7 Things I Wish Men Knew

I often write about what women need to know about charming and enchanting men, attracting and loving a man, and how to keep it right and tight.  But I'm a heterosexual woman who has been in relationships with men who thought they were smarter about love and relationships than they really were. Perhaps if these men knew the things I'm about to share, they might experience more success in their intimate relationships.

Okay, here are 7 things I wish men knew: 

1. The difference between a determined woman and a desperate one 
When I love a man, I, uh, love him. If I commit to him, well then I'm committed. Sure, once upon a time I was a sick little love junkie. (Wrote a book about it, want to read it?) Anyhoo, it saddens me that too many brothers simply cannot distinguish a woman determined to make love work with them from a desperate one. Get this, if a woman has a VaJJ...she can get another man quicker than you can download the latest Smartphone app. Know the difference between a woman who wants you and one who needs you. 

2. A car, a house, a Bank of America savings account don't give you a license to take me for granted  
There's a beliefs swirling among black men and women that there's a woeful shortage in good black men.  Well, I've been involved with a couple of brothers, who, because they had a little somethin' somethin' they took me for granted. One guy, from time to time, would even remind me that I wasn't the only woman that wanted him. Like Jamie Foxx, he wanted me to know he had options. I only wish he understood that I too had options and if he ever decided to take me granted it won't matter how pretty his car is, he too could be replaced. 

3. It's your job, not mine 
It's not my job to take care of you emotionally. Sure, I'll be there for you, be your soft place to fall, be your friend, confidante, lover, partner, cheerleader, supporter. But it's not my job to make you happy, feel whole, and grow your self-esteem. People talk plenty about needy women, but let's tell the truth: there are loads of needy little boys masquerading as men. Only neediness in men is often camouflaged by fits of anger and efforts to control  and manipulate his woman. I wish more men embraced spirituality and nurtured a relationship with a God of their understanding so that they can find happiness, wholeness and a sense of self in God. 

4.  You don't get to abuse me in the name of love 
One guy I tried to love would blow up at the slightest "infraction." He'd yell, pound his fist into his palm, and curse. I started to feel unsafe with him. I had to make him black history. Just because you got issues--and who doesn't--you don't get to verbally abuse me. If you can control your emotions with your boss and strangers, then you can learn to control them with me. I won't be your psychological punching bag under no circumstances. I wish you'd remember that I am a woman and I need your sweetness and protection. I'm not to be hurt, misused or abused. 

5. When to turn in their "player" card

A bunch of men are going to die alone, like the man who had a heart attack and wasn't missed until his dead body stank up his apartment complex. An old player is a sad sight indeed. They run from woman to woman, all because they are afraid. Afraid to be known. Afraid they're unlovable. Afraid they're not enough. I wish the old players would grow up! 

6. They're not that clever 
Just because a woman doesn't call you on your every lie doesn't mean she's asleep to them. A woman's intuition is better than the best GPS. I wish men were smart enough to know that your woman knows when you're lying. Remember the guy who thought himself a prize? Well, he was so arrogant he was stupid. He would tell lies and half-truths, thinking he was one step ahead me. It was a wrap when he cheated on me, uh, I mean on his character, and fed me 3-4 lies within minutes. I felt sad for him. He thought he was soooooo clever and smooth. Years later he's still trying to reel me back in. I wish he'd known a good thing when he had it and would have had the integrity required to keep it. 

7. How to be loved  

Everybody say they want somebody to love...but truth be told, lots of people don't know how to be loved. If a man doesn't love himself, he won't let anyone else love him. When we don't feel lovable, we sabotage our relationships with chaos, drama, constant complaining, whining, arguments. Truth is, some men just don't know how to let a woman love them. I wish they would learn to love themselves so they can let somebody else love them. 

Smooches! 

DeBora M. Ricks
Author of Why Did He Break Up With Me? Lessons in Love, Loss & Letting Go
Visit my website!

Pissed? This May Save Your Relationship

I remember when I was a teenager, whenever I had an upset I'd run to the phone and call my big sister. This practice became so habitual that one of my younger sisters would joke, when she saw me reach for the phone, "What you doin', calling Dr. Vern?" Yup, that's precisely what I was doing.

