7 Things I Wish Men Knew

I often write about what women need to know about charming and enchanting men, attracting and loving a man, and how to keep it right and tight.  But I'm a heterosexual woman who has been in relationships with men who thought they were smarter about love and relationships than they really were. Perhaps if these men knew the things I'm about to share, they might experience more success in their intimate relationships.

Okay, here are 7 things I wish men knew: 

1. The difference between a determined woman and a desperate one 
When I love a man, I, uh, love him. If I commit to him, well then I'm committed. Sure, once upon a time I was a sick little love junkie. (Wrote a book about it, want to read it?) Anyhoo, it saddens me that too many brothers simply cannot distinguish a woman determined to make love work with them from a desperate one. Get this, if a woman has a VaJJ...she can get another man quicker than you can download the latest Smartphone app. Know the difference between a woman who wants you and one who needs you. 

2. A car, a house, a Bank of America savings account don't give you a license to take me for granted  
There's a beliefs swirling among black men and women that there's a woeful shortage in good black men.  Well, I've been involved with a couple of brothers, who, because they had a little somethin' somethin' they took me for granted. One guy, from time to time, would even remind me that I wasn't the only woman that wanted him. Like Jamie Foxx, he wanted me to know he had options. I only wish he understood that I too had options and if he ever decided to take me granted it won't matter how pretty his car is, he too could be replaced. 

3. It's your job, not mine 
It's not my job to take care of you emotionally. Sure, I'll be there for you, be your soft place to fall, be your friend, confidante, lover, partner, cheerleader, supporter. But it's not my job to make you happy, feel whole, and grow your self-esteem. People talk plenty about needy women, but let's tell the truth: there are loads of needy little boys masquerading as men. Only neediness in men is often camouflaged by fits of anger and efforts to control  and manipulate his woman. I wish more men embraced spirituality and nurtured a relationship with a God of their understanding so that they can find happiness, wholeness and a sense of self in God. 

4.  You don't get to abuse me in the name of love 
One guy I tried to love would blow up at the slightest "infraction." He'd yell, pound his fist into his palm, and curse. I started to feel unsafe with him. I had to make him black history. Just because you got issues--and who doesn't--you don't get to verbally abuse me. If you can control your emotions with your boss and strangers, then you can learn to control them with me. I won't be your psychological punching bag under no circumstances. I wish you'd remember that I am a woman and I need your sweetness and protection. I'm not to be hurt, misused or abused. 

5. When to turn in their "player" card

A bunch of men are going to die alone, like the man who had a heart attack and wasn't missed until his dead body stank up his apartment complex. An old player is a sad sight indeed. They run from woman to woman, all because they are afraid. Afraid to be known. Afraid they're unlovable. Afraid they're not enough. I wish the old players would grow up! 

6. They're not that clever 
Just because a woman doesn't call you on your every lie doesn't mean she's asleep to them. A woman's intuition is better than the best GPS. I wish men were smart enough to know that your woman knows when you're lying. Remember the guy who thought himself a prize? Well, he was so arrogant he was stupid. He would tell lies and half-truths, thinking he was one step ahead me. It was a wrap when he cheated on me, uh, I mean on his character, and fed me 3-4 lies within minutes. I felt sad for him. He thought he was soooooo clever and smooth. Years later he's still trying to reel me back in. I wish he'd known a good thing when he had it and would have had the integrity required to keep it. 

7. How to be loved  

Everybody say they want somebody to love...but truth be told, lots of people don't know how to be loved. If a man doesn't love himself, he won't let anyone else love him. When we don't feel lovable, we sabotage our relationships with chaos, drama, constant complaining, whining, arguments. Truth is, some men just don't know how to let a woman love them. I wish they would learn to love themselves so they can let somebody else love them. 

Smooches! 

DeBora M. Ricks
Author of Why Did He Break Up With Me? Lessons in Love, Loss & Letting Go
Visit my website!

Why You Aren't Attracting Men

This is me, at 56! Who's invisible? 

