Pissed? This May Save Your Relationship

I remember when I was a teenager, whenever I had an upset I'd run to the phone and call my big sister. This practice became so habitual that one of my younger sisters would joke, when she saw me reach for the phone, "What you doin', calling Dr. Vern?" Yup, that's precisely what I was doing.

I wish I could tell you that when I entered my twenties I stopped relying on my sister to help me feel better whenever I got upset or scared. I didn't. What I can tell you is that I've finally learned the meaning of emotional sufficiency. But before I accepted that it's mine, not my sister's, man's, or mother's job to calm me down whenever I experienced emotions that didn't feel good, for years I was emotionally dependent upon others.

Do you understand that it's not your spouse's, man's, woman's, or family's responsibility to always be at your beck and call when your emotions are in turmoil? Really. Not only that, you have the power to soothe yourself. Really, you do.

Here's what I now do when my emotions are highly charged. You might find this helpful. Say your Boo does something that hurts your feelings. Your emotions are high. You really need him to say something that will make you feel better. But he's gotta get to work. No time to discuss things. With these strategies you're only three steps away from sanity.

1. Sit still. Cry if you want or need to. You're hurt. If you don't cry, that hurt can morph into anger. Anger will tell you to do stupid things, like go to his job. Or call him a hundred times. Or end the relationship. Or...you get the picture. 
2. Treat your feelings like they're a person about to jump off a tall building. Talk them down from there. That person about to jump is about to use a permanent solution for a temporary problem. Emotions change. They don't come to stay. They come to pass. Have a word with yourself, be gentle, kind, and sweet. But talk some sense into yourself.
3. Ask yourself, "Is this true? Am I absolutely sure that he doesn't love me? Has he ever shown me love?" That is, don't permit that one incident, slight, situation to make you conclude something irrational. 

Remember that feelings AREN'T facts. Just because your feelings tell you that your man doesn't care doesn't mean that's a fact. Feelings don't lie but the thoughts behind the feelings do. Your thought that he doesn't love you is likely a lie. Sure, he might have been harsh, mean, and insensitive. But does this mean he doesn't love you? Probably not. Healthy people put their intellect in charge of their feelings; while emotionally unstable people let their feelings dictate their beliefs and actions. Like a therapist once cautioned me, "Don't believe everything you think." For sure, that's a recipe for disaster.

Yes, have a word with your emotions, before you have that conversation. You just may save your relationship.

Smooches! 

DeBora M. Ricks 

Author/Speaker/Producer

Books: Why Did He Break Up With Me? Lessons in Love, Loss & Letting Go & Love Addicted: One Woman's Spiritual Journey Through Emotional Dependency 

Visit my website!

Emotional High Maintenance

I attended the Enoch Pratt's Booklovers Breakfast back in May. During Q&A, at the mic, I got to converse with the handsome, smart and accomplished Hill Harper, this year's guest author. Lucky me, right? After my comment on his suggestion that black women date men with "potential," he looked across the room at me and asked, "What do you look for in a man?" You know a part of me wanted to say sweetly, "Can I answer that over coffee?" but instead I said after a moment of thought, "Honesty, integrity and accountability." Yes, I thought, that's a good answer.

What I didn't say but would have added had I more time to think about it, "The man for me also needs to be emotionally secure and mature." I have learned from a recent experience that the emotionally unavailable man isn't just married, drug addicted, a womanizer, a workaholic; the emotionally inaccessible can also be the emotionally insecure, unstable, or immature fellow. He's what I call Emotional High Maintenance. EHM is just another way for someone, man or woman, to be unavailable for intimacy and love.

Our emotions are powerful forces indeed. Strong, unwanted emotions drive people to abuse food and drugs, overspend, strike out violently, isolate, and succumb to depression. Cherished relationships can become strained, distant, violent, empty, contentious, cold, vindictive, or just plain unbearable all because the people in them aren't adept at self-soothing, clearing, and expressing painful emotions in healthy ways, ways that sustain and preserve their relationships.

Energy+ motion = emotion. Repressed, i.e., trapped emotions surface as dis-ease in the mind, body and spirit. We honor our emotions by telling ourselves the truth about what and how we feel. When we do this without allowing our emotions to run amok, dictate our behavior, blame others for how we feel that's emotional maturity. In fact, acknowledged feelings often need nothing more than to be felt and heard. Feelings aren't facts. Just because you feel something doesn't mean it's true. Rather, feelings are information. Anger at a mate might indicate a boundary violation, perhaps a boundary you didn't even know existed. Disappointment could mean your expectations of another are unreasonable.

Emotional health and maturity are vital to success in love, career, finances. Fly off the handle at your supervisor and next week you might be filing for unemployment. Blame your lover too many times for something he isn't doing and soon you might be sleeping alone. Spend your mortgage money on clothes and shoes and the bank will help you relocate.

It's time to grow up emotionally. Here's some ways I've found to get emotionally fit and healthy:

• Forgive, begin with your parents
• Make peace with the past then leave it behind you where it belongs
• Take full responsibility for your feelings/emotions. Express them often
• Learn to self-soothe, before you speak or act
• Practice forgiveness of self and others daily
• Own your feelings and stop blaming others for them
• Pray, meditate and journal often

Like confidence, emotional maturity is supremely sexy. It's also great for your relationships, wallet, health and career. Take good care of yourself in mind, body, and spirit and your emotional health will soar!

If you cannot find peace within yourself, you will never find it anywhere else. -Marvin Gaye