I Dropped the Ball

Lebron James Picked up the Ball

In a radio interview I made an excuse as to why I hadn't blogged for months. "I'm working on getting a Wordpress blog, for more visibility," I said. That's true. And still, even as those words rolled off my tongue something in me knew I was making an excuse. Something in me knew the truth: I'd dropped the ball. I'd dropped the ball when I stopped blogging, when I ceased to do something that I'd committed to doing, something that matters to me, something I'm meant to do, something that honors the commitment that I made to myself to give to the world through the written word.

So, let me confess the truth to you: I dropped the ball. That's what came to me as I walked through Druid Hill Park the other day. Before I fessed up though, I beat myself up. You understand, we tend to beat ourselves up when don't keep the commitments we make...to ourselves. Or we fail to live up to our own self-concept. As soon as I was able to tell myself the truth not only did I feel better but I freed myself to do something about the dropped ball.

What's more I had an epiphany. Yes, I'd dropped the ball. So has Lebron James. Still James is deemed one of the best basketball players of all times. Ray Lewis has dropped his share of balls. Still he took the Baltimore Ravens to the Super Bowl. James and Lewis are winners. You know why? They are winners because when they drop a ball they bend down and pick it
up. Yup, that's what winners do. Winners don't make excuses for why they dropped the ball. Winners don't stand there staring at the ball on the floor. Winners bend over and pick up the ball and keep playing the game.

Okay, you've dropped a ball or two too. But guess what, if you stay in the game you are playing to win. So the next time you drop a ball, waste no time explaining, lying, denying what you've done. Shucks, humans drop balls. Just make sure you stay in the game. Either pick the ball up, or decide it's not your ball to play. Whatever you do, stay in the game and play to win!

DeBora M. Ricks

Author/Speaker/Producer 

Why Did He Break Up With Me? Lessons in Love, Loss & Letting Go

Visit my website!

Sisters Gathering to Heal our Relationships

I know it's not easy to forgive. And yet, if we're to have sweet and juicy relationships we must forgive the people that hurt us. All of them. I forgave my charming, minister father for abusing and abandoning me; that single act changed the course of my life.

Spirit led me to put a call out to Sisters, black, white, Asian, Hispanic and any other race, to come, let's heal our relationships through FORGIVENESS. Here I share two of the healing mantras, Ho'oponopono and Healing Mantra Movement, with you. www.DeBoraRicks.com

Do You Love Enough to Leave?

Have you ever loved someone only to discover that your presence in their life was like kryptonite? That your leaving them would be for his and your highest and best good? Author of the groundbreaking book, The Road Less Travelled, M. Scott Peck, offers what I consider one of the best definitions of love that I've heard when he says "love is the willingness to extend oneself for the spiritual growth of oneself and another." 

Anybody who knows anything about drug addiction has heard the term "Enabler." What are Enablers? Enablers are caretakers and codependents and controllers, people who "over take" their loved ones lives with "care" and control. They "over" take care of others to avoid having to face their own emptiness, fears,  loneliness, dragons and demons. We can enable others, people we claim to love, to do more than abuse drugs and alcohol. We can enable a beloved to "use" whatever it is that they over indulge in to keep  from facing their dragons, dragons that must be faced if they are to grow and evolve into the people they are meant to be. Well, I've had a few enablers and I've been an enabler. 

Are you wondering if you're an enabler? You're an Enabler if: 

• you do things for your beloved that they ought to do for themselves. 
• you let a "grown" man or woman move in with you not because he or she is committed to building a life with you but they are homeless or about to be. 
• you never let your beloved hit rock bottom, whatever that is for them. 
• your beloved says he's too sick to report to work and you call in for him. 
• you regularly foot the bill, still your beloved gets to call himself an adult. 

Are you an Enabler? The above "quiz" can't tell you for sure if you're an Enabler but your intuition can, and does. We don't listen and take heed not because we're so in love. We don't listen because, by definition, an enabler is as dependent upon his beloved as she is on him. Only his dependence is emotional. 

