Boundaries

You'll be sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner in a couple of days. If you're like 50 million other Americans, you find Thanksgiving a stressful time. I count myself among them. I work in drug and alcohol recovery, most of these folks find turkey day difficult. For a multitude of reasons. However, you don't have to be in recovery or the child of an addict or alcoholic to have experienced the turkey getting tossed out the window. Or a fight breaking out between relatives. Or an uncomfortable silence between you and a sibling.

One reason I think holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas are so dawn challenging is because expectations for ourselves and others spike during these times. Ten months out the year, we go about attempting to spend as much time as possible with people who get us, while avoiding people who don't. Then Thanksgiving comes. It's time, this holiday says, to spend time with family. We want to cooperate. And most times we do. And yet, this is not without mixed feelings. It's not that we don't love our family, it's just that some we like and get along with while we merely tolerate others. You know, in every family there's the drama queen or king, drunk uncle, and mean-spirited sister or aunt. Still, we're expected to overlook all that and behave with civility...and even act like everything is peachy keen.

Boundaries. That word came to mind today, when a client, while I was sitting in a meeting, insisted upon talking to me about a legal matter. I'd told him before the meeting that we could talk later but he apparently had other ideas. I firmly told him, "Not now!" I don't allow people to wear shoes in my home. Just the thought of the nasty stuff that people step in being deposited onto my hardwood floors and rugs gives me the weebie jeebies. Last night my guy stopped over and refused to take his shoes off! The audacity, the unmitigated gall! LOL He does so much that makes me feel good, respected, and loved. And yet, recently he'd started greeting me in a way that made me violated. I asked him to stop. He, I think, thought I was joking. So, when it wasn't happening, I spoke to him about it. Boundaries. Mine were violated. When our boundaries are violated, we can feel it. A family member, on Thanksgiving, just may cross one of your boundaries. Unknowingly. Like my guy, he didn't know his greeting made me recoil because it made me feel like a piece of meat. None of us are mind readers. I had to tell him.

We have a right to set boundaries that honor us. While sitting in church, my guy said to me, "Can you give me some room?" I really was sitting close. Sure, I caught some feelings. But I got over them quickly with a bit of self-talk. I decided not to make it mean anything about me. He has a right to physical space that feels right to him. You have a right to physical, emotional, psychological space that feels right to you. When that relative goes too far, probing into your personal business, asking you when you gonna get a man or married, speaking to you condescendingly or disrespectfully, take a deep breath. Then handle it. You can handle boundary violations with silence, by removing yourself, or by speaking your truth with calm and dignity. At least as much dignity as you can muster under the circumstances.

Who sets your boundaries? You do, I hope. Who enforces them? You do and only you. We teach people how to treat us. Teach them to respect your boundaries by addressing, with love, violations.

Have a Happy & Honoring Thanksgiving!