Audrey Edwards had sex with an old flame.  She wrote about it in ESSENCE magazine. So what, right? Well, it's deemed newsworthy because Edwards is over fifty.  Per some folks (I'm not one of them), it's no small feat for a woman over fifty to get laid. Audrey Chapman, a therapist who does a relationship show on WHUR,  interviewed Edwards. I'd read Edwards article and am in my fifties, so I couldn't wait to hear their discussion.

I learned some things. Or rather, some things were confirmed. The mature male listeners largely called in to say they really would like to date women their age, fifty and over, but such women are no longer sweet and juicy. My choice of words. "Most women over fifty have let themselves go," one man said nicely. On top of that, they are usually no longer sweet. What's the opposite of sweet? Yep, bitter. One guy said he was in his sixties and buffed. He wants a woman who works out.

A few women called in too. Women over fifty. Their common complaint was that they felt invisible and had a tough time attracting and meeting men. Well, if men don't see you...that would explain why they don't approach and ask you for your digits. These women were confused. They didn't know why they were being overlooked. One woman said she was bitter, had decided she no longer had any use for men but she just couldn't figure out why she was still single. She's the only one in the dark about this.

Here's why I'm writing this piece. I want women to take their power back. If you're under fifty, get your mind right NOW! If you're over fifty, stop giving in to the myth that you're old, invisible, and undesirable.

See, old is a state of mind. When a woman believes she can be beautiful, sexy, and desirable at any age, well then she will be beautiful, sexy, and desirable even as the years accumulate.

When a friend of mine entered her thirties she prepared to be fat. One summer she went shopping and bought herself a closet full of long moo-moos, to cover her soon to be fat legs. She told me, "DeBora, I just assumed that getting fat came with growing another year older." We both burst out laughing. Such a thought never crossed my mind. But I realized she wasn't alone in how she thought about maturing.

"Then I met you," she said.

She calls me her "secret weapon." I inspired her to exercise and she lost 30 pounds! Man, she looks amazing too! She knocked fifteen years off her looks. No kidding.

So, this is for you. If you're a woman over a certain age and you're having trouble attracting men I have something for you. If you want men falling all over themselves to get to you, adopt these "strategies."

1. Cultivate a Lightness of Being. If you're bitter, jaded, cynical, or angry then you got some folks to forgive. Begin with you. Then your daddy. Next your exes. Forgive yourself for ALL the so-called bad choices you made in men. Really, sweetie, there's no such thing as the wrong man. Every man comes to teach you something about yourself and life. Unforgiveness weighs you down. Being light, playful, fun, and easy to love makes a woman magical and magnetic and compelling. Men of all ages will be drawn to you. 
2. Change your mindset about "aging." In fact, stop thinking about your age altogether. If you're one of those women that's always talking about "I can't wear this because I'm old" or is famous for saying stuff like, "when you get to be MY age such and such," then your thoughts are aging you. Yep, your THOUGHTS are making you old. Wear what feels good, looks good, and for goodness sakes, what's contemporary or classic. I don't mean trendy. I mean let go of those clothes you wore in the 70s and 80s. Oh, while I'm at it, update your hairstyle. What worked for you 20 years ago probably dates you now. Get fresh. 
3. Take care of your Temple. Yes, exercise. Sorry, but you can't escape it. Exercise is one of the most "youthing" things you can do. It's truly the fountain of youth. Strength train. Jump rope. Do cardio. Stretch. Oh, and eat right. I eat a Mediterranean Diet. If you don't know what that is, Google it. 

Don't believe everything you read or hear. Men love women. When a woman takes care of herself in mind, body, and spirit...like good wine she grows better with the years. Such a woman has no problem attracting men. Let me tell ya, I speak from experience.

Smooches! 

DeBora
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DeBora M. Ricks

Author of Why Did He Break Up With Me?

Visit me on the web!

I Dropped the Ball

Lebron James Picked up the Ball

In a radio interview I made an excuse as to why I hadn't blogged for months. "I'm working on getting a Wordpress blog, for more visibility," I said. That's true. And still, even as those words rolled off my tongue something in me knew I was making an excuse. Something in me knew the truth: I'd dropped the ball. I'd dropped the ball when I stopped blogging, when I ceased to do something that I'd committed to doing, something that matters to me, something I'm meant to do, something that honors the commitment that I made to myself to give to the world through the written word.

