As some of you may know, I’m working on another book. This time about breakups. I know a lot about breaking up…because I’ve had my share of them. I also know a good bit about how to recover from a breakup so that at the end of the day I’m that much closer to being a woman who can still love herself…even if the man I’d loved no longer loves me.
Most people, upon a breakup, compulsively reach for something or somebody to ease the pain that inevitable attends a breakup. I, however, must admit this: pain is natural, suffering is optional. These days, I get that I don’t have to suffer because someone made a new choice. I don’t have to think there’s something wrong with me or that I’m not enough or good enough. No matter what your soon to be ex screams at you, about your so-called deficits, you don’t have to let his or her opinions of you be yours.
When someone we love leaves us, it hurts. In an instant, our life has changed. What now? Even when it doesn’t feel like we do, we do have a choice about how we handle ourselves and our pain. Many men and women don’t miss a beat; they immediately jump right into another relationship. Because they’ve not given their heart and emotions time to heal, into that new relationship they drag the same baggage that caused the other relationship to break down. Or, they bed hop. Or, they attempt to numb the pain with drugs and alcohol. Or, they go shopping. Or, they do all of the above or several. These, all of them, are but bandages. Like my friend Harvey said, "When a woman sleeps with a man still pining for another woman, once that pain eases...just like a used bandaid she will be discarded." Ouch!
In the alternative, we can choose to go through the pain. To feel it. All of it. See, when you cover up your pain with a body or bottle, rather than purge yourself of it you merely postpone it. Pain is sort of like taxes, you either pay now or you pay later. Either way, you pay. The sooner you pay, the easier it is on your life. People who deal with their pain live fuller, happier, more abundant lives. If you, however, want to heal thyself then I suggest that you learn how to turn within. Ernest Holmes, the founder of the Science of Mind movement, offers us what he calls Affirmative Prayer.(Research it, or visit the Spiritual Empowerment Center on 22nd & Charles Streets, Baltimore, MD, where we teach it) To AP add some meditation and journaling. It works! Do everything you can to hold yourself and your ex in the light. Nobody’s wrong. Nobody’s bad. Nobody’s flawed. BE love…and you’ll never feel you're without love.
I have a friend who’s going through a breakup. This friend has decided to heal rather than ho. He has decided to heal rather than drink and drug. “You’re purging,” I told him. “Once you’re on the other side of this pain the sun will shine from the inside,” I added. I'm so proud of my friend because I've been there done that and know what self-love it takes to detox and heal rather than ho around and get high.
It takes courage, self-love and deep commitment to do the spiritual and emotional work that grows and prospers the soul, work that ultimately leads to greater self-love and intimacy with self and others. Trust me, I know from experience...it works!
Most people, upon a breakup, compulsively reach for something or somebody to ease the pain that inevitable attends a breakup. I, however, must admit this: pain is natural, suffering is optional. These days, I get that I don’t have to suffer because someone made a new choice. I don’t have to think there’s something wrong with me or that I’m not enough or good enough. No matter what your soon to be ex screams at you, about your so-called deficits, you don’t have to let his or her opinions of you be yours.
When someone we love leaves us, it hurts. In an instant, our life has changed. What now? Even when it doesn’t feel like we do, we do have a choice about how we handle ourselves and our pain. Many men and women don’t miss a beat; they immediately jump right into another relationship. Because they’ve not given their heart and emotions time to heal, into that new relationship they drag the same baggage that caused the other relationship to break down. Or, they bed hop. Or, they attempt to numb the pain with drugs and alcohol. Or, they go shopping. Or, they do all of the above or several. These, all of them, are but bandages. Like my friend Harvey said, "When a woman sleeps with a man still pining for another woman, once that pain eases...just like a used bandaid she will be discarded." Ouch!
