7 Things I Wish Men Knew

I often write about what women need to know about charming and enchanting men, attracting and loving a man, and how to keep it right and tight.  But I'm a heterosexual woman who has been in relationships with men who thought they were smarter about love and relationships than they really were. Perhaps if these men knew the things I'm about to share, they might experience more success in their intimate relationships.

Okay, here are 7 things I wish men knew: 

1. The difference between a determined woman and a desperate one 
When I love a man, I, uh, love him. If I commit to him, well then I'm committed. Sure, once upon a time I was a sick little love junkie. (Wrote a book about it, want to read it?) Anyhoo, it saddens me that too many brothers simply cannot distinguish a woman determined to make love work with them from a desperate one. Get this, if a woman has a VaJJ...she can get another man quicker than you can download the latest Smartphone app. Know the difference between a woman who wants you and one who needs you. 

2. A car, a house, a Bank of America savings account don't give you a license to take me for granted  
There's a beliefs swirling among black men and women that there's a woeful shortage in good black men.  Well, I've been involved with a couple of brothers, who, because they had a little somethin' somethin' they took me for granted. One guy, from time to time, would even remind me that I wasn't the only woman that wanted him. Like Jamie Foxx, he wanted me to know he had options. I only wish he understood that I too had options and if he ever decided to take me granted it won't matter how pretty his car is, he too could be replaced. 

3. It's your job, not mine 
It's not my job to take care of you emotionally. Sure, I'll be there for you, be your soft place to fall, be your friend, confidante, lover, partner, cheerleader, supporter. But it's not my job to make you happy, feel whole, and grow your self-esteem. People talk plenty about needy women, but let's tell the truth: there are loads of needy little boys masquerading as men. Only neediness in men is often camouflaged by fits of anger and efforts to control  and manipulate his woman. I wish more men embraced spirituality and nurtured a relationship with a God of their understanding so that they can find happiness, wholeness and a sense of self in God. 

4.  You don't get to abuse me in the name of love 
One guy I tried to love would blow up at the slightest "infraction." He'd yell, pound his fist into his palm, and curse. I started to feel unsafe with him. I had to make him black history. Just because you got issues--and who doesn't--you don't get to verbally abuse me. If you can control your emotions with your boss and strangers, then you can learn to control them with me. I won't be your psychological punching bag under no circumstances. I wish you'd remember that I am a woman and I need your sweetness and protection. I'm not to be hurt, misused or abused. 

5. When to turn in their "player" card

A bunch of men are going to die alone, like the man who had a heart attack and wasn't missed until his dead body stank up his apartment complex. An old player is a sad sight indeed. They run from woman to woman, all because they are afraid. Afraid to be known. Afraid they're unlovable. Afraid they're not enough. I wish the old players would grow up! 

6. They're not that clever 
Just because a woman doesn't call you on your every lie doesn't mean she's asleep to them. A woman's intuition is better than the best GPS. I wish men were smart enough to know that your woman knows when you're lying. Remember the guy who thought himself a prize? Well, he was so arrogant he was stupid. He would tell lies and half-truths, thinking he was one step ahead me. It was a wrap when he cheated on me, uh, I mean on his character, and fed me 3-4 lies within minutes. I felt sad for him. He thought he was soooooo clever and smooth. Years later he's still trying to reel me back in. I wish he'd known a good thing when he had it and would have had the integrity required to keep it. 

7. How to be loved  

Everybody say they want somebody to love...but truth be told, lots of people don't know how to be loved. If a man doesn't love himself, he won't let anyone else love him. When we don't feel lovable, we sabotage our relationships with chaos, drama, constant complaining, whining, arguments. Truth is, some men just don't know how to let a woman love them. I wish they would learn to love themselves so they can let somebody else love them. 

Smooches! 

DeBora M. Ricks
Author of Why Did He Break Up With Me? Lessons in Love, Loss & Letting Go
Visit my website!

Pissed? This May Save Your Relationship

I remember when I was a teenager, whenever I had an upset I'd run to the phone and call my big sister. This practice became so habitual that one of my younger sisters would joke, when she saw me reach for the phone, "What you doin', calling Dr. Vern?" Yup, that's precisely what I was doing.

I wish I could tell you that when I entered my twenties I stopped relying on my sister to help me feel better whenever I got upset or scared. I didn't. What I can tell you is that I've finally learned the meaning of emotional sufficiency. But before I accepted that it's mine, not my sister's, man's, or mother's job to calm me down whenever I experienced emotions that didn't feel good, for years I was emotionally dependent upon others.

Do you understand that it's not your spouse's, man's, woman's, or family's responsibility to always be at your beck and call when your emotions are in turmoil? Really. Not only that, you have the power to soothe yourself. Really, you do.

Here's what I now do when my emotions are highly charged. You might find this helpful. Say your Boo does something that hurts your feelings. Your emotions are high. You really need him to say something that will make you feel better. But he's gotta get to work. No time to discuss things. With these strategies you're only three steps away from sanity.

1. Sit still. Cry if you want or need to. You're hurt. If you don't cry, that hurt can morph into anger. Anger will tell you to do stupid things, like go to his job. Or call him a hundred times. Or end the relationship. Or...you get the picture. 
2. Treat your feelings like they're a person about to jump off a tall building. Talk them down from there. That person about to jump is about to use a permanent solution for a temporary problem. Emotions change. They don't come to stay. They come to pass. Have a word with yourself, be gentle, kind, and sweet. But talk some sense into yourself.
3. Ask yourself, "Is this true? Am I absolutely sure that he doesn't love me? Has he ever shown me love?" That is, don't permit that one incident, slight, situation to make you conclude something irrational. 