Sometimes leaving is the most loving thing you can do for your beloved. Your beloved will never learn to stand on his or her own two feet so long as you carry them. If you can, let them down easy. But don't expect them to leave, at least not until they find another Enabler. No, you must give them and you the gift of leaving...so both of you can grow. 

Smooches!
DeBora
____________________________
DeBora M. Ricks, Author/Speaker
www.DeBoraRicks.com

Can a Woman be too Strong?

A couple of years ago I went on a One Love Women's Retreat to Jamaica with about nine dynamic sisters. We stayed five days in St. Ann Parish. Daily, reggae music and the smell of Jamaican cuisine wafted through the air. The lush, expansive grounds of the beautiful, rustic and simply adorned retreat lodge was soothing to the soul, the local food, prepared by two Jamaican women who knew their way around a stove, was to live for.  We were in heaven.

Every day we ventured out for a taste of Jamaica. One day we jet skied on the beach. Another day we climbed Dunn's River Falls. I did it barefooted. Yeah, I was showing off. Plus, I wanted to see what I was made of, to see if all the exercising I do was paying dividends. 

It was, however, our trek all the way across the island to St. Mary Parish that inspired this blog. Partially  inspired it, since I have more observations like this. Uh, well, we didn't actually trek, but were driven by Fredrick of Fred Juta Tours Jamaica. There we were in more mountains, staying in the sweetest little, pastel pink walled hotel built right on top of a rushing river, scrumptious delicious food, and a throng of Jamaican men waiting outside to serve us. Yep, the closest thing to heaven that I can think of...at least in those moments. 

A tiny bit of back story. I'd been working on my second book about breakups. Just as significantly, I'd been self-examining, to see where I was getting in my own way re: my intimate relationships with men. One or two men told me I sometimes talk too much and thus listen too little. I'd been told I can be argumentative and difficult. Yep, too often I needed to have the last word. Though I embrace my strength, there have been times when I wanted nothing more than to be soft and sweet and let my man be the strong one. But thanks to my well-meaning mother, who told her daughters to "never let 'em ('em being men) see you cry," most often I'd act like a man when inside I was feeling like a baby. A baby that needed to cry and be consoled and comforted by her man. 

Thank goodness, I'm learning some things...and unlearning other stuff. 

Well, let's get on back to Jamaica. So, there we were the next morning, refreshed, in our bikinis and bathing suits, towels in hands, ready to be escorted up the mountain so we could get ourselves a proper massage in the amazing hot springs of Jamaica. Like I said, we were in heaven. I say "proper" because allegedly the hotel offered massages and hot spring baths in their sterile, concrete stalls. But if you ever venture on down yonder there to St. Mary Parish, Jamaica get on out there with the Mountain Men. They give you the works, properly, and never once touch you inappropriately. Enough said about that.

The "chief," a bearded yet dignified older Jamaican man, matched each woman up with a man. I was blessed to get the sweetest little (as in tall and lean) Bob Marley look-a-like. Another sister got John Legend's twin. The brothers extended and raised their right hand, an invitation for us to place ours into theirs. I did so happily. Bob, er, I mean Ronald held my hand high, like I was royalty, as he ever so gingerly led me up the rough mountains. Wait! Is there trouble in paradise? Well, yeah. Some of the sisters refused the extended hands of their men. Just turned their noses up at the brothers. So, alone, unsupported, and unaided they stumbled up the rough, unfamiliar terrain. One  almost fell on her face. Then she had a change in mind. She gave up her "I don't need your help" posturing and let "her" man help her. She got smart. 

This scenario, and many others like it, got me pondering these questions:

• Are sisters too strong for our own good? 
• Does being strong require that we also be independent to a fault? 
• Is our strength driving a wedge between us and black men? 

Trust me, I have lots more question like these but I'll stop here. At least until the next blog.

Listen, we got history. That is, black women were forced to be "strong, independent" folks because too often our men abandoned us and their children. Babies gotta eat! Everybody needs some place to lay their heads at night. Sisters step up to the doggone plate and Get 'er Done! Still, are brothers asking too much to hope that more sisters will reclaim our softer, sweeter, surrendering selves? I'm just asking. 

