7 Things I Wish Men Knew

I often write about what women need to know about charming and enchanting men, attracting and loving a man, and how to keep it right and tight.  But I'm a heterosexual woman who has been in relationships with men who thought they were smarter about love and relationships than they really were. Perhaps if these men knew the things I'm about to share, they might experience more success in their intimate relationships.

Okay, here are 7 things I wish men knew: 

1. The difference between a determined woman and a desperate one 
When I love a man, I, uh, love him. If I commit to him, well then I'm committed. Sure, once upon a time I was a sick little love junkie. (Wrote a book about it, want to read it?) Anyhoo, it saddens me that too many brothers simply cannot distinguish a woman determined to make love work with them from a desperate one. Get this, if a woman has a VaJJ...she can get another man quicker than you can download the latest Smartphone app. Know the difference between a woman who wants you and one who needs you. 

2. A car, a house, a Bank of America savings account don't give you a license to take me for granted  
There's a beliefs swirling among black men and women that there's a woeful shortage in good black men.  Well, I've been involved with a couple of brothers, who, because they had a little somethin' somethin' they took me for granted. One guy, from time to time, would even remind me that I wasn't the only woman that wanted him. Like Jamie Foxx, he wanted me to know he had options. I only wish he understood that I too had options and if he ever decided to take me granted it won't matter how pretty his car is, he too could be replaced. 

3. It's your job, not mine 
It's not my job to take care of you emotionally. Sure, I'll be there for you, be your soft place to fall, be your friend, confidante, lover, partner, cheerleader, supporter. But it's not my job to make you happy, feel whole, and grow your self-esteem. People talk plenty about needy women, but let's tell the truth: there are loads of needy little boys masquerading as men. Only neediness in men is often camouflaged by fits of anger and efforts to control  and manipulate his woman. I wish more men embraced spirituality and nurtured a relationship with a God of their understanding so that they can find happiness, wholeness and a sense of self in God. 

4.  You don't get to abuse me in the name of love 
One guy I tried to love would blow up at the slightest "infraction." He'd yell, pound his fist into his palm, and curse. I started to feel unsafe with him. I had to make him black history. Just because you got issues--and who doesn't--you don't get to verbally abuse me. If you can control your emotions with your boss and strangers, then you can learn to control them with me. I won't be your psychological punching bag under no circumstances. I wish you'd remember that I am a woman and I need your sweetness and protection. I'm not to be hurt, misused or abused. 

5. When to turn in their "player" card

A bunch of men are going to die alone, like the man who had a heart attack and wasn't missed until his dead body stank up his apartment complex. An old player is a sad sight indeed. They run from woman to woman, all because they are afraid. Afraid to be known. Afraid they're unlovable. Afraid they're not enough. I wish the old players would grow up! 

6. They're not that clever 
Just because a woman doesn't call you on your every lie doesn't mean she's asleep to them. A woman's intuition is better than the best GPS. I wish men were smart enough to know that your woman knows when you're lying. Remember the guy who thought himself a prize? Well, he was so arrogant he was stupid. He would tell lies and half-truths, thinking he was one step ahead me. It was a wrap when he cheated on me, uh, I mean on his character, and fed me 3-4 lies within minutes. I felt sad for him. He thought he was soooooo clever and smooth. Years later he's still trying to reel me back in. I wish he'd known a good thing when he had it and would have had the integrity required to keep it. 

7. How to be loved  

Everybody say they want somebody to love...but truth be told, lots of people don't know how to be loved. If a man doesn't love himself, he won't let anyone else love him. When we don't feel lovable, we sabotage our relationships with chaos, drama, constant complaining, whining, arguments. Truth is, some men just don't know how to let a woman love them. I wish they would learn to love themselves so they can let somebody else love them. 

Smooches! 

DeBora M. Ricks
Author of Why Did He Break Up With Me? Lessons in Love, Loss & Letting Go
Visit my website!

Why Nice Guys Finish Last, Part 2

The responses that I got from folks about my first installment of Why Nice Guys Finish Last were interesting. Like I stated in Part 1, I wrote the piece to help men. And some were pleased, said I helped them to understand a few things. One gentleman said, "it's seldom that a woman writes anything for the empowerment of men." Others were saddened by the piece, said they felt defeated and deflated. But don't despair. Nice guys don't always finish last. Read on to see when nice guys advance to the front of the line. Several women said I was spot on. A few women vehemently disagreed with me. I'll repeat, I wrote these posts, particularly Part 1, to help the man who is baffled about the choices women tend to make in men, even as they insist that all they want is a nice guy.