Remember that feelings AREN'T facts. Just because your feelings tell you that your man doesn't care doesn't mean that's a fact. Feelings don't lie but the thoughts behind the feelings do. Your thought that he doesn't love you is likely a lie. Sure, he might have been harsh, mean, and insensitive. But does this mean he doesn't love you? Probably not. Healthy people put their intellect in charge of their feelings; while emotionally unstable people let their feelings dictate their beliefs and actions. Like a therapist once cautioned me, "Don't believe everything you think." For sure, that's a recipe for disaster.

Yes, have a word with your emotions, before you have that conversation. You just may save your relationship.

Smooches! 

DeBora M. Ricks 

Author/Speaker/Producer

Books: Why Did He Break Up With Me? Lessons in Love, Loss & Letting Go & Love Addicted: One Woman's Spiritual Journey Through Emotional Dependency 

Visit my website!

Sisters Gathering to Heal our Relationships

I know it's not easy to forgive. And yet, if we're to have sweet and juicy relationships we must forgive the people that hurt us. All of them. I forgave my charming, minister father for abusing and abandoning me; that single act changed the course of my life.

Spirit led me to put a call out to Sisters, black, white, Asian, Hispanic and any other race, to come, let's heal our relationships through FORGIVENESS. Here I share two of the healing mantras, Ho'oponopono and Healing Mantra Movement, with you. www.DeBoraRicks.com

Have You Let Yourself Go?

I'm a people watcher, right. I not only watch men...because I love the sight and smell of masculinity. But I observe women too, and listen to their desires, complaints, hopes, longings. I particularly pay attention to women forty and over...because I'm over forty and most, though not all, of my women friends are too. So I'm writing this post to the forty and over club of women. 

Time and time again I hear women say they want a man. In my circles we know we get what we want by attraction. Well, long before the words "Law of Attraction" was a household phrase women were using our feminine power to attract men. See, before the women's movement hoodwinked us into believing our femininity was a liability and that to be powerful in the world we had to be hard,  aggressive, manly, women embraced and enjoyed their femininity. Women acknowledged that men had certain kinds of power. They also knew as women they had other kinds of power. And that power is power. Then they  burned their bras in the streets, donned pinstriped pantsuits, cummerbunds, and shoulder pads, secured that coveted corner office,  brokered deals in corporate America as effectively as men did only to forget how wonderfully and magically we were made AS women...and how much fun it is to be one. 

Okay, why am I writing this post? Truth is I see so many women suffering in a myriad of ways all because they've forgotten their feminine power and radiance. So this is for women who want to amp up their magnetic powers, women who desire to attract more male attention and ain't afraid to own it, women who want to embrace their femininity unapologetically. If you're a heterosexual woman, you desire the company of a man. Well, I can't guarantee that what you read here will help you land, secure and lock down The One, but I can tell you this, if you take to heart what I'm saying here I promise you that your POOL of potential partners will explode. Yes, that's right. You'll have options. Now tell me, what woman in her right mind doesn't want options? Even if you never ever use any of them, it feels good and right to have more of them, right? Because the more options you have, the better your chances are at attracting the man that's just right for you. 

Did I mention that I was a people watcher? Well, I've seen stunning, smart, magnetic women in their 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s and beyond who are still turning the heads of men. And turning some down too! See, they got OPTIONS baby! Every woman has that power. But if we're to use it we have to remember we got it. 

Then there's the Invisible Woman. She blends in, rather than blend out. If you're blending in with your surroundings it goes without saying you won't be seen...by men. I've observed that women do three things that make them invisible to men. You ready? Here goes.

Many women:

1. Let themselves go 

2. Let their appearance become stale and obsolete 

3. Forget they are women 

By the way, if men notice you you can bet your bottom dollar that women do. Women admire, envy, are jealous of, threatened and inspired by other compelling women. If women don't notice you, it's not likely that men see you. To tell you the truth, since I'm at it, if other women dismiss you, especially when they're with their Boo, you're invisible. That's not good, particularly if you're in the market for a man. Not any other woman's man, but your Mr. Right. 

Alright, let's get back to the Invisible Woman. 

1. How do you know you've let yourself go? Well, you've let yourself go when you foolishly think that now that your man has said "I Do" you don't anymore. That is, you don't put "that shiny stuff" on your lips anymore. You don't break a sweat in the gym or bedroom...cuz you might mess up your hair. You don't wear sexy heels anymore. You don't talk soft and sweet anymore. You don't keep a bit of mystery in the air anymore. In sum, you don't care how you look or who you be any longer because, to steal a line out of the movie The Color Purple, you can say "IIIs marriedddd Nooooow!"  Big, BIG mistake! In fact, I think married women should actually step up the care of themselves because "security," children, mortgages, seeing you every day and night can get predicable and boring. Your looking and smelling good gives your man something beautiful to look forward to when he thinks about home. (Does this sound sexist? Maybe. Is it real? Absolutely! Men ought to do the same for their women, keep it right, tight, and smelling good.) 