Back in March I did a Sweet & Juicy Woman Seminar at the Women's Expo. After the seminar, a sister came up to me. She'd been married for twenty years. She said she knew she was "hard" but she didn't know how not to be. I understood. If you can relate, read my blog, The Secret to Charming and Enchanting Men. That's a good start. And stay tuned as I share more on this and similar topics. 

Let's get juicy! 

DeBora 

DeBora M. Ricks, Speaker, Attorney and Author of the upcoming book, Why Did He Break Up With Me? Lessons in Love, Loss & Letting Go. Read an excerpt WDHBUWM? 

You may also get my book, Love Addicted, on my website as an e-book. Go to www.DeBoraRicks.com

GSD! and Free Yourself!

I woke up feeling kind of crappy this morning. Why? Because I had some things to do that I didn't FEEL like doing. It wasn't that these things were in and of themselves painful; I just didn't want to do them. Actually, every one of them--there were three--would benefit me. They all involved money, too. Last night, as I lay in bed I wrote each one of them into my iPhone calendar because I know once I write something down I HAVE to do it.

I've done them all. And I'm a better woman for it. See, when we push through the bull crap that tell us we're not worthy of this or that, we grow. We grow in self-regard. We grow in self-respect. We grow in power. Yes, I feel more powerful now. Now I can get on out to the gym. I took care of the "painful" stuff now I feel entitled to enjoy the juicy stuff. Yes, I like working out...so working out is juicy stuff for me.

My new mantra is GSD!  Get Shit Done! If you're a religious type, then it's Get Stuff Done! GSD is one of the ways we take care of and honor ourselves. When we do what matters to us, what moves our lives forward, what we say we gonna do, even when we don't FEEL like it, we free our ourselves in mind, body, and spirit. Energy that was pent up in thinking and worrying about what we ought to be doing that we're not doing is now available to us.  We can now be more present to the present moment. And more available to more, more joy, more peace, more time, more fun, more opportunities, more confidence, more goodness, more serendipity, more, more, more!

What might you do today that would make you feel you've honored the promises you've made to yourself? So you can make yourself more available to more!

DeBora M. Ricks
Author of Love Addicted: One Woman's Spiritual Journey through Emotional Dependency and the upcoming Why Did He Break Up With Me? Lessons in Love, Loss & Letting Go
Book me to speak, send email to Info@DeBoraRicks.com
Visit me on the web at www.DeBoraRicks.com 

They'd Rather Be in Pain

I'll be brief. I was talking to a friend of mine this morning whose aunt is experiencing severe back pain. Well, she told her aunt that she was using an amazing product that was working wonders for her. It had alleviated her knee pain. And it was all natural. Her aunt, moaning, asked, "Well, how much is it?" She told her and auntie moaned louder. She said her medication didn't cost THAT much. Medication, mind you, that clearly is NOT working. I know a young woman whose knees throb with pain. I told her a supplement and cream I use wiped my knee pain out. She says she's waiting to hear what a guy friend has to say about the products. Duh! He's not the one in pain. I could go on, but you get the picture.

In any event, there's a club to which sweet ole auntie and this young woman belong. It's called the IRBIP club. Of course you're wondering what IRBIP stands for. I'm glad you asked. IRBIP stands for I'd Rather Be In Pain. You know the folks. You might even be a member of this club.

See, some people would rather suffer than spend the time, money, and/or energy to heal. Whether the pain is physical, emotional, financial, relational, or spiritual if someone offers you a cure and you turn your nose up at it, chances are you're a member of the IRBIP club. Tis tis!

