If you want a man but don't have one, then you're choosing attitudes and behaviors that are keeping you from having what you say you want. We create our own reality; nobody's to blame but you if you're alone.
Quite honestly, I don't like using the word "blame." And yet, I'm using it because we often blame others, like men, when we are single. But there are beliefs and behaviors that you entertain that are the cause of your single status. It's not men, it's YOU!
Five reasons why you don't have a man:
1. You Got Baggage - many women in their 30s, 40s, 50s and even 60s have yet to finish their childhoods. They are still blaming their parents for ruining their chances at success in love and life. Some women are still bitterly angry at ex-husbands and old boyfriends who "did them wrong," broke their hearts, cheated on them, or left them for another woman. We all carry baggage. But some women have a carry-on, three suitcases and a trunk...that need to be checked. People with lots of baggage are hard to love. They don't trust. They are blamers, whiners, and victims. How do we check our baggage? We FORGIVE and LET GO of the past and assume total responsibility for the quality of our life.
2. You Gave Up on Men - After hurt after hurt, some women have simply given up hope of ever being in a deeply satisfying relationship with a man. Some have completely turned away from men and turned to women. No judgment here. And yet, if a woman's reason for getting in a relationship with another woman is fueled by her profound disappointment in men, one must ask, "Where has she deposited this bitterness? Is it showing up in her same sex relationship, contaminating it?" Other women turn to Jesus. I write about a woman in my new book, Why Did He Break Up With Me?, who, after paying a couple of thousand dollars a month to have a man's companionship, finally gave up on men altogether and fell in love with Jesus and the church. Boy was she bitter. She said, pointing to the concrete, "My heart is as hard as that." Good thing Jesus is Jesus because he sure has His work cut out for him.
3. You Let Yourself Go - If I hear another out of shape woman lament, "Why can't they just accept me for who I am?" I'ma get ugly and tell them the truth, which is this: Men are visual creatures. They like women who look good. Women who exercise some discipline around what they eat--and exercise their bodies--are more attractive to men. Sure, every woman wants to be loved for something more than her dangerous curves and luscious lips, but if you're insisting that men not like what they like, not prefer fit and toned bodies over fat and fluffy, well uh, you're wasting brain cells. Get thee butt to the gym or park before January 2012! And stop eating emotionally, to fill voids that food can't possibly fill. Instead, find out what brings you joy and fulfillment and get busy doing those things. And not another cookie today!
4. You Limit Your Options - I've loved a couple of white men. I'm a Cougar and proud of it! Younger men adore me. I exercise my options...because I can. The black woman who's single and wanting to get hitched but turns her nose up at other race and younger men might want to ask herself, "What am I afraid of?" While the loyal to black men sister is sitting home on Saturday night watching reruns of Saturday Night Live a black man is making love to an Asian woman. Stop limiting yourself. Sure, ultimately you might end up with a fine black man. But there's no need to proclaim to all the world, "I don't like white men. I don't want no younger man." Embrace your power to date, love and marry whomever you please and notice how much more juice you have with the brothers.
5. You're Afraid to be Sexy - 9 out of 10 men say what makes a woman sexy is--drum roll please--confidence. What this means is that no matter how you look, you can be a man magnet. Yes, it's that simple. Not arrogance. Not cockiness. Not diva attitude but confidence. I've got one sure way to not only show confidence but grow your talent for dealing with men, flirt and be friendly. I'm amazed at how many women claim they'd like a man in their life but all day long reject men left and right just because these men don't appeal to them as boyfriend or husband material. Ridiculous! If a homeless man gives you a compliment, smile and say, "thank you." Why not? Ain't he a man? Can't he see beauty? Sexy isn't about tight clothes and exposed cleavage. I get loads of compliments from men when I'm dressed for court. A confident woman is feminine, soft, confident, fun and enchanting. She enjoys being a woman, and it shows!
Accepting that it's not men but you who dictates whether you're single or in a relationship puts the power back in your hands, where it belongs. Go into 2012 ready to attract a hunk of burning yum. You got the power! Use it!
Smooches Darlings!