Okay, back to how to know if you've let yourself go. You've let yourself go if you get fat and out of shape then endlessly whine about how shallow men are and repeatedly ask "why can't they just love me for who I am on the inside?" HaaHaaHaa! That's Hiiiilarious. Men are visual creatures. Even if they are madly in love with your insides they want and need to lust after your outsides. And if you're smart, you want this too. Please stop being mad because men are visual. Accept it. It is what it is. Shucks, just for the record, we're visual too. Ain't Idris Elba fine? Don't you love the sight of Hill Harper? Neither one of these fine specimen are fat and out of shape. So stop playing ladies. Okay, let's get back on track. 

Keep it right and tight ladies. Even if you're married, looking hot and juicy doesn't allow your man to forget that "she's got options." This keeps him on his toes.  One of the worst things a woman can do to her relationship is give her man reason to think if he leaves she'll have a hard time "replacing" him. Well, when you don't doll yourself up on a regular basis you make it much easier for your man to take you for granted. If he takes you for granted he'll start looking elsewhere for thrills. A beautiful woman is interesting to a man. Stay beautiful. Not just for him, but for you too. You'll feel more powerful, sexy and confident. Confidence is the supreme turn-on. 

2. How do you know your appearance is stale and obsolete? Well, why don't we investigate with a few questions. Did you discover decades ago the perfect hairstyle and ain't no way you're about to try anything new? Are you afraid of getting your hair cut in a style? Did someone tell you that clothes always come back in style so you kept your wardrobe from the 70s, 80s and 90s and by George you can still fit them? Do you tend to choose comfort over style...over and over again? When you hang with fly women your age do people sometimes think you're those women's mother? Do you rarely hear compliments from men on how beautiful or pretty you look? If you answered yes to any one of these questions, you might be dressing like an old lady. My mother is 90 years old and she doesn't dress like an old lady! Old ladies look like they smell stale and old and like mothballs. Men aren't attracted to old ladies. One of my cousins, Louise, met a man and got married again. She's 75! She doesn't dress like an old lady. 

3. How does a woman forget she's a woman? I know a woman who has gorgeous legs...who rarely wears a dress. I know women who walk like men. I know women who are good-looking, stylish, and smart who, energetically speaking, don't realize they are women. In conversation with men, as I prepared to do my Sweet & Juicy Woman Seminar, I learned what makes a woman compelling to a man. More than a few men said the sexiest women are women who clearly enjoy BEING women. I get it. A woman who relishes her womanness is one who shows appreciation for those attributes that make her woman. See, what men adore about women are the things that they don't have or do. A guy I dated loved watching me put lipstick on. Another beau would watch me walk to my car because just for him I'd walk in a way that made my butt bounce. I did it just to put a smile on his face and make him go, "Damn baby, walk that walk!" Men adore curves, the swing and sway of a woman's hips, sweet smells (studies say vanilla especially), manicured nails, smokey eyes, luscious lips, smooth and soft skin, a radiant smile and a happy disposition. Ladies, let him wear the pants, you wear your dresses and heels, especially on a date. Walk that walk. Love your body, adore your femaleness, bask in your own light...and notice how much more men do. When a woman embraces and enjoys her femininity she radiates a brilliant Light from within; men become like a moth to this Light. 

So, there you have it.

Smooches!

DeBora

Coming Soon! 

The Sweet and Juicy Woman TeleSeminar. In this seminar you'll learn:

• What makes men absolutely adore a woman
• How to be a Being of Light and how it transforms your relationship with men 
• How to amp up your magnetic ability to attract  
• The power of standing in your Feminine Power  
• How to feel good naked
• What men really want from women sexually   
• and more! 

Have you let yourself go? Do you too often feel like the Invisible Woman in the room? For one-on-one coaching or a one time consultation about your personal style, visit www.DeBoraRicks.com, go to the Contact Page and send me a message. 

______________________________________________________

DeBora M. Ricks, Author of Love Addicted: One Woman's Spiritual JournJey through Emotional Dependency and the upcoming book, Why Did He Break Up With Me? Lessons in Love, Loss and Letting Go. To read excerpts and buy copies, go to www.DeBoraRicks.com 

Do You Love Enough to Leave?

Have you ever loved someone only to discover that your presence in their life was like kryptonite? That your leaving them would be for his and your highest and best good? Author of the groundbreaking book, The Road Less Travelled, M. Scott Peck, offers what I consider one of the best definitions of love that I've heard when he says "love is the willingness to extend oneself for the spiritual growth of oneself and another." 

Anybody who knows anything about drug addiction has heard the term "Enabler." What are Enablers? Enablers are caretakers and codependents and controllers, people who "over take" their loved ones lives with "care" and control. They "over" take care of others to avoid having to face their own emptiness, fears,  loneliness, dragons and demons. We can enable others, people we claim to love, to do more than abuse drugs and alcohol. We can enable a beloved to "use" whatever it is that they over indulge in to keep  from facing their dragons, dragons that must be faced if they are to grow and evolve into the people they are meant to be. Well, I've had a few enablers and I've been an enabler. 

Are you wondering if you're an enabler? You're an Enabler if: 

• you do things for your beloved that they ought to do for themselves. 
• you let a "grown" man or woman move in with you not because he or she is committed to building a life with you but they are homeless or about to be. 
• you never let your beloved hit rock bottom, whatever that is for them. 
• your beloved says he's too sick to report to work and you call in for him. 
• you regularly foot the bill, still your beloved gets to call himself an adult. 

Are you an Enabler? The above "quiz" can't tell you for sure if you're an Enabler but your intuition can, and does. We don't listen and take heed not because we're so in love. We don't listen because, by definition, an enabler is as dependent upon his beloved as she is on him. Only his dependence is emotional. 