First, let me clear a few things up. A "nice guy" is not to be confused with a "good man." To tell you the truth, I can not begin to tell you what a good man is. That is, I can only tell you what I consider a good man. What some women call a good man has more do with what he has than who he is. I remember a friend who would only date professional men--doctors and lawyers and Indian Chiefs. Obviously, she considered these men good. Perhaps they were good men, to some woman. But to her? Not so much. At least not as far as I could see. One New Year's Eve when me and my beau went to fetch her and her date to attend a party she came to the door looking sad and downtrodden. Her "good man" had stood her up. I think this was her doctor guy. How good is a man who isn't even there for you? Who cares that he drives a Mercedes, wears Armani suits, has a six-figure income, and could play Michael Ealy's double in the next Steve Harvey's movie. If he's not there for you, then... Excuse me, that's another blog. 

So, a nice guy could be a good man. A bad boy, as I describe a bad boy, could also be a good man. It really depends on the woman.  

Okay, let's move forward. 

A mature woman in a relationship forums that I did said, in response to my question, "What do women want in a man?" said, "It depends on a woman's age." Another woman chimed in and said, "I would say it depends not on a woman's age but the stage she's in in her life." I agree with them both and think it's a tad of both. Consequently, what kind of man suits a woman's fancy will largely depend on where a woman in her life. Where she is--if she's being true to her needs rather than trying to live up to societal dictates or the expectations of others--will influence what kind of man she chooses to spend her days and nights with. 

Let me explain...by talking a bit about me. 

When I was in my twenties, in college, fresh off the steps and green as a cucumber about life, bad boys intrigued me. Men who seemed to know where they were going and what plane to board to get there fascinated me. The last thing I needed was a man as scared and timid as me. "Nice guys need not apply," was my credo. Well, I met a bad boy in college, UMBC, and fell madly in love with him. Chance didn't look like the proverbial bad boy. He didn't do drugs. Nor did he sling them. He didn't beat women and mistreat children. Neither had he ever spent time in jail. Chance, a frat brother, had confidence, was a leader, and knew how to take charge when a girl needed him to take charge.

You can read more about Chance in my first book, Love Addicted.

After college, I met Avery. I might be odd in that I never really pined for matrimony. But when I did consider getting married I'd have to admit that I wasn't much concerned with whether my intended was skilled at talking dirty or that he embodied danger. In fact, what appealed to me about Avery might be deemed the opposite of danger. I saw Avery as someone I could count on, someone who I could build something with, someone who was predictable and therefore perfect for me. So, my taste in men changed. He still had to be someone that I could imagine waking up to but now I insisted that he think and behave like a family man. When I think "bad boy" I don't also think marriage. The woman in marriage mode wants a man she can rely on, a man who's going to bring home the bacon, a man who is ready to build something with her. My husband, Avery, was a nice guy. The quality that stood out to me even then was how stable, reliable and consistent he was. Yes, when a woman is ready to settle in, to get married, to grow with a man, nice guys move to the front of the line. We still, however, want our nice guy to have some bad boy tendency when it comes to taking charge and taking us to bed.

Oh yeah, there's also more about Avery in Love Addicted.

We hook up with another person for a myriad of reasons: Maybe we want to banish loneliness. Perhaps we're looking to build something--a family, a house, a business and we imagine it would be easier and more fun to do it with another. Perhaps we desire clever conversation, over the moon sex, laugh out loud  fun and merriment, a hand-dance partner, a traveling companion. Which brings me to yet another stage in a woman's life. Very often when a woman has done all the above--been married, raised children, learned how to take care of herself emotionally and financially--her taste in men changes again. Why? Because her needs have changed. A mature woman with her own money and stuff, who knows who she is, what she wants, what matters most concerns herself less and less with a man's stuff, degrees, titles, and bank account. With fewer years ahead than behind her, she now wants to live a bit more on the edge. Bad boys tend to make wonderful play dates. And there's no need for adult supervision. Everybody's grown. 

