7 Things I Wish Men Knew

I often write about what women need to know about charming and enchanting men, attracting and loving a man, and how to keep it right and tight.  But I'm a heterosexual woman who has been in relationships with men who thought they were smarter about love and relationships than they really were. Perhaps if these men knew the things I'm about to share, they might experience more success in their intimate relationships.

Okay, here are 7 things I wish men knew: 

1. The difference between a determined woman and a desperate one 
When I love a man, I, uh, love him. If I commit to him, well then I'm committed. Sure, once upon a time I was a sick little love junkie. (Wrote a book about it, want to read it?) Anyhoo, it saddens me that too many brothers simply cannot distinguish a woman determined to make love work with them from a desperate one. Get this, if a woman has a VaJJ...she can get another man quicker than you can download the latest Smartphone app. Know the difference between a woman who wants you and one who needs you. 

2. A car, a house, a Bank of America savings account don't give you a license to take me for granted  
There's a beliefs swirling among black men and women that there's a woeful shortage in good black men.  Well, I've been involved with a couple of brothers, who, because they had a little somethin' somethin' they took me for granted. One guy, from time to time, would even remind me that I wasn't the only woman that wanted him. Like Jamie Foxx, he wanted me to know he had options. I only wish he understood that I too had options and if he ever decided to take me granted it won't matter how pretty his car is, he too could be replaced. 

3. It's your job, not mine 
It's not my job to take care of you emotionally. Sure, I'll be there for you, be your soft place to fall, be your friend, confidante, lover, partner, cheerleader, supporter. But it's not my job to make you happy, feel whole, and grow your self-esteem. People talk plenty about needy women, but let's tell the truth: there are loads of needy little boys masquerading as men. Only neediness in men is often camouflaged by fits of anger and efforts to control  and manipulate his woman. I wish more men embraced spirituality and nurtured a relationship with a God of their understanding so that they can find happiness, wholeness and a sense of self in God. 

4.  You don't get to abuse me in the name of love 
One guy I tried to love would blow up at the slightest "infraction." He'd yell, pound his fist into his palm, and curse. I started to feel unsafe with him. I had to make him black history. Just because you got issues--and who doesn't--you don't get to verbally abuse me. If you can control your emotions with your boss and strangers, then you can learn to control them with me. I won't be your psychological punching bag under no circumstances. I wish you'd remember that I am a woman and I need your sweetness and protection. I'm not to be hurt, misused or abused. 

5. When to turn in their "player" card

A bunch of men are going to die alone, like the man who had a heart attack and wasn't missed until his dead body stank up his apartment complex. An old player is a sad sight indeed. They run from woman to woman, all because they are afraid. Afraid to be known. Afraid they're unlovable. Afraid they're not enough. I wish the old players would grow up! 

6. They're not that clever 
Just because a woman doesn't call you on your every lie doesn't mean she's asleep to them. A woman's intuition is better than the best GPS. I wish men were smart enough to know that your woman knows when you're lying. Remember the guy who thought himself a prize? Well, he was so arrogant he was stupid. He would tell lies and half-truths, thinking he was one step ahead me. It was a wrap when he cheated on me, uh, I mean on his character, and fed me 3-4 lies within minutes. I felt sad for him. He thought he was soooooo clever and smooth. Years later he's still trying to reel me back in. I wish he'd known a good thing when he had it and would have had the integrity required to keep it. 

7. How to be loved  

Everybody say they want somebody to love...but truth be told, lots of people don't know how to be loved. If a man doesn't love himself, he won't let anyone else love him. When we don't feel lovable, we sabotage our relationships with chaos, drama, constant complaining, whining, arguments. Truth is, some men just don't know how to let a woman love them. I wish they would learn to love themselves so they can let somebody else love them. 

Smooches! 

DeBora M. Ricks
Author of Why Did He Break Up With Me? Lessons in Love, Loss & Letting Go
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