Sometimes leaving is the most loving thing you can do for your beloved. Your beloved will never learn to stand on his or her own two feet so long as you carry them. If you can, let them down easy. But don't expect them to leave, at least not until they find another Enabler. No, you must give them and you the gift of leaving...so both of you can grow. 

Smooches!
DeBora
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DeBora M. Ricks, Author/Speaker
www.DeBoraRicks.com

Can a Woman be too Strong?

A couple of years ago I went on a One Love Women's Retreat to Jamaica with about nine dynamic sisters. We stayed five days in St. Ann Parish. Daily, reggae music and the smell of Jamaican cuisine wafted through the air. The lush, expansive grounds of the beautiful, rustic and simply adorned retreat lodge was soothing to the soul, the local food, prepared by two Jamaican women who knew their way around a stove, was to live for.  We were in heaven.

Every day we ventured out for a taste of Jamaica. One day we jet skied on the beach. Another day we climbed Dunn's River Falls. I did it barefooted. Yeah, I was showing off. Plus, I wanted to see what I was made of, to see if all the exercising I do was paying dividends. 

It was, however, our trek all the way across the island to St. Mary Parish that inspired this blog. Partially  inspired it, since I have more observations like this. Uh, well, we didn't actually trek, but were driven by Fredrick of Fred Juta Tours Jamaica. There we were in more mountains, staying in the sweetest little, pastel pink walled hotel built right on top of a rushing river, scrumptious delicious food, and a throng of Jamaican men waiting outside to serve us. Yep, the closest thing to heaven that I can think of...at least in those moments. 

A tiny bit of back story. I'd been working on my second book about breakups. Just as significantly, I'd been self-examining, to see where I was getting in my own way re: my intimate relationships with men. One or two men told me I sometimes talk too much and thus listen too little. I'd been told I can be argumentative and difficult. Yep, too often I needed to have the last word. Though I embrace my strength, there have been times when I wanted nothing more than to be soft and sweet and let my man be the strong one. But thanks to my well-meaning mother, who told her daughters to "never let 'em ('em being men) see you cry," most often I'd act like a man when inside I was feeling like a baby. A baby that needed to cry and be consoled and comforted by her man. 

Thank goodness, I'm learning some things...and unlearning other stuff. 

Well, let's get on back to Jamaica. So, there we were the next morning, refreshed, in our bikinis and bathing suits, towels in hands, ready to be escorted up the mountain so we could get ourselves a proper massage in the amazing hot springs of Jamaica. Like I said, we were in heaven. I say "proper" because allegedly the hotel offered massages and hot spring baths in their sterile, concrete stalls. But if you ever venture on down yonder there to St. Mary Parish, Jamaica get on out there with the Mountain Men. They give you the works, properly, and never once touch you inappropriately. Enough said about that.

The "chief," a bearded yet dignified older Jamaican man, matched each woman up with a man. I was blessed to get the sweetest little (as in tall and lean) Bob Marley look-a-like. Another sister got John Legend's twin. The brothers extended and raised their right hand, an invitation for us to place ours into theirs. I did so happily. Bob, er, I mean Ronald held my hand high, like I was royalty, as he ever so gingerly led me up the rough mountains. Wait! Is there trouble in paradise? Well, yeah. Some of the sisters refused the extended hands of their men. Just turned their noses up at the brothers. So, alone, unsupported, and unaided they stumbled up the rough, unfamiliar terrain. One  almost fell on her face. Then she had a change in mind. She gave up her "I don't need your help" posturing and let "her" man help her. She got smart. 

This scenario, and many others like it, got me pondering these questions:

• Are sisters too strong for our own good? 
• Does being strong require that we also be independent to a fault? 
• Is our strength driving a wedge between us and black men? 

Trust me, I have lots more question like these but I'll stop here. At least until the next blog.

Listen, we got history. That is, black women were forced to be "strong, independent" folks because too often our men abandoned us and their children. Babies gotta eat! Everybody needs some place to lay their heads at night. Sisters step up to the doggone plate and Get 'er Done! Still, are brothers asking too much to hope that more sisters will reclaim our softer, sweeter, surrendering selves? I'm just asking. 

Back in March I did a Sweet & Juicy Woman Seminar at the Women's Expo. After the seminar, a sister came up to me. She'd been married for twenty years. She said she knew she was "hard" but she didn't know how not to be. I understood. If you can relate, read my blog, The Secret to Charming and Enchanting Men. That's a good start. And stay tuned as I share more on this and similar topics. 

Let's get juicy! 

DeBora 

DeBora M. Ricks, Speaker, Attorney and Author of the upcoming book, Why Did He Break Up With Me? Lessons in Love, Loss & Letting Go. Read an excerpt WDHBUWM? 

You may also get my book, Love Addicted, on my website as an e-book. Go to www.DeBoraRicks.com

Why Nice Guys Finish Last, Part 1

I've been thinking about writing a blog on this topic for some time now. Then I facilitated a relationship forum for an organization and once again this topic surfaced. Generally speaking, women will have questions about men that we want answers to. This one though is in response to an issue that men sneak into conversations about relationships. So, I got answers. At the very least I will attempt to shed  some light on the matter. Know, like all of my blogs, this is my opinion. Another woman might feel completely different about this. Yet, I think what I share will enlighten a few men. 