Here's my confession. I once belonged to this not so exclusive club. There I was languishing in a job that paid me way too little for my talents, gifts and skills. They hated that I was opinionated, educated, and not easily controlled. What did I do? Because I was loyal to my club, you know, the IRBIP club, I suffered. And I did it beautifully. You know, like we're taught to do. Though I sometimes whined, mostly I followed the IRBIP teachings and sucked it up and took it like a man. I know, I'm not a man, so what? I dragged my nicely dressed self in to work, took their abuse with my chin up, and waited for the weekend. Then one day I got fired. Yep, I got fired. Thank God! Once released from bondage, I then shredded my IRBIP card. And nobody better ever call me asking if I'd like to reactivate that membership, unless they feel like experiencing some emotional pain. HeeHee

We choose the life we live. With every yes and no we choose life more fully or we choose a "life" of quiet desperation. Sadly, the latter is what most people unconsciously choose. Why? Because most people can't even imagine living an emotionally, physically, spiritually, and financially healthy, wealthy, and whole life. Their mother, father, siblings lived in pain so they think they have to live in pain. All some people expect from life is pain. Well, we get not what we claim we want, we get what we expect.

Fear of the unknown. Fear of the new. Fear of success. Fear of happiness. Fear of change. These are the fears that keep people stuck, accepting pain as a way of life. Tis tis! Fear is the opposite of FAITH. Stop talking about faith and start living in faith.

Are you a member of the IRBIP club? Be honest. If you are, no worries. You can have a new thought that leads to new actions today. It's your birthright to live a healthy, wealthy, prosperous, sweet and juicy, pain-free life. Claim it!

Okay, I wasn't so brief. I couldn't help myself; I'm on a mission to wake up. As I awaken more fully, I'm impelled to share my aha! moments with you.

In love & light,

DeBora

DeBora M. Ricks, Author/Speaker/Attorney/Distributor

If you're ready to cancel your membership to the IRBIP club, visit www.mylifevantage.com/deboraricks and www.DeBoraricks.com

Author of Love Addicted: One Woman's Spiritual Journey through Emotional Dependency

To book me to speak call 410.599.2131 or send email to Info@DeBoraricks.com

Get your FREE How to Write a Book that $ells E-book at www.DeBoraRicks.com

Don't Get Over It, Grieve Thru It!

Sitting in the silence, I was led to call my mother's pastor, Pastor S, who I have claimed as my dad. I called him because twelve days ago he buried his beloved wife, Sister Bertha. Given how integral death is to life you'd think we'd know by now what to say to people to soothe their hurting hearts after the loss of someone they treasured. But most times we don't. I, however, managed to ask the right question and listen because I know now it isn't about what I say, rather it's about what the one grieving says, or doesn't get to say, that stunts or fosters healing.

I asked Pastor S who was assisting him? He told me his son, Stacey, was taking care of his Columbia church and that Elder Graves was managing the Baltimore church. People were putting three course meals in front of him, though he had no appetite. I asked what he needed. Again he told me about the many people that were managing his churches. "I'm not talking about your churches, I know those are fine. I'm asking if you have someone to talk to, someone to laugh with...?" I said. "I wish I had someone to laugh with," he said rather emphatically. Then I asked, "How long were you all together?" "We had been together 50 years, I buried her on our fiftieth anniversary." Good grief! A true until death do we part story. Then Pastor S went on to tell me about how Bertha had waited for him when he went to war; that his father assured him that she was The One.

I called my sister Ayo. I shared my conversation with Pastor S with her. Ayo's son Baba, my beloved 21-year-old nephew, recently buried two of the most influential men in his life, his dad and his best friend. Ayo, who is a licensed social worker, gained such wisdom about the supreme importance of grieving as she supported her son in moving through that process. Pastor S, we decided, got everything he needs BUT someone to help him move THROUGH the grief process. See, we live in a society that goes hard, one that pushes us to just get over it, quick. We don't do well with feelings and tears, so we give people two weeks to a month to grieve ANY loss. After about a month we fully expect them to get up and get on with life. Well, we can't get on with life until we have honored ourselves enough to feel the full brunt of our loss, cry, talk, bemoan, talk some more, cry until we have cried out.

