I remember when I was a teenager, whenever I had an upset I'd run to the phone and call my big sister. This practice became so habitual that one of my younger sisters would joke, when she saw me reach for the phone, "What you doin', calling Dr. Vern?" Yup, that's precisely what I was doing.
I wish I could tell you that when I entered my twenties I stopped relying on my sister to help me feel better whenever I got upset or scared. I didn't. What I can tell you is that I've finally learned the meaning of emotional sufficiency. But before I accepted that it's mine, not my sister's, man's, or mother's job to calm me down whenever I experienced emotions that didn't feel good, for years I was emotionally dependent upon others.
Do you understand that it's not your spouse's, man's, woman's, or family's responsibility to always be at your beck and call when your emotions are in turmoil? Really. Not only that, you have the power to soothe yourself. Really, you do.
Here's what I now do when my emotions are highly charged. You might find this helpful. Say your Boo does something that hurts your feelings. Your emotions are high. You really need him to say something that will make you feel better. But he's gotta get to work. No time to discuss things. With these strategies you're only three steps away from sanity.
- Sit still. Cry if you want or need to. You're hurt. If you don't cry, that hurt can morph into anger. Anger will tell you to do stupid things, like go to his job. Or call him a hundred times. Or end the relationship. Or...you get the picture.
- Treat your feelings like they're a person about to jump off a tall building. Talk them down from there. That person about to jump is about to use a permanent solution for a temporary problem. Emotions change. They don't come to stay. They come to pass. Have a word with yourself, be gentle, kind, and sweet. But talk some sense into yourself.
- Ask yourself, "Is this true? Am I absolutely sure that he doesn't love me? Has he ever shown me love?" That is, don't permit that one incident, slight, situation to make you conclude something irrational.
Remember that feelings AREN'T facts. Just because your feelings tell you that your man doesn't care doesn't mean that's a fact. Feelings don't lie but the thoughts behind the feelings do. Your thought that he doesn't love you is likely a lie. Sure, he might have been harsh, mean, and insensitive. But does this mean he doesn't love you? Probably not. Healthy people put their intellect in charge of their feelings; while emotionally unstable people let their feelings dictate their beliefs and actions. Like a therapist once cautioned me, "Don't believe everything you think." For sure, that's a recipe for disaster.
Yes, have a word with your emotions, before you have that conversation. You just may save your relationship.
Smooches!
Yes, have a word with your emotions, before you have that conversation. You just may save your relationship.
Smooches!
DeBora M. Ricks
Author/Speaker/Producer
Books: Why Did He Break Up With Me? Lessons in Love, Loss & Letting Go & Love Addicted: One Woman's Spiritual Journey Through Emotional Dependency