Okay, let's dive in. Every time I hear my girl Mary J. Blige croon, "Bad boys ain't no good and good boys ain't no fun," I smile and nod my head knowingly. The issue that I alluded to early on is really a question that many "good boys" ask, that is, they want to know "Why DO nice guys finish last?" I appreciate their confusion.  Why, they want to know ladies, do we insist that we want a nice guy...but end up sleeping with and hooking up with bad boys? Even if I'm not talking to you, you certainly have a girlfriend for whom this is true. One "nice guy" is convinced that because the media criminalizes black men perfectly respectable women now desire and therefore choose thugs over nice guys like him. One young fella recently said to me, "Women talk about wanting a certain kind of man but that's not who they're sleeping with." 

I certainly cannot speak for all women but I will attempt to help nice guys understand what's going on here. First, let's be clear about these distinctions. Being a "bad boy" is NOT necessarily synonymous with being a thug, gangsta, player, womanizer, ex-offender, drug dealer, or abuser. Not necessarily. I must confess, however, I have been involved with my fair share of womanizer, players, and ex-offenders. And yet it wasn't their wayward behavior that charmed me. It was something else, largely their swag, wit, proclivity for fun, and sex appeal. It's the book reading bad boys who are curious, intelligent, spiritual, masculine, fun, honest, and passionate about life that I find supremely sexy these days. Well, uh, you might call these reformed bad boys. Or bad boys gone good. Get this, I recently learned that my father was a bad boy, so says a former therapist. For goodness sakes, the man was a Pentecostal minister! So what? she said. Bad boys come from all walks of life. In any event, good ole dad is partially to blame for my tendency towards bad boys. But that's enough about me, back to what constitutes a bad boy. Let's approach it this way. I'll list the reasons why I think women are attracted to bad boys. Then I'll tell you why nice guys finish last.

Why women love bad boys: 

• Women secretly like danger. Bad boys embody danger. It oozes from their muscles and pores. 
• Bad boys make a woman want to be good to them, want to do what they want them to do; that is, they inspire a woman to give in to them.
• Women are nurturers. Women want to take care of the bad boy. Or tame him. Probably a bit of both.
• The woman who adores men love the masculine energy, bad boys showcase and exploit their masculinity in the way they walk and talk.
• Women like to see, feel, and experience a man's strength and maleness. In a man's presence we want to feel more womanly. The more masculine energy a man exudes, the more feminine a woman feels.
• Bad boys are skilled at "talking dirty." 
• Bad boys can be very vocal and demonstrative about their appreciation of the female anatomy. 
• Bad boys can be elusive, emotionally. Women enjoy a challenge. Women like having to use their womanly wiles from time to time to get a man to buckle. 
• Bad boys are FUN! Shucks, sometimes a girl just wanna have fun.
• Bad boys are raw. Raw can be sexy.   
• Bad boys have swag. What is swag? Swag is confidence that borders on cockiness with a dab of aggression thrown in for good measure. The opposite of swag is timidity. I don't know a woman alive who gets turned on by timidity in a man. 
• Bad boys got flava. They sport their unique style, whether the world approves or not.
• With a bad boy a woman feels safe and protected, like if something crazy jumped off when they're out and about he'll handle bizness. 
• Last, but certainly not least, bad boys "promise" a woman she'll be satisfied in bed. No, it's not that they brag about it. It's in their swag.  A man's swag tells a woman, "If you ever let me touch you, I'll rock your world." Yes, sex is that powerful and compelling. As if you didn't know. 

This isn't an exhaustive list. But it should give the nice guy some insight into why women fall for bad boys. 

Now, let me be clear. What some men think is a nice guy is simply a self-absorbed, humorless, much too serious fella who doesn't understand what turns women on. That said, some men who have spent a lot years studying and working their way up the corporate ladder fall into the nice guy category. The time bad boys were studying women and learning ways to get in their heads and please them in bed, the nice guy was studying business administration and computer science. Consequently, the nice guy can be at a disadvantage when it comes to wooing a woman. I for one like nice guys. Nice guys with a healthy dose of swag advance to the front of any line I'm forming. 

In any event, let me share why I think nice guys finish last: 

• Nice guys live in their heads too much, rather than their senses, heart, and soul.
• Nice guys don't know when to ask permission and when to just take charge. 
• Nice guys often try too hard to please. 
• Nice guys are often FUN impaired.
• Nice guys believe too much of what women say about what we want. We lie, to ourselves about what we want. Not deliberately do women lie. But women lie because we're not always ready to tell you how we really feel. Women want men to intuit a lot of stuff. I know, it's not logical. But love and matters of the heart aren't logical. 
• Nice guys aren't mysterious or dangerous. Women like both. 
• Nice guys talk too much about some things and too little about other things; like too much about themselves and their jobs and not enough about the woman, how delectable and fine she is, and light and fun stuff.
• Even strong, independent, powerful women desire to be swept off their feet and ravished in the bedroom. Nice guys don't make a woman imagine he can pull such a feat off.

All "nice guys" aren't nice. That is, some so-called nice guys are educated, degreed, self-absorbed, arrogant, disrespectful bores who only label themselves nice guys because they need an excuse for why they're not fairing so well with the ladies. By the way, real nice guys, once they tweak a few things that tend to land them in the dreaded "friend zone" can move to the head of the line with women.

Oh, and all "bad boys" aren't all bad. Some bad boys are good boys in disguise. Yep, these guys wear bad boy gear, attitudes, postures and gestures because being bad is cool, and women like it. Other bad boys have a "come to Jesus" experience or just grow tired of their womanizing, thuggish, criminal ways and finally settle down. If they're not all worn out from the game and still got swag left, swag is always en vogue. Some woman will want him. 