A loss is a loss is a loss. See, if there's sadness or melancholy around ANY loss, you deserve to acknowledge what you feel and grieve it. Right now I'm experiencing the loss of some friendships and how things were. Talking to my guy friend has helped me to get to acceptance, which is the fifth and final stage of grief and loss as outlined by Elisabeth Kubler Ross. We all experience loss. All losses are accompanied by pain. Shoot, the loss of a special pair of earring can upset a woman's afternoon. Honor your losses. Anything that once was but no longer is can be experienced as a loss, such as the loss of one's hair, youth, size 6 body, child, relationship, friendship, job, spouse, dream, home, health, voice, eyesight, mobility, support, or freedom. Acknowledge them. Let yourself feel anger, sadness, fear, shock, dismay, even hopelessness. Resist the temptation to stuff and repress your feelings with food, shopping, working, drinking, drugging, sexing. Instead, find someone who will listen and let you cry.

Good grief! Charlie Brown knew grief was good and healthy. Now it's time the rest of us know. We are able to experience joy, laughter, and hope only to the extent that we are able to experience the so called "negative" emotions, sorrow and sadness. Give yourself permission to properly grieve. And give that gift to those you cherish, by listening to their sad and happy stories, regrets, and fears about their loss and letting them cry.

When I talked to Pastor S I didn't know how I might assist him as he mourns the loss of his beloved Bertha. My sister Ayo told me, "You can be the one who listens."

In love & light,

DeBora M. Ricks

Author of Love Addicted: One Woman's Spiritual Journey through Emotional Dependency

To book me to speak call 410.599.2131 or send email to Info@DeBoraricks.com

Get your FREE E-book at www.DeBoraRicks.com

Eat FEAR for Lunch

I'm at work on my second book. Editing it, so I can get it to an editor. I've got 173 eight by eleven pages. I've got loads to say about breakups, so it's dense. Even though I planned to edit today, yesterday I wrote "Edit my Book" on my calendar because I know the power of writing down my intentions, dreams, goals, and objectives.

I'm writing this brief blog to encourage somebody, maybe you, to get 'er done! See, I'm an expert on fear. Yes, I've accomplished a few things but I did all of them afraid. At least when I started I was scared. Fear is clever, he comes disguised as doubt, procrastination, excuses, illness, chaos, drama, emergencies, piddling about the house, talking on the phone, Youtube overdoses, Facebook overload, TV gazing, sleeping, drinking and drugging, attempts at saving family and friends from their dramas and traumas, busy "work," even attending yet another conference, workshop, or seminar that you never apply. FEAR! False Evidence Appearing Real can feel very real, but it's just a phantom. Trust me on this. As soon as you stop and stare FEAR in the face, it runs and hides.

Okay, let's wrap this up. What's scaring you right now? Whatever it is, you're bigger and badder than it is. But you've got to first stop running from it. See, what you resist persists. Make that call. Send that email. Open that book. Start that paper. Open that letter. Write another sentence in that book. Follow through on that brilliant idea. Get up. Slow down. Sit down. Do whatever it takes to GET 'ER DONE! It's okay to be uncomfortable. So what you don't know how to begin. Begin anyway. So what you don't know what you're doing. Neither do the rest of us. HaaHaaHaa. Make it up, like I'm doing as I write this blog. That's what ALL successful people do, make that ish up as they go along! My friend and life coach extraordinaire, Angel Richardson, said Iyanla Vanzant says "make the commitment and the how comes." So there you have it!

Smooches!

DeBora M. Ricks

Author of Love Addicted: One Woman's Spiritual Journey Through Emotional Dependency

Keep your eyes peeled for my upcoming seminars: How to Write a Book that Sells and The Secret to Being a Juicy, Succulent, Successful Woman. Details will be posted on my Facebook page and at my website, www.DeBoraricks.com

The Power of Clarity

A sister friend recently "retired" from her sales job of many years. Now, before you go imagining a stout, slow-moving, balding woman with a short to-do list, let me tell you PeaJae is anything but old and retiring. Anyways, when PeaJae walked away from her sales career she strutted right into her life work as a Bliss Coach and forgiveness guru. Girlfriend didn't miss a beat! God had given her her marching orders and PeaJae confidently marched forth with clarity and purpose. Well, I'm impressed. More significantly, I am inspired. PeaJae was on the radio a couple of nights ago. As I listened to her I had a breakthrough.