So, let me confess the truth to you: I dropped the ball. That's what came to me as I walked through Druid Hill Park the other day. Before I fessed up though, I beat myself up. You understand, we tend to beat ourselves up when don't keep the commitments we make...to ourselves. Or we fail to live up to our own self-concept. As soon as I was able to tell myself the truth not only did I feel better but I freed myself to do something about the dropped ball.

What's more I had an epiphany. Yes, I'd dropped the ball. So has Lebron James. Still James is deemed one of the best basketball players of all times. Ray Lewis has dropped his share of balls. Still he took the Baltimore Ravens to the Super Bowl. James and Lewis are winners. You know why? They are winners because when they drop a ball they bend down and pick it
up. Yup, that's what winners do. Winners don't make excuses for why they dropped the ball. Winners don't stand there staring at the ball on the floor. Winners bend over and pick up the ball and keep playing the game.

Okay, you've dropped a ball or two too. But guess what, if you stay in the game you are playing to win. So the next time you drop a ball, waste no time explaining, lying, denying what you've done. Shucks, humans drop balls. Just make sure you stay in the game. Either pick the ball up, or decide it's not your ball to play. Whatever you do, stay in the game and play to win!

DeBora M. Ricks

Author/Speaker/Producer 

Why Did He Break Up With Me? Lessons in Love, Loss & Letting Go

Visit my website!

Sisters Gathering to Heal our Relationships

I know it's not easy to forgive. And yet, if we're to have sweet and juicy relationships we must forgive the people that hurt us. All of them. I forgave my charming, minister father for abusing and abandoning me; that single act changed the course of my life.

Spirit led me to put a call out to Sisters, black, white, Asian, Hispanic and any other race, to come, let's heal our relationships through FORGIVENESS. Here I share two of the healing mantras, Ho'oponopono and Healing Mantra Movement, with you. www.DeBoraRicks.com

Do You Love Enough to Leave?

Have you ever loved someone only to discover that your presence in their life was like kryptonite? That your leaving them would be for his and your highest and best good? Author of the groundbreaking book, The Road Less Travelled, M. Scott Peck, offers what I consider one of the best definitions of love that I've heard when he says "love is the willingness to extend oneself for the spiritual growth of oneself and another." 

Anybody who knows anything about drug addiction has heard the term "Enabler." What are Enablers? Enablers are caretakers and codependents and controllers, people who "over take" their loved ones lives with "care" and control. They "over" take care of others to avoid having to face their own emptiness, fears,  loneliness, dragons and demons. We can enable others, people we claim to love, to do more than abuse drugs and alcohol. We can enable a beloved to "use" whatever it is that they over indulge in to keep  from facing their dragons, dragons that must be faced if they are to grow and evolve into the people they are meant to be. Well, I've had a few enablers and I've been an enabler. 

Are you wondering if you're an enabler? You're an Enabler if: 

• you do things for your beloved that they ought to do for themselves. 
• you let a "grown" man or woman move in with you not because he or she is committed to building a life with you but they are homeless or about to be. 
• you never let your beloved hit rock bottom, whatever that is for them. 
• your beloved says he's too sick to report to work and you call in for him. 
• you regularly foot the bill, still your beloved gets to call himself an adult. 

Are you an Enabler? The above "quiz" can't tell you for sure if you're an Enabler but your intuition can, and does. We don't listen and take heed not because we're so in love. We don't listen because, by definition, an enabler is as dependent upon his beloved as she is on him. Only his dependence is emotional. 

Sometimes leaving is the most loving thing you can do for your beloved. Your beloved will never learn to stand on his or her own two feet so long as you carry them. If you can, let them down easy. But don't expect them to leave, at least not until they find another Enabler. No, you must give them and you the gift of leaving...so both of you can grow. 

Smooches!
DeBora
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DeBora M. Ricks, Author/Speaker
www.DeBoraRicks.com