Women favor bad boys, partially, because of Hollywood. American movies glorify the bad boy. Think the parts portrayed by Will Smith, Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Harrison Ford, Samuel L. Jackson and more and more, Denzel Washington. It's the bad boy that always accomplishes the impossible mission, gets the beautiful woman, and ends up rich and famous and celebrated. Bad boys do what they gotta do, by any means necessary. A do-what-you-gotta-do approach to life (for me, that does not include criminal behavior) is a characteristic women reserve for "real" men.

I have more to say on this topic, so look for Part 2 to Why Nice Guys Finish Last. I'll tell you the fundamental reason why women fall for bad boys and what happens to a woman that can change her choices in men. If you have some thoughts on this topic, do leave a comment. 

Smooches!
DeBora M. Ricks
Author/Speaker/Attorney
www.DeBoraRicks.com

You'll Never Amount to Anything!

"You'll. Never. Amount. To. Anything!" my father would shout. This morning, as I sat in the silence and stillness, my Science of Mind magazine open, I closed my eyes to pray, meditate, connect with Spirit and these thoughts came to me. They came because on Sunday I'll be giving a testimony at my place of worship on the theme, The Other Side of Through. Yes, I have made it to the other side of many, many  throughs.  

You'll never amount to anything! was one of my charming minister father's favorite things to say to me. What he really meant, I know today, is "I haven't amounted to anything!' He had to mean that because how could he predict MY future? Who was he or anyone to tell me, God's precious child, what life had in store for me? I didn't know it then but I now know my dad spoke about himself because whenever we hurl insults at another, we're really telling them what we think of us.  

I'm writing this post because you might be able to relate. Somebody, some so-called "smart" grownup may have told you the same thing or something quite similar. Who gave them the authority? Get all the juice out that doggone lemon that's there, then toss it...because remember, it is you, and you alone who gets to create your life...on your terms. Not based on what your mama, daddy or grand pappy said. 

Well, I have amounted to something. And you know what, I have my father to thank. Thanks to my dad-- who I have since forgiven for dumping his poor self-regard onto me--I had something hard to push against. It was my father's ugly words that fueled my ambition. It was my father's insistence that I would be nothing that drove me to be something. At 14 years old good ole dad decided that he would no longer give me lunch money and bus fare for school. God spoke. The God in me said, "I'll make it with you...or I'll make it without you!" Well, I made it.

Yep, I squeezed all the juice out of that there "you'll never amount to anything" lemon that was there! 

I have amounted to something. Not because I am a lawyer, author, editor, speaker, mother to a bright, loving, powerful soon to be Howard freshman, homeowner, gold card carrying member, world traveler, pretty good daughter to my mother, no, I've amounted to something because my life has meaning. I like my life. And I do good work in the world. Even before I heard Les Brown command, "don't let another person's opinion become your reality" years ago I'd resolved to not let anybody tell me who I get be, what I get to have, and what I get to do. That is, nobody gets to tell us how good it can get for us. Given my rather rough beginning, I think I done done good. But I can't take the credit for it; it was Divine Mind that did it. I only take credit for being wise enough to turn within to this Power, listen and take heed.

Smooches!
DeBora
Visit me on the Web
Visit us at the Spiritual Empowerment Center, 2129 N. Charles Street, Baltimore, MD 21218 on Sundays at 10:30 AM, a member of the Centers for Spiritual Living. 

Don't Get Over It, Grieve Thru It!

Sitting in the silence, I was led to call my mother's pastor, Pastor S, who I have claimed as my dad. I called him because twelve days ago he buried his beloved wife, Sister Bertha. Given how integral death is to life you'd think we'd know by now what to say to people to soothe their hurting hearts after the loss of someone they treasured. But most times we don't. I, however, managed to ask the right question and listen because I know now it isn't about what I say, rather it's about what the one grieving says, or doesn't get to say, that stunts or fosters healing.

I asked Pastor S who was assisting him? He told me his son, Stacey, was taking care of his Columbia church and that Elder Graves was managing the Baltimore church. People were putting three course meals in front of him, though he had no appetite. I asked what he needed. Again he told me about the many people that were managing his churches. "I'm not talking about your churches, I know those are fine. I'm asking if you have someone to talk to, someone to laugh with...?" I said. "I wish I had someone to laugh with," he said rather emphatically. Then I asked, "How long were you all together?" "We had been together 50 years, I buried her on our fiftieth anniversary." Good grief! A true until death do we part story. Then Pastor S went on to tell me about how Bertha had waited for him when he went to war; that his father assured him that she was The One.

I called my sister Ayo. I shared my conversation with Pastor S with her. Ayo's son Baba, my beloved 21-year-old nephew, recently buried two of the most influential men in his life, his dad and his best friend. Ayo, who is a licensed social worker, gained such wisdom about the supreme importance of grieving as she supported her son in moving through that process. Pastor S, we decided, got everything he needs BUT someone to help him move THROUGH the grief process. See, we live in a society that goes hard, one that pushes us to just get over it, quick. We don't do well with feelings and tears, so we give people two weeks to a month to grieve ANY loss. After about a month we fully expect them to get up and get on with life. Well, we can't get on with life until we have honored ourselves enough to feel the full brunt of our loss, cry, talk, bemoan, talk some more, cry until we have cried out.