Here it is. Drum roll please. I realized why my phone hasn't been ringing, why though I've professed to be a speaker for years my business had yet to take off. Well, it's so simple that it eluded me, well uh, I hadn't be clear. I lacked clarity about what I stood for. Sure, I'm wise and witty and rather entertaining, if I may say so myself. I connect well with my audience, too. But like my life coach has been known to say, "People can't catch a moving target." I've been a moving target. Maybe you can relate. Perhaps you've flickered from one thing to another, never growing roots in any one of them. Clarity is powerful. When we are clear about what we desire, the Universe will readily deliver on our requests. So long as we are confused, uncertain, wishy-washy, uncommitted, afraid to take a stand for ourselves and what we believe in, we get lackluster results. Get clear!

Here's what I do: I help women tend to the most important relationship in their life--the relationship that they have with themselves. See, I was once lost...but now I am found, I had low self-esteem, I didn't believe in myself and my possibilities and I feared being alone, consequently I was bent on appending myself to a man hoping he would make me feel whole and complete and successful. Hallelujah! Not anymore. I now have a strong and succulent relationship with DeBora! My misery is my ministry, something I've been clear about for years. Now I'm abundantly clear it's time I share with the women the world over how they too can fall madly in love with themselves!

DeBora M. Ricks

Wishing you Heaven, Smooches!

Author of Love Addicted: One Woman's Spiritual Journey Through Emotional Dependency

www.DeBoraRicks.com

The Secret to Getting Unstuck

Woke this morning feeling stuck. I don't want to tell you this, but since it's true...I will. I realize this was only a feeling. I wasn't really stuck, I only FELT that way. I forced myself out of bed. Dressed for the 25 degree weather and went outside, to exercise. Being out in the brisk air helped. I felt invigorated and free. But once I got back home, the STUCK bug returned.

Back in the house from my run, powerwalk, jumping jacks and lunges, I read today's Science of Mind magazine message. It was spot on! Just what I needed. It encouraged, "Live your song today!" And to "Affirm that you are awake today to the truth of your essential wholeness, peace, abundance, and love. Declare that the activity of God is a dynamic and creative presence in your life right now. Live the truth of your oneness. Sense it, believe it, feel it, embody it, and sing it!" Then I sat in silence, determined to remember the truth about myself and life: I AM LIMITLESS. THERE ARE NO OBSTACLES...out there. The power is WITHIN ME to create the life of my wildest imaginings!

God spoke to me, as I sat, and told me to do two things today: Give and be Grateful. The first thing I did was call my beloved and said, "Baby, I just want you to know I appreciate you." Then instead of going straight to my office, I went to see a client, who is going to court today; she's at my other facility. She told me, with a smile on her face, "I was nervous, now I'm not. I'm glad you're going with me." My heart swelled. I could have called her but I listened to that still small voice that whispered, "Go see her. Don't call." I gave her my words, my attention, my heart as we sat together; warm feelings enveloped me. I was as blessed by her presence as she was by mine. That's the way giving works. It blesses all involved, the receiver, giver and witnesses to that giving. You see, whenever I'm cranky or feeling like I don't have enough, I remind myself that it's not what's missing (or what I think is) that's got me feeling deprived...it's what I'm not giving that's making me feel out of sorts.

So I began to count my blessings. Of course I'm still counting, since our blessing are endless. At this writing, I feel good. Like I make a difference in the world. You know what really makes me feel incredibly abundant? You! It's people, not things, that make the world go round. If no one has told you today, let me be the first: I APPRECIATE YOU! I need not know you to feel this way about you. The fact that you think enough of me and what I have to say to take the time to read my Blog warms my heart. Thank you!

Time to go now, I've got some more giving to do! And I can't wait to see how absolutely jazzed I'm going to feel doing it.

Peace and Love, DeBora