This also must be said. A mature woman has undoubtedly experienced her share of betrayals, losses, disappointments, heart aches and heart breaks in love and relationships. If she has grown better, rather than bitter, now she's ready to live her life on her terms. Bad boys can make great playmates. 

And another thing. As a healthy woman matures, sex can get better and better and better. She's free from the fear of pregnancy, doesn't need a man to pay her mortgage, isn't necessarily wanting to build anything with a man, so she's FREE! If it is the bad boy that promises fun, laughter, and great sex, well then, it's the bad boy that she wants. Once a woman enters this stage in her life, and she feels little need to prove anything to the rest of y'all, then, to paraphrase Lena Horne, "she's free to do what she damn well pleases!" 

Let's recap. Women tend to choose men based on the stage they're in in life. When a woman just wanna have fun, the bad boy can be deliciously compelling. If she decides she wants to get married, if she's smart, the nice guy with some swag is what she holds out for. Once a woman has done all the stuff society tells her a so-called good woman does, the mature, financially and emotionally healthy woman tends to choose men who promise the best companionship, sex, and fun.

Smooches!
DeBora

DeBora M. Ricks
Author of Love Addicted: One Woman's Spiritual Journey through Emotional Dependency

To book me to speak, send emails to info@deboraricks.com
We'll be discussing my book, Love Addicted, and the impact of fatherlessness on intimate relationships  Thursday, May 10 from 9-10 PM on The Real Women of Baltimore Radio Show at WOLB 1010 AM and online at wolbbaltimore.com 

Why Nice Guys Finish Last, Part 1

I've been thinking about writing a blog on this topic for some time now. Then I facilitated a relationship forum for an organization and once again this topic surfaced. Generally speaking, women will have questions about men that we want answers to. This one though is in response to an issue that men sneak into conversations about relationships. So, I got answers. At the very least I will attempt to shed  some light on the matter. Know, like all of my blogs, this is my opinion. Another woman might feel completely different about this. Yet, I think what I share will enlighten a few men. 

Okay, let's dive in. Every time I hear my girl Mary J. Blige croon, "Bad boys ain't no good and good boys ain't no fun," I smile and nod my head knowingly. The issue that I alluded to early on is really a question that many "good boys" ask, that is, they want to know "Why DO nice guys finish last?" I appreciate their confusion.  Why, they want to know ladies, do we insist that we want a nice guy...but end up sleeping with and hooking up with bad boys? Even if I'm not talking to you, you certainly have a girlfriend for whom this is true. One "nice guy" is convinced that because the media criminalizes black men perfectly respectable women now desire and therefore choose thugs over nice guys like him. One young fella recently said to me, "Women talk about wanting a certain kind of man but that's not who they're sleeping with." 

I certainly cannot speak for all women but I will attempt to help nice guys understand what's going on here. First, let's be clear about these distinctions. Being a "bad boy" is NOT necessarily synonymous with being a thug, gangsta, player, womanizer, ex-offender, drug dealer, or abuser. Not necessarily. I must confess, however, I have been involved with my fair share of womanizer, players, and ex-offenders. And yet it wasn't their wayward behavior that charmed me. It was something else, largely their swag, wit, proclivity for fun, and sex appeal. It's the book reading bad boys who are curious, intelligent, spiritual, masculine, fun, honest, and passionate about life that I find supremely sexy these days. Well, uh, you might call these reformed bad boys. Or bad boys gone good. Get this, I recently learned that my father was a bad boy, so says a former therapist. For goodness sakes, the man was a Pentecostal minister! So what? she said. Bad boys come from all walks of life. In any event, good ole dad is partially to blame for my tendency towards bad boys. But that's enough about me, back to what constitutes a bad boy. Let's approach it this way. I'll list the reasons why I think women are attracted to bad boys. Then I'll tell you why nice guys finish last.

