is, they inspire a woman to give in to them.
• Women are nurturers. Women want to take care of the bad boy. Or tame him. Probably a bit of both.
• The woman who adores men love the masculine energy, bad boys showcase and exploit their masculinity in the way they walk and talk.
• Women like to see, feel, and experience a man's strength and maleness. In a man's presence we want to feel more womanly. The more masculine energy a man exudes, the more feminine a woman feels.
• Bad boys are skilled at "talking dirty." 
• Bad boys can be very vocal and demonstrative about their appreciation of the female anatomy. 
• Bad boys can be elusive, emotionally. Women enjoy a challenge. Women like having to use their womanly wiles from time to time to get a man to buckle. 
• Bad boys are FUN! Shucks, sometimes a girl just wanna have fun.
• Bad boys are raw. Raw can be sexy.   
• Bad boys have swag. What is swag? Swag is confidence that borders on cockiness with a dab of aggression thrown in for good measure. The opposite of swag is timidity. I don't know a woman alive who gets turned on by timidity in a man. 
• Bad boys got flava. They sport their unique style, whether the world approves or not.
• With a bad boy a woman feels safe and protected, like if something crazy jumped off when they're out and about he'll handle bizness. 
• Last, but certainly not least, bad boys "promise" a woman she'll be satisfied in bed. No, it's not that they brag about it. It's in their swag.  A man's swag tells a woman, "If you ever let me touch you, I'll rock your world." Yes, sex is that powerful and compelling. As if you didn't know. 

This isn't an exhaustive list. But it should give the nice guy some insight into why women fall for bad boys. 

Now, let me be clear. What some men think is a nice guy is simply a self-absorbed, humorless, much too serious fella who doesn't understand what turns women on. That said, some men who have spent a lot years studying and working their way up the corporate ladder fall into the nice guy category. The time bad boys were studying women and learning ways to get in their heads and please them in bed, the nice guy was studying business administration and computer science. Consequently, the nice guy can be at a disadvantage when it comes to wooing a woman. I for one like nice guys. Nice guys with a healthy dose of swag advance to the front of any line I'm forming. 

In any event, let me share why I think nice guys finish last: 

• Nice guys live in their heads too much, rather than their senses, heart, and soul.
• Nice guys don't know when to ask permission and when to just take charge. 
• Nice guys often try too hard to please. 
• Nice guys are often FUN impaired.
• Nice guys believe too much of what women say about what we want. We lie, to ourselves about what we want. Not deliberately do women lie. But women lie because we're not always ready to tell you how we really feel. Women want men to intuit a lot of stuff. I know, it's not logical. But love and matters of the heart aren't logical. 
• Nice guys aren't mysterious or dangerous. Women like both. 
• Nice guys talk too much about some things and too little about other things; like too much about themselves and their jobs and not enough about the woman, how delectable and fine she is, and light and fun stuff.
• Even strong, independent, powerful women desire to be swept off their feet and ravished in the bedroom. Nice guys don't make a woman imagine he can pull such a feat off.

All "nice guys" aren't nice. That is, some so-called nice guys are educated, degreed, self-absorbed, arrogant, disrespectful bores who only label themselves nice guys because they need an excuse for why they're not fairing so well with the ladies. By the way, real nice guys, once they tweak a few things that tend to land them in the dreaded "friend zone" can move to the head of the line with women.

Oh, and all "bad boys" aren't all bad. Some bad boys are good boys in disguise. Yep, these guys wear bad boy gear, attitudes, postures and gestures because being bad is cool, and women like it. Other bad boys have a "come to Jesus" experience or just grow tired of their womanizing, thuggish, criminal ways and finally settle down. If they're not all worn out from the game and still got swag left, swag is always en vogue. Some woman will want him. 

Women favor bad boys, partially, because of Hollywood. American movies glorify the bad boy. Think the parts portrayed by Will Smith, Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Harrison Ford, Samuel L. Jackson and more and more, Denzel Washington. It's the bad boy that always accomplishes the impossible mission, gets the beautiful woman, and ends up rich and famous and celebrated. Bad boys do what they gotta do, by any means necessary. A do-what-you-gotta-do approach to life (for me, that does not include criminal behavior) is a characteristic women reserve for "real" men.

I have more to say on this topic, so look for Part 2 to Why Nice Guys Finish Last. I'll tell you the fundamental reason why women fall for bad boys and what happens to a woman that can change her choices in men. If you have some thoughts on this topic, do leave a comment. 

Smooches!
DeBora M. Ricks
Author/Speaker/Attorney
www.DeBoraRicks.com