A loss is a loss is a loss. See, if there's sadness or melancholy around ANY loss, you deserve to acknowledge what you feel and grieve it. Right now I'm experiencing the loss of some friendships and how things were. Talking to my guy friend has helped me to get to acceptance, which is the fifth and final stage of grief and loss as outlined by Elisabeth Kubler Ross. We all experience loss. All losses are accompanied by pain. Shoot, the loss of a special pair of earring can upset a woman's afternoon. Honor your losses. Anything that once was but no longer is can be experienced as a loss, such as the loss of one's hair, youth, size 6 body, child, relationship, friendship, job, spouse, dream, home, health, voice, eyesight, mobility, support, or freedom. Acknowledge them. Let yourself feel anger, sadness, fear, shock, dismay, even hopelessness. Resist the temptation to stuff and repress your feelings with food, shopping, working, drinking, drugging, sexing. Instead, find someone who will listen and let you cry.

Good grief! Charlie Brown knew grief was good and healthy. Now it's time the rest of us know. We are able to experience joy, laughter, and hope only to the extent that we are able to experience the so called "negative" emotions, sorrow and sadness. Give yourself permission to properly grieve. And give that gift to those you cherish, by listening to their sad and happy stories, regrets, and fears about their loss and letting them cry.

When I talked to Pastor S I didn't know how I might assist him as he mourns the loss of his beloved Bertha. My sister Ayo told me, "You can be the one who listens."

In love & light,

DeBora M. Ricks

Author of Love Addicted: One Woman's Spiritual Journey through Emotional Dependency

To book me to speak call 410.599.2131 or send email to Info@DeBoraricks.com

Get your FREE E-book at www.DeBoraRicks.com

The Secret to Charming and Enchanting Men

There's a revolution afoot, and I'm on the front lines. Earlier today I had the pleasure of being a presenter for the Just BEE Wellness Blissful Living and Loving Virtual Conference. I am so delighted that Cassandra Herbert, Just BEE Wellness owner and founder, invited me to participate because talking about how women can improve our interactions and relationships with men just feels right to me. Besides, I think it's high time women take their power back. That is, stop thinking that all men are simply incorrigible rogues so it's nothing we can do to make our relationships sweeter and juicier.

See, I know a lot of women who say they desire a sweet, loving man in their life...but I gotta tell ya, too many of these women aren't looking in the right direction when they search for the answers to "Why am I alone?" This isn't a blame game. Nor am I saying all men have it together. What I am saying is this, it would behoove women to stop pointing the finger at men, saying they're just intimidated by us, that all men are jerks, players, cheaters, thugs. Meanwhile, there are women enjoying sweet and juicy relationships with honest, loving, dynamic, attentive men. Don't you want to know their secrets? Well, I did. Now I'm sharing them with you.

Okay, let me share some of what I know, things I wished women knew or would at least be willing to accept about men:

1. Men want to make women happy. I know, you don't believe me. Still, they do.
2. Men are charmed and enchanted by feminine women who make them feel like a man.
3. Men have needs too. They're different from ours. Women can't force their man to change, but they sure can INSPIRE him to change, grow, be better, more successful, more attentive, more loving! This one has been tried and tested. Trust me, a woman who knows how to make a man feel like a man can charm the pants, uh, I mean...inspire him to greatness. No kidding!
4. Women need to know what men need. Okay, listen up.

• Men need to be treated with RESPECT.
• Men need to be TOLD and SHOWN they are LOVED
• Men need to be TOLD and SHOWN they are APPRECIATED
• Men need to know they are ATTRACTIVE, SEXY and DESIRABLE
• Men need to KNOW you BELIEVE in them.
• Men need to feel SUPPORTED
• Men need women to be RECEPTIVE to them, i.e., a woman needs to be open and responsive to the ways her man expresses his caring for her.
• Men need to know a woman ACCEPTS him. He needs to see that acceptance in YOUR eyes when you look at him.

What kind of woman is willing to give men what they need? A smart woman. This woman knows if she gives him the wood, well uh, he'll give her the fire! What kind of woman CAN give a man what he needs? A confident, self-assured woman who knows how to submit to her man. Yeah, I said it! See, when a woman dances in her womanhood, she's a compelling thing of beauty. Such a woman likes men and savors their masculinity. Men love it when a woman savors his masculinity. The secret to charming and enchanting men is to not only respect their differences but to absolutely appreciate and delight in a man's masculine essence. Make him real glad he's a man!

Last, but certainly not least, it is time women get that we are supposed to bring men pleasure. Pause, so you can pick your bottom lip up off the floor. But yes. Why in the world would God have made women so beautiful and men so visual and hungry for us if we weren't created to bring them pleasure? When we get that knowing and living from this place gives up power, we'll stop fighting it. And start enjoying it!

Until the next time, Smooches!

DeBora M. Ricks

Author of Love Addicted: One Woman's Spiritual Journey Through Emotional Dependency. I'll be speaking at the 11th Annual Women's Expo, at Catonsville Community College

Visit my website at www.DeBoraRicks.com for details.

Why You Don't Have a Man

If you want a man but don't have one, then you're choosing attitudes and behaviors that are keeping you from having what you say you want. We create our own reality; nobody's to blame but you if you're alone.

Quite honestly, I don't like using the word "blame." And yet, I'm using it because we often blame others, like men, when we are single. But there are beliefs and behaviors that you entertain that are the cause of your single status. It's not men, it's YOU!

