Why Nice Guys Finish Last, Part 1

I've been thinking about writing a blog on this topic for some time now. Then I facilitated a relationship forum for an organization and once again this topic surfaced. Generally speaking, women will have questions about men that we want answers to. This one though is in response to an issue that men sneak into conversations about relationships. So, I got answers. At the very least I will attempt to shed  some light on the matter. Know, like all of my blogs, this is my opinion. Another woman might feel completely different about this. Yet, I think what I share will enlighten a few men. 

Okay, let's dive in. Every time I hear my girl Mary J. Blige croon, "Bad boys ain't no good and good boys ain't no fun," I smile and nod my head knowingly. The issue that I alluded to early on is really a question that many "good boys" ask, that is, they want to know "Why DO nice guys finish last?" I appreciate their confusion.  Why, they want to know ladies, do we insist that we want a nice guy...but end up sleeping with and hooking up with bad boys? Even if I'm not talking to you, you certainly have a girlfriend for whom this is true. One "nice guy" is convinced that because the media criminalizes black men perfectly respectable women now desire and therefore choose thugs over nice guys like him. One young fella recently said to me, "Women talk about wanting a certain kind of man but that's not who they're sleeping with." 

I certainly cannot speak for all women but I will attempt to help nice guys understand what's going on here. First, let's be clear about these distinctions. Being a "bad boy" is NOT necessarily synonymous with being a thug, gangsta, player, womanizer, ex-offender, drug dealer, or abuser. Not necessarily. I must confess, however, I have been involved with my fair share of womanizer, players, and ex-offenders. And yet it wasn't their wayward behavior that charmed me. It was something else, largely their swag, wit, proclivity for fun, and sex appeal. It's the book reading bad boys who are curious, intelligent, spiritual, masculine, fun, honest, and passionate about life that I find supremely sexy these days. Well, uh, you might call these reformed bad boys. Or bad boys gone good. Get this, I recently learned that my father was a bad boy, so says a former therapist. For goodness sakes, the man was a Pentecostal minister! So what? she said. Bad boys come from all walks of life. In any event, good ole dad is partially to blame for my tendency towards bad boys. But that's enough about me, back to what constitutes a bad boy. Let's approach it this way. I'll list the reasons why I think women are attracted to bad boys. Then I'll tell you why nice guys finish last.

Why women love bad boys: 

• Women secretly like danger. Bad boys embody danger. It oozes from their muscles and pores. 
• Bad boys make a woman want to be good to them, want to do what they want them to do; that is, they inspire a woman to give in to them.
• Women are nurturers. Women want to take care of the bad boy. Or tame him. Probably a bit of both.
• The woman who adores men love the masculine energy, bad boys showcase and exploit their masculinity in the way they walk and talk.
• Women like to see, feel, and experience a man's strength and maleness. In a man's presence we want to feel more womanly. The more masculine energy a man exudes, the more feminine a woman feels.
• Bad boys are skilled at "talking dirty." 
• Bad boys can be very vocal and demonstrative about their appreciation of the female anatomy. 
• Bad boys can be elusive, emotionally. Women enjoy a challenge. Women like having to use their womanly wiles from time to time to get a man to buckle. 
• Bad boys are FUN! Shucks, sometimes a girl just wanna have fun.
• Bad boys are raw. Raw can be sexy.   
• Bad boys have swag. What is swag? Swag is confidence that borders on cockiness with a dab of aggression thrown in for good measure. The opposite of swag is timidity. I don't know a woman alive who gets turned on by timidity in a man. 
• Bad boys got flava. They sport their unique style, whether the world approves or not.
• With a bad boy a woman feels safe and protected, like if something crazy jumped off when they're out and about he'll handle bizness. 
• Last, but certainly not least, bad boys "promise" a woman she'll be satisfied in bed. No, it's not that they brag about it. It's in their swag.  A man's swag tells a woman, "If you ever let me touch you, I'll rock your world." Yes, sex is that powerful and compelling. As if you didn't know. 

This isn't an exhaustive list. But it should give the nice guy some insight into why women fall for bad boys. 

Now, let me be clear. What some men think is a nice guy is simply a self-absorbed, humorless, much too serious fella who doesn't understand what turns women on. That said, some men who have spent a lot years studying and working their way up the corporate ladder fall into the nice guy category. The time bad boys were studying women and learning ways to get in their heads and please them in bed, the nice guy was studying business administration and computer science. Consequently, the nice guy can be at a disadvantage when it comes to wooing a woman. I for one like nice guys. Nice guys with a healthy dose of swag advance to the front of any line I'm forming. 

In any event, let me share why I think nice guys finish last: 

• Nice guys live in their heads too much, rather than their senses, heart, and soul.
• Nice guys don't know when to ask permission and when to just take charge. 
• Nice guys often try too hard to please. 
• Nice guys are often FUN impaired.
• Nice guys believe too much of what women say about what we want. We lie, to ourselves about what we want. Not deliberately do women lie. But women lie because we're not always ready to tell you how we really feel. Women want men to intuit a lot of stuff. I know, it's not logical. But love and matters of the heart aren't logical. 
• Nice guys aren't mysterious or dangerous. Women like both. 
• Nice guys talk too much about some things and too little about other things; like too much about themselves and their jobs and not enough about the woman, how delectable and fine she is, and light and fun stuff.
• Even strong, independent, powerful women desire to be swept off their feet and ravished in the bedroom. Nice guys don't make a woman imagine he can pull such a feat off.

All "nice guys" aren't nice. That is, some so-called nice guys are educated, degreed, self-absorbed, arrogant, disrespectful bores who only label themselves nice guys because they need an excuse for why they're not fairing so well with the ladies. By the way, real nice guys, once they tweak a few things that tend to land them in the dreaded "friend zone" can move to the head of the line with women.

Oh, and all "bad boys" aren't all bad. Some bad boys are good boys in disguise. Yep, these guys wear bad boy gear, attitudes, postures and gestures because being bad is cool, and women like it. Other bad boys have a "come to Jesus" experience or just grow tired of their womanizing, thuggish, criminal ways and finally settle down. If they're not all worn out from the game and still got swag left, swag is always en vogue. Some woman will want him. 

Women favor bad boys, partially, because of Hollywood. American movies glorify the bad boy. Think the parts portrayed by Will Smith, Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Harrison Ford, Samuel L. Jackson and more and more, Denzel Washington. It's the bad boy that always accomplishes the impossible mission, gets the beautiful woman, and ends up rich and famous and celebrated. Bad boys do what they gotta do, by any means necessary. A do-what-you-gotta-do approach to life (for me, that does not include criminal behavior) is a characteristic women reserve for "real" men.

I have more to say on this topic, so look for Part 2 to Why Nice Guys Finish Last. I'll tell you the fundamental reason why women fall for bad boys and what happens to a woman that can change her choices in men. If you have some thoughts on this topic, do leave a comment. 

Smooches!
DeBora M. Ricks
Author/Speaker/Attorney
www.DeBoraRicks.com