Why women love bad boys: 

• Women secretly like danger. Bad boys embody danger. It oozes from their muscles and pores. 
• Bad boys make a woman want to be good to them, want to do what they want them to do; that is, they inspire a woman to give in to them.
• Women are nurturers. Women want to take care of the bad boy. Or tame him. Probably a bit of both.
• The woman who adores men love the masculine energy, bad boys showcase and exploit their masculinity in the way they walk and talk.
• Women like to see, feel, and experience a man's strength and maleness. In a man's presence we want to feel more womanly. The more masculine energy a man exudes, the more feminine a woman feels.
• Bad boys are skilled at "talking dirty." 
• Bad boys can be very vocal and demonstrative about their appreciation of the female anatomy. 
• Bad boys can be elusive, emotionally. Women enjoy a challenge. Women like having to use their womanly wiles from time to time to get a man to buckle. 
• Bad boys are FUN! Shucks, sometimes a girl just wanna have fun.
• Bad boys are raw. Raw can be sexy.   
• Bad boys have swag. What is swag? Swag is confidence that borders on cockiness with a dab of aggression thrown in for good measure. The opposite of swag is timidity. I don't know a woman alive who gets turned on by timidity in a man. 
• Bad boys got flava. They sport their unique style, whether the world approves or not.
• With a bad boy a woman feels safe and protected, like if something crazy jumped off when they're out and about he'll handle bizness. 
• Last, but certainly not least, bad boys "promise" a woman she'll be satisfied in bed. No, it's not that they brag about it. It's in their swag.  A man's swag tells a woman, "If you ever let me touch you, I'll rock your world." Yes, sex is that powerful and compelling. As if you didn't know. 

This isn't an exhaustive list. But it should give the nice guy some insight into why women fall for bad boys. 

Now, let me be clear. What some men think is a nice guy is simply a self-absorbed, humorless, much too serious fella who doesn't understand what turns women on. That said, some men who have spent a lot years studying and working their way up the corporate ladder fall into the nice guy category. The time bad boys were studying women and learning ways to get in their heads and please them in bed, the nice guy was studying business administration and computer science. Consequently, the nice guy can be at a disadvantage when it comes to wooing a woman. I for one like nice guys. Nice guys with a healthy dose of swag advance to the front of any line I'm forming. 

In any event, let me share why I think nice guys finish last: 

• Nice guys live in their heads too much, rather than their senses, heart, and soul.
• Nice guys don't know when to ask permission and when to just take charge. 
• Nice guys often try too hard to please. 
• Nice guys are often FUN impaired.
• Nice guys believe too much of what women say about what we want. We lie, to ourselves about what we want. Not deliberately do women lie. But women lie because we're not always ready to tell you how we really feel. Women want men to intuit a lot of stuff. I know, it's not logical. But love and matters of the heart aren't logical. 
• Nice guys aren't mysterious or dangerous. Women like both. 
• Nice guys talk too much about some things and too little about other things; like too much about themselves and their jobs and not enough about the woman, how delectable and fine she is, and light and fun stuff.
• Even strong, independent, powerful women desire to be swept off their feet and ravished in the bedroom. Nice guys don't make a woman imagine he can pull such a feat off.

All "nice guys" aren't nice. That is, some so-called nice guys are educated, degreed, self-absorbed, arrogant, disrespectful bores who only label themselves nice guys because they need an excuse for why they're not fairing so well with the ladies. By the way, real nice guys, once they tweak a few things that tend to land them in the dreaded "friend zone" can move to the head of the line with women.

Oh, and all "bad boys" aren't all bad. Some bad boys are good boys in disguise. Yep, these guys wear bad boy gear, attitudes, postures and gestures because being bad is cool, and women like it. Other bad boys have a "come to Jesus" experience or just grow tired of their womanizing, thuggish, criminal ways and finally settle down. If they're not all worn out from the game and still got swag left, swag is always en vogue. Some woman will want him. 

Women favor bad boys, partially, because of Hollywood. American movies glorify the bad boy. Think the parts portrayed by Will Smith, Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Harrison Ford, Samuel L. Jackson and more and more, Denzel Washington. It's the bad boy that always accomplishes the impossible mission, gets the beautiful woman, and ends up rich and famous and celebrated. Bad boys do what they gotta do, by any means necessary. A do-what-you-gotta-do approach to life (for me, that does not include criminal behavior) is a characteristic women reserve for "real" men.

I have more to say on this topic, so look for Part 2 to Why Nice Guys Finish Last. I'll tell you the fundamental reason why women fall for bad boys and what happens to a woman that can change her choices in men. If you have some thoughts on this topic, do leave a comment. 

Smooches!
DeBora M. Ricks
Author/Speaker/Attorney
www.DeBoraRicks.com