The Emotionally Starved

I was in a relationship with a man who I thought would be my forever. Let's call him Richard. Richard was good-looking, financially stable and fun to be with. He made me laugh out loud, and often. Shucks, sometimes my jaws hurt from laughing. Our shared laughter made me feel close to my man. We traveled together, too. This meant a lot to me because I was born with wanderlust. I'm always looking for a take me away Calgon moment. Dick, who could burn, cooked for me daily. Even when I begged him not to--because I was packing on the pounds--he cooked three course meals morning, noon and night.

One day Richard walked into his living room, sat down across from me and said, "Let's talk about trust." To be quite frank, I don't recall the content of the conversation. What I do recall is what I thought and felt about this man at that moment. I was in awe. Who was this man, this man who'd actually initiated a meaningful conversation. But not just any ole conversation. Oh no, Dick had initiated a conversation that required that he (and I) be emotionally transparent and vulnerable. I remember feeling especially blessed to have "found" this man. At last, I thought, I'd attracted a man who wasn't afraid of the messy world of feelings. A man who was emotionally accessible. One who could be, when I needed, a safe place for my feelings and emotions. Boy, was I blessed!

Then things changed. Or Richard, the representative, left the building and the REAL Dick showed up. In any event, the relationship became an emotional Sahara--dry and lonely. Well, my once loving man started shutting me down. He stopped listening. He stopped caring about what was on my mind and in my heart. Or maybe he never did care. I remember one time, after a particularly painful fight, I called my beloved to apologize. He yelled through the phone, "Baby, forget about that! Let's just move ON!" Reluctantly, I complied. At least on the surface I did. The writing was on the wall, in bold letters it read, "This man isn't there for you. He doesn't really love you." If my heartfelt apology was an irritant and bother to him then I must be an irritant and bother. More and more I turned to a guy friend to talk, cry and heal.

So I ask you, are you starving your beloved emotionally? Too often we place so much emphasis on sex, money and looking good together that we overlook the juiciest aspect of our relationship: emotional intimacy. Consequently, we may be unwittingly leaving our beloved emotionally parched. I'm not suggesting that you get bogged down in emotions but I am telling you to tend to the emotions of those you say you cherish. Even when we don't think there should be a problem, it behooves us to listen to our beloved. How can you say you love her or him if it doesn't matter to you that they're hurting? That they aren't feeling heard. That the intimacy and connection that they yearn for can't be had with you?

When we are hurting, sometimes all we need from our beloved is their ear. The solution is often in the sharing; no fixing is necessary or desired. Just listen, without making him or her wrong for wanting and needing to share.

I left Dick. Yes, more happened that drove the nail in the coffin. But his unwillingness to be a safe place for my feelings played a big role in my decision to jump ship. Who are you telling "I don't really love you" by your refusal to be a soft place for their heartfelt feelings? Let me tell you, either you be that to your man or woman or somebody else will. We are emotional beings. Your beloved WILL get fed emotionally. You get to choose whether you're the one to feed him or her. It's your choice.

Smooches!

DeBora

DeBora M. Ricks

Author of Love Addicted: One Woman's Spiritual Journey through Emotional Dependency

and the soon to be released, Why Did He Break Up With Me: Lessons in Love, Loss & Letting Go

www.DeBoraRicks.com