In the alternative, we can choose to go through the pain. To feel it. All of it. See, when you cover up your pain with a body or bottle, rather than purge yourself of it you merely postpone it. Pain is sort of like taxes, you either pay now or you pay later. Either way, you pay. The sooner you pay, the easier it is on your life. People who deal with their pain live fuller, happier, more abundant lives. If you, however, want to heal thyself then I suggest that you learn how to turn within. Ernest Holmes, the founder of the Science of Mind movement, offers us what he calls Affirmative Prayer.(Research it, or visit the Spiritual Empowerment Center on 22nd & Charles Streets, Baltimore, MD, where we teach it) To AP add some meditation and journaling. It works! Do everything you can to hold yourself and your ex in the light. Nobody’s wrong. Nobody’s bad. Nobody’s flawed. BE love…and you’ll never feel you're without love.
I have a friend who’s going through a breakup. This friend has decided to heal rather than ho. He has decided to heal rather than drink and drug. “You’re purging,” I told him. “Once you’re on the other side of this pain the sun will shine from the inside,” I added. I'm so proud of my friend because I've been there done that and know what self-love it takes to detox and heal rather than ho around and get high.
It takes courage, self-love and deep commitment to do the spiritual and emotional work that grows and prospers the soul, work that ultimately leads to greater self-love and intimacy with self and others. Trust me, I know from experience...it works!
Yes! I love it! Today, I choose to love myself! You know Debora, I am a brother that never had the pleasure of being envolved in a healthy relationship because of my need to be nurtured by a woman and my lack of self LOVE. For the very first time in my life, I am saying yes to healing thyself. And when we say yes to one thing, we are saying no to another. Iam saying no to sex, drugs, romance and relatioships. Making a change in my life and marking the beginning of abstinence from compulsive and destructive behavior. The physical, mental, emotional, and often spiritual upheaval that generally accompanies this choice is called withdrawal. This moment in my life is very uncomfortable but I have faith that this pain of withdrawal is unique, special, even precious. This is a time that a part of me is trying to surface and have been for a very long time. I have been avoiding or postponing this pain for a long time and yet I have never been able to outrun it. I need to go through this withdrawal process to become a whole person. I need to meet myself and it must be experienced for me to realize or make real that potential life I so desire!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeletePeace
Wow! I believe we could be so much more than we are, that is we could MANIFEST much more, if we'd only be more willing to experience the inevitable pangs that come with growth. There's two kinds of pain: stuck pain, which is a slow dull ache that steals your peace and power. Then there's growing pains. They are deep, sharp, piercing pangs that...in time...will cease. Just on the other side of healing through facing our fears is a stronger, more resilient and powerful man or woman.
ReplyDeletePain waits for us, up the road, when we ignore it, mask and numb it. Or should I say, when we try to. You, my brother, are taking the road less travelled. This road, my dear friend, will birth something never before experienced or imagined by you! Stay the course. You have my love and support.
Hi Debora
ReplyDeleteI am going through a terrible breakup and I'm finally learning to love myself first. I have in the past done just about everything you said in your post to get over that someone. Your right it is a temporary band-aid. Breaking up with someone you love is very painful and it is a process to get over. I'm trying not to dull my pain with shopping which I love to do. Through prayer and God fearing women who are in my life is what is getting me through. I met you back in early Nov and loved your book. Thank you for your words of inspiration. I'm starting to see the other side of this pain and I'm so excited to see the new me slowly emerging!
Yes, breaking up is hard to do. It sounds like, however, you're staying the course and moving in the right direction...towards greater self love. What a blessing it is to have people who support you through difficult times, there as a new you emerge. And nothing works like prayer, journaling, meditation and sharing your pain with nonjudgmental, loving people. Not too long ago I went through an ugly breakup after a guy betrayed my trust. I adopted this mantra, "I deserve better than this! I deserve better than this!" I didn't know when or how better would knock on my door but it did. That breakup and my standing my ground about how I will and will not be treated grew my self-esteem...to a place where I could attract someone who treats me with love, respect, and consideration. Learning to love ourselves is an investment that pays off in every area of our life.
ReplyDeleteI'm so pleased that you liked my book Love Addicted. Stayed tuned for my next book, which is titled, interestingly, Why Did He Break Up With Me? I expect it to be available by February 2011.
Peace & Light, DeBora