DeBora M. Ricks
Empowerment Speaker & Author of Love Addicted
www.DeBoraricks.com
"It's not men, it's YOU!" is an outstanding observation that is far more than simply true. 1. You Got Baggage - Okay, so let us review. I am the new man in your life. But, why should our relationship be subjected and affected by the uncle who molested you thirty-five years ago? Would you possibly consider relaxing your balled-up fist while I'm trying to make love to you, sweetheart? 2. You Gave Up On Men - Ever noticed how you engage with your pet fish, cat or dog in very different ways? Epiphany! Men are kind of diverse creatures, too. No matter which pet you choose (no judgment here, either) if you don't present yourself as having a stable home environment, as well as mentally and socially qualified, they might not even let you adopt the adorable pet that you really, really want. And, with respect to turning to Jesus? You have to ask yourself; why would such a distinguished gentleman want YOU compared to billions of other more desirable women who come with less drama and baggage? 3. You Let Yourself Go - The female vagina has often been described as a weapon of mass destruction (WMD) that all women possess but, unfortunately, comes without charge and with very few instructions for usage. It's no surprise then that many women believe this is all you need to lure a good man. Surprise! A wet, booty is totally overrated, my sister! Think about it this way: if the good men (not in jail, not on drugs and gainfully employed) have favorable numbers of attractive physically fit females to pursue, then why would they be chasing your inferior offerings other than because you were very easy to obtain? Don't waste your brain cells; get real, get active and get in shape! 4. You Limit Your Options - Every brother looks at a fine sister holding hands with someone other than another brother with heartfelt curiosity. Admittedly, I am one of them. The fact that African-American males are involved in an institutional system that prefers to place the brothers in jail and send the sisters to college is another subject that requires more space than this comment post allows. But, here's the point: we see you, my lovely sisters, and often wonder why you've chosen another race of men other than your own while realizing the Black man has always been the "cream of the crop that rises to the top" in every endeavor or enterprise that we've undertaken with the exception of ice skating. Black men are the very best at basketball, football, baseball, golfing, soccer, bowling and many other athletic endeavors. When given a fair opportunity, we rise to the upper echelon of just about EVERYTHING including being the President of the United States of America! Don't limit your options, sister, but also don't be blinded by the light if it's white. 5. You're Afraid To Be Sexy - Confidence is absolutely a real sexy attribute in women. In fact, the ugliest woman at any party who walks up to the most eligible bachelor at any party and asks "you wanna do something, tonight?" is probably going to be the most satisfied woman at that party. Why? Quid Pro Quo, with no whole bunch of drama involved is alwaysw a successful strategy. But, don't forget that cleavage, upper-thigh and hardcore booty shots with neon panties aren't really cutting the mustard with serious, eligible Black men. We like the flirt, we love the friendly but if you don't present class along with it then we're gonna just think you're easy and sleazy, which means you might not ever get to meet our mothers. You got the power, use it and then change YOU for the better, in 2012! Peace.
ReplyDeleteInteresting Robert! Thanks for posting your comments here. It's good to know brothers feel something when they see a sister with white man. But I gotta tell ya, the reason why many sisters say they are crossing over is because brothers aren't showing them the love. The brothers who think they're hot are often arrogant players. A personal experience. I've been with brothers who, because they had a little somethin' somethin', were good-looking and knew what to do with the female body took me for granted, until I was gone...then they couldn't stop calling me. Oh well, what do they say about the dry well?
ReplyDeleteWomen want to be treated like we're special, like we matter to the man in our life. Not like we're dispensable and replaceable. White men, or so many say, treat us better, sweeter, and with more respect. And isn't that what every woman wants? I sure do.
Smooches!
Hi DeBora - Brothers have always felt something when they see sisters with (especially) white men. I mean, rumor has it that white men used to take our women - despite their objections - anytime they wanted back in the day. Imagine your great grandmother being somebody's "foot warmer" while they slept during those, you know, chilly nights in Georgia. Tell me a real brother who doesn't have a problem with that. As for us brothers not showing you sisters the love; my personal experience it that too many sisters don't really want to be loved, they only want to be subsidized. Okay, sure you have some pretty boys who can charm the panties off of any woman, Black or White or even Purple. Don't hate the player, he's got it like that, and such an attractive, available and desirable man is fairly rare when you do the arithmetic. The system funnels lots of them into jails so that they are no longer available to you. I'm sure you feel some vindication that once you're gone (and the well has run dry) but the brother is still calling. Don't take this wrong, but he's a player and your phone is not the only one ringing. I know that women want to be treated like they're special (because women are very special!) and I know they don't want to be treated as dispensable and replaceable. But, with the systematic empowerment of you sisters and, simultaneously, the systematic dis-empowerment of us brothers - I mean, consider the consequences when the script is flipped; that is to say, the popular Diva Beyonce sings "You must not know about me, I can have another man in a minute, as a matter of fact..." Hey, how motivating is THAT for any brother who is trying to do the best that he can (under the most adverse circumstances among any race men on the planet), sister need to recognize that brothers are trying hard to do what needs to be done but some of our sisters are really trying equally hard to NOT do what needs to be done. What needs to be done? In a word, "cooperation" which creates a synergy for the greater benefit of both parties. Whatever you want more of, give more of the same - whether it's understanding, affection, appreciation or cold hard cash! Ask not what your brother can do for you, ask what can you do for your brother. Finally, although I never seem to have a finally, don't place too much credence in what "so many say" regarding white men treating sisters "better, sweeter, and with more respect." While that might be what every woman wants, it ain't necessarily what every White man gives. It is a fact; If crossover sisters dared to say and do and act like they act with a White partner (in the same manner they often do with us brothers) then the end result of that relationship may even be far more unpleasant than it would with a brother...but how do I know, I'm just a brother looking for a cooperative sister. Thanks for letting me share my opinions with you, DeBora. I love your smooches and here's a very big kiss from me (smooooooch!) which you may place wherever you desire. Peace.
ReplyDelete