Sitting in the silence, I was led to call my mother's pastor, Pastor S, who I have claimed as my dad. I called him because twelve days ago he buried his beloved wife, Sister Bertha. Given how integral death is to life you'd think we'd know by now what to say to people to soothe their hurting hearts after the loss of someone they treasured. But most times we don't. I, however, managed to ask the right question and listen because I know now it isn't about what I say, rather it's about what the one grieving says, or doesn't get to say, that stunts or fosters healing.
I asked Pastor S who was assisting him? He told me his son, Stacey, was taking care of his Columbia church and that Elder Graves was managing the Baltimore church. People were putting three course meals in front of him, though he had no appetite. I asked what he needed. Again he told me about the many people that were managing his churches. "I'm not talking about your churches, I know those are fine. I'm asking if you have someone to talk to, someone to laugh with...?" I said. "I wish I had someone to laugh with," he said rather emphatically. Then I asked, "How long were you all together?" "We had been together 50 years, I buried her on our fiftieth anniversary." Good grief! A true until death do we part story. Then Pastor S went on to tell me about how Bertha had waited for him when he went to war; that his father assured him that she was The One.
I called my sister Ayo. I shared my conversation with Pastor S with her. Ayo's son Baba, my beloved 21-year-old nephew, recently buried two of the most influential men in his life, his dad and his best friend. Ayo, who is a licensed social worker, gained such wisdom about the supreme importance of grieving as she supported her son in moving through that process. Pastor S, we decided, got everything he needs BUT someone to help him move THROUGH the grief process. See, we live in a society that goes hard, one that pushes us to just get over it, quick. We don't do well with feelings and tears, so we give people two weeks to a month to grieve ANY loss. After about a month we fully expect them to get up and get on with life. Well, we can't get on with life until we have honored ourselves enough to feel the full brunt of our loss, cry, talk, bemoan, talk some more, cry until we have cried out.
A loss is a loss is a loss. See, if there's sadness or melancholy around ANY loss, you deserve to acknowledge what you feel and grieve it. Right now I'm experiencing the loss of some friendships and how things were. Talking to my guy friend has helped me to get to acceptance, which is the fifth and final stage of grief and loss as outlined by Elisabeth Kubler Ross. We all experience loss. All losses are accompanied by pain. Shoot, the loss of a special pair of earring can upset a woman's afternoon. Honor your losses. Anything that once was but no longer is can be experienced as a loss, such as the loss of one's hair, youth, size 6 body, child, relationship, friendship, job, spouse, dream, home, health, voice, eyesight, mobility, support, or freedom. Acknowledge them. Let yourself feel anger, sadness, fear, shock, dismay, even hopelessness. Resist the temptation to stuff and repress your feelings with food, shopping, working, drinking, drugging, sexing. Instead, find someone who will listen and let you cry.
Good grief! Charlie Brown knew grief was good and healthy. Now it's time the rest of us know. We are able to experience joy, laughter, and hope only to the extent that we are able to experience the so called "negative" emotions, sorrow and sadness. Give yourself permission to properly grieve. And give that gift to those you cherish, by listening to their sad and happy stories, regrets, and fears about their loss and letting them cry.
When I talked to Pastor S I didn't know how I might assist him as he mourns the loss of his beloved Bertha. My sister Ayo told me, "You can be the one who listens."
In love & light,
DeBora M. Ricks
Author of Love Addicted: One Woman's Spiritual Journey through Emotional Dependency
To book me to speak call 410.599.2131 or send email to Info@DeBoraricks.com
Get your FREE E-book at www.DeBoraRicks.com
very nice view point. if we allow ourselves to mourn our losses and to get through them as needed we become a greater person. sometimes, people think only a month or so is enough to get through our woes, but if they acknowleges that it took so much longer to get to that state of mind where we need to heal our woes and allow us to be sad, cry and vent they would be such better friends
ReplyDeleteYes, yes! Grieving is a natural part of living, loving, losing, and growing.
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