I wish I could tell you that when I entered my twenties I stopped relying on my sister to help me feel better whenever I got upset or scared. I didn't. What I can tell you is that I've finally learned the meaning of emotional sufficiency. But before I accepted that it's mine, not my sister's, man's, or mother's job to calm me down whenever I experienced emotions that didn't feel good, for years I was emotionally dependent upon others.

Do you understand that it's not your spouse's, man's, woman's, or family's responsibility to always be at your beck and call when your emotions are in turmoil? Really. Not only that, you have the power to soothe yourself. Really, you do.

Here's what I now do when my emotions are highly charged. You might find this helpful. Say your Boo does something that hurts your feelings. Your emotions are high. You really need him to say something that will make you feel better. But he's gotta get to work. No time to discuss things. With these strategies you're only three steps away from sanity.

1. Sit still. Cry if you want or need to. You're hurt. If you don't cry, that hurt can morph into anger. Anger will tell you to do stupid things, like go to his job. Or call him a hundred times. Or end the relationship. Or...you get the picture. 
2. Treat your feelings like they're a person about to jump off a tall building. Talk them down from there. That person about to jump is about to use a permanent solution for a temporary problem. Emotions change. They don't come to stay. They come to pass. Have a word with yourself, be gentle, kind, and sweet. But talk some sense into yourself.
3. Ask yourself, "Is this true? Am I absolutely sure that he doesn't love me? Has he ever shown me love?" That is, don't permit that one incident, slight, situation to make you conclude something irrational. 

Remember that feelings AREN'T facts. Just because your feelings tell you that your man doesn't care doesn't mean that's a fact. Feelings don't lie but the thoughts behind the feelings do. Your thought that he doesn't love you is likely a lie. Sure, he might have been harsh, mean, and insensitive. But does this mean he doesn't love you? Probably not. Healthy people put their intellect in charge of their feelings; while emotionally unstable people let their feelings dictate their beliefs and actions. Like a therapist once cautioned me, "Don't believe everything you think." For sure, that's a recipe for disaster.

Yes, have a word with your emotions, before you have that conversation. You just may save your relationship.

Smooches! 

DeBora M. Ricks 

Author/Speaker/Producer

Books: Why Did He Break Up With Me? Lessons in Love, Loss & Letting Go & Love Addicted: One Woman's Spiritual Journey Through Emotional Dependency 

Visit my website!

C'mon, Show Brothers Some Love

I love black women. Shucks, I'm a black woman, uh, if that wasn't already apparent I thought I'd state the obvious. I love ME, so love for my sisters come easy. I love black men, too. Sure, black men can sometimes be challenging for a multitude of reasons. And yes, many haven't stepped up to the plate...or even made sure the plate was full when their babies needed some porridge. Too many of our brothers, fathers, sons, mates are on drugs, on the streets or in prison. I know, I know and lots of them are lost and confused and emotionally unstable. Too many are abusive, verbally and physically. Not enough of them see theirs or our value. 

Still, there are many black men who are great dads, fine husbands, committed partners, business men handling their bizness, college students, loyal guy friends, fearless leaders, and more. 

It's not as if I've not have my challenges with men. My minister father treated me like he didn't want or love me.  I've had boyfriends who cheated on me, were verbally abusive, and were MIA when I needed them most. But if you'd do a background check on me re: my intimate relationships, oh well, brothers could tell you life "ain't been no crystal stairs" with DeBora either. At least it wasn't always smooth sailing from start to finish. I got my issues. They got theirs. Still, none of this makes me or him unlovable or undeserving of love, respect, and recognition.  

Despite it all, we have a responsibility to show each other some love. Yes, I chose that word "responsibility" quite deliberately. If we say we love God, and 90% of Americans claim to believe in a God of their understanding, then we must learn to love our brothers, again. How can you say you love God, whom you can't see, but despise your brother...who you see and walk by daily?  

To my sisters I say, if you truly desire a good relationship with ONE black man, then get busy forgiving ALL black men. Any man who has disrespected, ignored, devalued, left, hurt, harmed, betrayed, abandoned, beat, abused, molested, or raped you deserves your forgiveness. More importantly, YOU deserve the benefits of forgiving ALL. Forgiveness FREES you. Forgiving my dad was the best thing I did for me! Why not adopt what Jesus said about those who hung him on the cross, "Forgive them Father for they know not what they do."