Five reasons why you don't have a man:

1. You Got Baggage - many women in their 30s, 40s, 50s and even 60s have yet to finish their childhoods. They are still blaming their parents for ruining their chances at success in love and life. Some women are still bitterly angry at ex-husbands and old boyfriends who "did them wrong," broke their hearts, cheated on them, or left them for another woman. We all carry baggage. But some women have a carry-on, three suitcases and a trunk...that need to be checked. People with lots of baggage are hard to love. They don't trust. They are blamers, whiners, and victims. How do we check our baggage? We FORGIVE and LET GO of the past and assume total responsibility for the quality of our life.

2. You Gave Up on Men - After hurt after hurt, some women have simply given up hope of ever being in a deeply satisfying relationship with a man. Some have completely turned away from men and turned to women. No judgment here. And yet, if a woman's reason for getting in a relationship with another woman is fueled by her profound disappointment in men, one must ask, "Where has she deposited this bitterness? Is it showing up in her same sex relationship, contaminating it?" Other women turn to Jesus. I write about a woman in my new book, Why Did He Break Up With Me?, who, after paying a couple of thousand dollars a month to have a man's companionship, finally gave up on men altogether and fell in love with Jesus and the church. Boy was she bitter. She said, pointing to the concrete, "My heart is as hard as that." Good thing Jesus is Jesus because he sure has His work cut out for him.

3. You Let Yourself Go - If I hear another out of shape woman lament, "Why can't they just accept me for who I am?" I'ma get ugly and tell them the truth, which is this: Men are visual creatures. They like women who look good. Women who exercise some discipline around what they eat--and exercise their bodies--are more attractive to men. Sure, every woman wants to be loved for something more than her dangerous curves and luscious lips, but if you're insisting that men not like what they like, not prefer fit and toned bodies over fat and fluffy, well uh, you're wasting brain cells. Get thee butt to the gym or park before January 2012! And stop eating emotionally, to fill voids that food can't possibly fill. Instead, find out what brings you joy and fulfillment and get busy doing those things. And not another cookie today!

4. You Limit Your Options - I've loved a couple of white men. I'm a Cougar and proud of it! Younger men adore me. I exercise my options...because I can. The black woman who's single and wanting to get hitched but turns her nose up at other race and younger men might want to ask herself, "What am I afraid of?" While the loyal to black men sister is sitting home on Saturday night watching reruns of Saturday Night Live a black man is making love to an Asian woman. Stop limiting yourself. Sure, ultimately you might end up with a fine black man. But there's no need to proclaim to all the world, "I don't like white men. I don't want no younger man." Embrace your power to date, love and marry whomever you please and notice how much more juice you have with the brothers.

5. You're Afraid to be Sexy - 9 out of 10 men say what makes a woman sexy is--drum roll please--confidence. What this means is that no matter how you look, you can be a man magnet. Yes, it's that simple. Not arrogance. Not cockiness. Not diva attitude but confidence. I've got one sure way to not only show confidence but grow your talent for dealing with men, flirt and be friendly. I'm amazed at how many women claim they'd like a man in their life but all day long reject men left and right just because these men don't appeal to them as boyfriend or husband material. Ridiculous! If a homeless man gives you a compliment, smile and say, "thank you." Why not? Ain't he a man? Can't he see beauty? Sexy isn't about tight clothes and exposed cleavage. I get loads of compliments from men when I'm dressed for court. A confident woman is feminine, soft, confident, fun and enchanting. She enjoys being a woman, and it shows!

Accepting that it's not men but you who dictates whether you're single or in a relationship puts the power back in your hands, where it belongs. Go into 2012 ready to attract a hunk of burning yum. You got the power! Use it!

Smooches Darlings!

DeBora M. Ricks

Empowerment Speaker & Author of Love Addicted

www.DeBoraricks.com

Fall Madly in Love

My niece's grandmother passed away last week. She was 80. I don't know whether at the end of her life she was pleased with how she'd lived or not. We are in our senior years who we've become as the result of our actions now. I'm thinking about these things because I was talking to a dear friend of mine earlier today and she said, sobbing, that she doesn't want to grow old alone like her mother and auntie did. That's one of her primal fears. All of this because she was advised by someone in a 12-Step Program that she attends not to be in an intimate relationship with a man for at least a year.

I used to think I had to have a man to be happy. Then, one day, I woke up and found ME. And my purpose. I'm now so wrapped up in living my purpose and salivating over the possibilities for my life that I simply don't have time to feel lonely. Actually, I'm just having so much fun having breakthroughs that I wonder how I ever thought being with me was so horrifying. Did you know that most people don't like the company they keep...with themselves? That's why addiction is so pervasive. And yet we're relentless about securing a relationship with another person. Imagine that, we don't like our own company but we expect that someone else will.

We've got to fall madly in love with the woman in the mirror. Fall in love with the life we're creating and living. Fall in love with your purpose and possibilities. Whooda thought me, a self-confessed love addict, could be so content that she could spend her entire Saturday doing laundry, cleaning, writing, reading, recording videos on my new web cam, shopping for a gift for a friend's new baby boy and not have one moment of loneliness. Not ONE moment. In fact, I was so pleased that no one phoned me. It was me, myself, God and my excitement about life!

If you want your senior years to be golden you've got to work on that now, today. If you resist your own company, that's precisely who you need to spend more time with, YOU! When we love ourselves madly, we will magnetize love and abundance in every area of our life.

I love you! DeBora